Relationships  Discussion Forum

HI all,
I have a different kind of situation here. I don' t know who to turn for help. I am hoping to get some advises from all of you.
Here is my question. WE live abroad.

I have been married for 5 years now. I have a loving and caring husband. He supports me in everything I do. I hvae a loving daughter she is 12 months old. My problem is that sometime I argue with my husband you know like everybody else. After argument, we will forget everything and get together like within oneday or so. Mostof the time we argue about my inlaws and my parents. Relationship between my parents and inlaws is not good and its is worsening day by day. It is not bcoz of dowry. My inlaws and SIL' s won' t treat me good. Fewmonths ago we visited India. Most of the time I argue with him about how my inlaws and SIL' s won' t treat me like a family member . I came to this conclusion after I tried to get close with them nd after 5 yrs of trying to get into there picture. My inlaws won' t tell anything to me not even about any function they do for their daughters or etc. When I argue with my husband I critisize about my inlaws nd SIL' s. WHen I become angry , I will critisize about them...but my husbnad won' t become angry he seems to understand my situation nd tells me that don' t care about them nd you have to deal wiht them only when we went to India so forget about all this. I used to feel like he understands my feelings nd he is kind of towards me. But guess what, whenever we go to India, my inlaws kind of brings pressue on him ( ofcourse they know how to get things out of him nd they are very talkative perosns) nd he will become kind of excited nd he will tell to my inlaws nd SIL' s exact comments what I told to him when we argued. I mean it happend at least 4 times now. He tells me all these after sometime it happend. I told him when we first got married thta I don' t like his big sister. He told thta to my second SIL and she passed that along to their parents. My husband will tell me that he told about what I told him to his parents or sister after 2 or 3 months it happend. I couldn' t bear this anymore. I told him that as a wife nd husband we share lot of things nd why do u tell them about them? he says that he couldn' t control when his parents or sisters kind exposed him to tell.nd also he tells htta I ma telling you what my parents think about you so what' s wrong if I tell them about ur view? I believed him until now..but today we had a big fight about this, when he told me that he told his folks about one my comment I made when we argued. I don' t know how I can share everyhting wiht him. I can' t trust him . I won' t tell my parents about my inlaws talked about htem b' coz if my parents know about them they will be very upset. So I won' t tell them. How I have to deal with my husband in this situation. I don' t know how wifes will chnage there husbands to completely there side. Please help me. DO I have to stop critisizing when we argue? if that' s the case then i feel like I have to be careful wiht each nd every word I talk to him...nd I feel wife nd husband relation should be more like friends..free to share everyhting. ...nd I can' t praise people who I most in my entire life(my inlaws nd SIL' s) in front of him. Does anybody faced the same kind of situation? how to come out of it? Lakshmi replied. You are very clear that your husband is supportive and you donot need anything else in life.
Yes. I understand your problems and your are very right that your MIL and SIl are completely wrong. I have the same situation. I am a money making machine for them.They didn' t even call my parents for my SIL' s wedding. After I told my husband and he shouted they went and called them and didn' t respect properly in the marriage.
See , you need to understand one thing.
Your husband has to act two roles one as a son and the other as a husband.
Looks like he' s doing both the roles properly.
Even after knowing that your inlaws are not going to change , there' s no reason shouting at them. People who didn' t change for years and years are not going to be changed just by 2-3 phone calls.
So his policy is leave the issues and live happily.
Think about your family. You , your husband and kids[if you have ].
Enjoy your life and leave the rest. If you have any issues , talk to him nicely and stay calm. You' ll see the result. You will know amazing thigs will happen. People does not know the value of silence. It' ll create miracle in people mind.

Please understand that \" we can select everything in life except parents\" .
see them as your husband' s parents more than your in-laws and respect them in the same way.
At the same time if they do any harm to your parents do not stay calm and talk to your husband immediately and solve the issue Another Wife replied. Have a talk with your husband and let him know that he is breaking your trust by revealing your matters to the in-laws. Also let him know that if you can' t confide in him anymore, you will end up sharing with others (because you couldn' t control...like him). I' m sure he could imagine this happening to his wife, if he can' t keep his mouth shut. Good luck! sandya replied. Aren' t the message boards amazing in this aspect that you could get away saying anything against your family and not let a third person know about it :):)...i' am just kidding, but other than talking about killing your in-laws you could tell me anything and i' d listen to it :):)...again kidding about the killing part.

What you said is true...i didn' t have any friends when i came here, but now i have a very close set of friends(4 of them) who share my feelings about their in-laws :):)...i think most women will. So, it' s easy for us to share. Plus it also helps that we get to do things together on our lady' s night outs...we do dinner and a movie one weekend in a month. So, its great bonding.

If you don' t have such circle then i suggest that you look for one where you can be yourself. I know that there should be trust and understanding between a couple but you know what....it' s nice to read about it on a piece of paper...when it comes to real life, it is different for every one of us. We learn to live with what life has offered to us. This is no different.

Remember, there is no use complaining about a problem if you don' t know how to think about solving it.

What your husband says is true, your and my in-laws are older than us and hence are more set in their ways than we are. Remember how we expect our kids to listen to us all the time b' cos we are the parents and we say so :):)...i' ve used this card many times on my kids and i love it when i know i have so much power :):)..anyway, i digress, but my husband pretty much told me the same that he doesn' t want me to critisize his parents and he doesn' t like me talking that way. So, guess what, since i' am human and bound to err i found a different outlet for my frustration...my friends who understand me and are in the same boat as me. We know that we are only letting out some steam and that we don' t want to leave our husbands(trust me we were tempted enough times :):)....or destroy our family lives for these petty things..so, cheer up and be happy...don' t stress out yourself too much over these things...your in-laws will come and go but you have to live with your husband all your life...i know it' s a depressing scenario, but what can you do (it' s been 12 yrs and i' am still counting) :):):) sandya replied. WOW!!...i never thought i' ll find another one, be here is your husband...can' t keep anything from their families. I' ve learned to live with this fact a long time ago, but intially it was a total shock to me also.

Now when i have any big complaints against my in-laws then i seek out a friend and spill out my guts instead of going to my husband. I think we all do things that we regret after a while, so it' s best left unsaid especially within families where they come to haunt you for a long time to come.

so, take heart dear that you are not alone. We all live with our moments of regret. Try not to repeat your mistakes with your spouse. Don' t let hime trash your family and you don' t his. Fair enough. hasita replied. Like nisha says, it is better you stop discussing your in-laws with your hubby. Though he may not say it openly, probably he does not like to hear about them like that from you.

If he is also telling them these same things later, better you avoid it, as your in-laws, SIL, etc. may even \" use\" this against you any time and spoil his relationship with you - unnecessary tension for you both (and your kid - kids do get affected indirectly, esp. if it might get really bad).

So, it is better you try talking to a third person, like maybe a good friend of yours, or a professional person. Or just try talking to God about your problems. Or write them down as if you are telling him everything like he is standing in front of you. But do not show him this writing at any time, just tear and throw it away after writing it.

This is only for you to take it out of your system, ok?

So, just be thankful that things are generally good with hubby otherwise.
nisha replied. hi
I think u better not to discuss with him about ur inlaws.This is the the only way to get out of this problem.Not only ur husband most of the guys do like this.If u continue criticizing them u may get in to trouble oneday and ur relation with ur husband may deteriorate.