Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi friends,
i have been married for 1 yr now.. it was a love marriage..he is a gr8 person and is loving to me.. we stay with my in laws.. we have had our problems and have sorted some of them... i don' t care for anything if i have my husband' s support... he is very intellectual and philosophical... and does not understand how to deal with me soemtimes.. i am someone who is very happy just to be with him and love him and take care of him... but i think he does not care for all this... i feel very lonely sometimes . i dont have frenz in this city whom i can talk to.. i keep myself free for him , i wait and plan my tasks in such a way that i am available when he is free from work... his own busienss, so it is flexible.. but i think he can be very happy even if we dont talk for days, or if we talk then its about his work or opinions... he has not told me not to talk... but he is very opinionated and pushy.. he has a strong personality and i dont know how to adjust to it.. i feel bad when he judges me or makes a comment.. i feel that i am wanting his approval too much... ad he is not that interested in being with me.. we have been married for a year now.. he says he' s not bored with me.. i also dont expect that he should be there 24 hours but, so much effort he puts in his work, so much research, he does not care about our relationship to even make 5 effort and take interest and see what i want.. i dont like to force soemone to love me, i dont like to beg to be close or intimate.. i talk to him, but it seems useles.. he is too preoccupied with work.. i want him to be my friend but he makes me feel its too much effort to be with me... i am undergoing serious low self esteem.. he always questions my credibility.. i' m not saying i' m perfect, but a marriage needs 2 people to take an effort .. i can aslo do soem job and get absorbed in it.. then what? why are we together if we ant to lead separate lives? why should i saty with his parents then? in this locality which i dont like? we do spend time talking.. but very rarely about me or us and our realtionship.. i am sentimental i think.. i used to be very strong, but this one persn has turned my life oolta.. and i am very afraid of losing him... that why i put up with things.. there is no one i can talk to coz they all feel that i am a smart strong woman.. i hav eto be fair and say that thinsg ahve improved from when we started .. but everytime i dont liek to ask for undersatnding and love... i feel he' s scared of facing issues or dealing with me.. even if he can see that i am mood off, he will try to get physical with me.. its his way of showing that he cares, but i cannot jump intp physical things if i' m not ok emotionally.. then he also withdraws and then we just talk the routine things.. i have told him so many times.. but i gues i' m not as important as clients so that he remembers.. sex is also when he feels like and i always oblige becoz i feel, chalo, if its happening now, its good, i dont know when it will happen next.. it is very difficult for him to be spontaneous or romantic with me.. when i want it.. i tell him also what i would like, i give hints but nothing! he does not believe in gifts or birthdays.. but for everyone else, his friensd and all, he' ll throw surprise parties, make beautiful presents and give gifts... then why not for me??? i really like him and love him a lot so i am very careful with things that i say to him coz i feel that he will stop caring for me and will leave me.. if not physically then emotionally, mentally.. i had never thot that i wud find soemone like him for me.. we are very much on the same wavelength.. but there is also a personal intimate relationship ... i try to understand his situation but sometimes it svery frusturating and hard .. i know i should make more friends.. but i want him to be my friend too!! he tells me one thing and does another thing.. how can i trust him then? there is no consistency at all .. and now i dont knwo what to think.. i am just getting swayed in whatever way he pulls and i want to be with him, so i just blindly follow... and then i look at myself and say, why have i tied myself to him so much? he never says he' s sorry for hurting me or if he did soemthing worng.. he does believe in the concept of right or wrong.. (when it coems to him) all i want is that he acknowledges my feelings and talks to me about them... how many times should i tell him? becoz he cant talk . he' ll act very sweetly to me.. do i have to become sad before he treats me well? how long will this continue if it is not from his heart? till he becomes used to seeing me cry and then it does not bother him? i' m trying to be proactive in our marriage.. but until he does not realise he will not agree with me... so many times it has happened that he says things taht i had only told him in the first place... till then what should i do? continue waiting for his love? or expression of love? i suggested counselling, reading books, but he thinks that is not up to his standard and that there is nothing worng..w hy does he want to wait for 10 -12 years, before he realises what is to be done in a marriage with a woman? am i just in the background? Dia replied. Hey Anita,
Its just common problem among many sensitive women .U r thinking more towards it.If u try to occupy with other job or friends, U' ll be free frm this extra concentration on ur relation.

See Anitha,Ur hubby is loving u and caring u. But u r unknowingly becoming annoying and boring with ur ' care me' attitude.
If u really feel some problem with him, Then U just give a try to ignore him the best u can! YES,IT WORKS !
Start ignoring him a little and maintain little distance and treat him just like stranger while not loosing SMILE on ur face .It will make him feel curious about this change in u and he' ll be behind u to show u he care for u.

Dont always nag him for gifts. Just leave it.I am telling it frm my own experience. He always give gifts and think of buying something for sis or mom but never think of buying something surprising to me, Just because I' m always with him and buying for me what I need. So they take us for granted. Now I' m not even expecting anything frm him. I' m also not giving him anything. I know it hurts him. But I strongly decided not to gift him anything until he realise love is not only receiving but even giving.
In newly married days, I too used to feel exactly how u feel. But later I could manage to ignore him and acting like I too dont need attension. then he couldn' t digestthe fact, HE becoming my second priority.Then started to show me importance.

Still, I say Men r not that much involved to care this relation. Though they love us, they dont care to express it. this is because they know we r going to give them more attension and we concentrate on him more and Also they know we r not going to ignore this relation.

So ,Dont worry what would happen if u act inactive. U tried ur best to improve him while being proactive, Right?! Still u didnt find any improvement. So Now try to be inactive and treat him with only little care while doing ur responsibilities smilingly.It is important that u should not seem to be angry or roasted face. Just behave as if u stopped to care for his attension because u realised u r not going to get it.

All the best ,dear! Hope U' ll strictly instruct urself to behave this way.
Ritika replied. Reading your mail, I could focus on only 2 issues -

1) You NEED other friends in your life. Even one girlfriend will help...you are focusing ALL your energy, efforts and time on your husband and it can be pretty un-nerving for someone to be at the receiving end of so much attention and self sacrifice.

Because you are doing so much, you are thinking that your husband is not doing enough. I think it is time you did a little less.

Think about what really attracted him to you. You say it was a love marriage..so think about yr behavior with him then..do a reality check...have you become too clingy? you might love him a lot, but if you push him too hard, and make him feel emotionally guilty all the time, that is not a good thing for your relationship...

2) If your hubby is not agreeing for counselling...that' s ok...but why dont you try counselling for just yourself? The counsellor might be able to give more insights into your own behavior that might help you...

Sometimes we dont realize how our own behavior is hurting our cause...

Take care...