Name: krishna
hi all,
Wonder if anyone can help me out regarding how I feel and what I should do in my situation?
I am married for nearly 3 years now. I married late at 35 years of age (never married earlier), to a man having a 8.5 year old daughter.
She is now 11.5 years of age. (His first wife left and ran away, leaving tiny daughter at 8 months) My in-laws are also there, and D (will call my step-daugher as D) is looked after by mom-in-law mainly.
Naturally, they are very much attached to her. I very well understand that.
I was with them for first 2 years of marriage, now staying separately close-by. Me and hubby stay together, D is with them, she comes to stay with me sometimes. I am quite pally with her usually.
But since MIL used tell all negative things about me, ' taanas' and all about me to her, (directly or indirectly). So she (D) is
very much influenced by that, and sometimes mocks me. End result is that she compares herself to me. Also, she is not at all childlike, her thought pattern is more like adults. (but at the same time she is extremely childish, as she is too much pampered by my in-laws). All that is understandable to some extent, but many many times it goes beyond tolerance.
My MIL did not allow her to get close to me from the start as she feels too much insecurity. I used to understand and let it go, but it gets too painful when she has taught D to mock me and make faces. (again, she has not taught her directly, but when all the time she is talking bad about me, the child definitely gets influenced). In-laws will never correct the child when she behaves badly towards me. In fact, they encourage it. Hubby corrects her sometimes. He does not like what his parents are doing and its influence on her. Whenever he has mentioned it, they take my name and say things. Then they say, she is not your daughter, she is our daughter. Hubby feels very bad about this sort of statements, and gets angry with them.
I cannot have children, and mil started getting angry with that as the underlying reason. So I feel she has taken it out in this way.
My husband does not stand for anyone talking nonsense to me, so I have been able to bear all this to quite an extent. If it was not for him, i would not be able to stay at all.
My FIL is ill, but loves non-veg and drinks, etc. I do not eat non-veg, and since I did not agree from the start to eat, he used to get very angry about that. Many times, during those 2 years he used to give bad words to me when he gets wild. Once even told me go back to my parents place (when his own daughter was here, in front of her got angry and said that). But my MIL is good actually (she told him never to mention things like that).
But even MIL hates me for not \" adjusting\" because I do not eat non-veg. In fact, my hubby has started eating more veg (i strongly suspect because of me :) even though i never tell him or
stop him or anyone eating non-veg).
So they get more angry with me, saying i am \" controlling\" him - as if he has no mind of his own! Ha! If i really wanted to \" control\" him, I can very well convert him. But i do not believe in forcing a conversion, it has to come of his own free will. I have never told him not to eat or anything like that.
Whenever i teach D (in 4 std in the beginning), she used to make too much tantrums and start crying. FIL will come in and interfere and create big scenes. Whole house starts talking and giving bad words to each other. Big mess. All non-veg etc. issues are raised and bad words flung around. They will say, her mother
studied only till 2nd standard, no need for her to study. (I am as post-graduate on the other hand and understand the value of education. Even my husband wants her to study well, as he had to
drop out of school in 10 std, to help fil with his business).
I used to take D for classes initially, to develop her talents.
But FIL starting abusing me, saying no need for you to take her out anywhere.
To top all of it, my hubby' s business is run from home! :( (it used to be FIL' s business, and whole family used to run it at home, even my 3 sister-in-laws when they were not married). So
all are very hard-working.
FIL is on lazy side, and now keeps crying i am sick, i am sick, i want to die.. etc. he is full day sleeping on bed, only gets up to bathe, eat all goodies, drink alcohol. Says i am very weak. But keeps an eye on all of my hubby' s earnings.
When i was staying with them, MIL used to not like even when i drink milk, saying \" FIL and D has to drink milk, there is too much financial problem, so you adjust. Even i never drink milk\" .
When i buy vegs, she says do not buy expensive vegs, we never buy expensive vegs.
So i cannot buy what i like to eat. But non-veg is not expensive acc. to them. But they reduced even that, seeing hubby' s earning alone (fil not doing work now), so difficult to meet expenses.
The other major point, i am expected to help hubby with his work, take care of it at home, while he goes out for the (same) work.
It requires many people.
But since i am self-employed, working from home on a computer, and have my own projects to complete. I am unable each time to devote time to his work - attend his customers that keep coming home to buy material. And even though i am working from home only, I need to concentrate to complete my deadline projects daily.
Plus do house work, kitchen work, teach D, buy groceries, etc.
They think i am only sitting (and working) so why should i do that? I must help with hubby' s business.
MIL helps with kitchen work as well as with hubby' s business.
Hubby gives all earnings to the house, i also give some amount. I purchase clothes, etc., fly to parents home to visit parents annually,
all at my own expense. He is unable to give me anything as all goes to business or to the home. I never mention anything about it. Just say, God has given me power to earn something, that God and forget expecting from hubby. He has parents and daughter to look after.
Moreover, he has no savings of any sort.
He tells me, you save what you are earning. A very good point from him. But in-laws want money from me. Indirect references are made that i earn. Though i am paying some bills, giving them some amount for household. I do not tell them what i earn.
I moved out last year, as I was totally fed up of the bad words, all the time harping to do hubby' s business, D mocking (i have always wanted children, loved them, get along very well with most of them, and see the irony, when i have my own step-daughter, she is not allowed to get close to me at all, i used to dream that we
would be a happy family, i would teach her things, bring out her creativity, give her love, go out as a family, cuddle each other, and such things.. but in-laws are too possessive about her. To the extent that they tell her all the negative things that they have in their mind for me. Why tell a small child such things, can' t they discuss when she is not around? )
Even that i have accepted and let it go, she is not to be close to me, then let it be so, i will do what i can when possible for her, and leave it at that. I know she also enjoys my company
sometimes, i can see it. But even D is too proud a child to admit it. She even hates me now i feel.
All his relatives are told that i do no work, do not take care of D, MIL will say in front of them, D is my daughter, i only have to take care of her, purposely she says this in front of me. And people give me all sorts of looks. I hate it when she does this.
She might be a good person, taking care of her and all, but she is also very very cunning at the same time.
I moved out, but visit them at least 4-5 times a week, sometimes daily, go sit there, when i complete my own work.
Hubby is there with them for full day as his work is from that same old home.
So, at the end of it all (lots more), i am not good, as i do not take care of D, do not help hubby run the business, do not take care of in-laws, now living separately, no child of my own.
I keep feeling guilty mainly for not helping hubby as he really needs help in business. But it is complete opposite of my line of work, and plus i do not want to leave my work, it is a good source of income (remember, i run my own separate house myself, hubby still gives them everything). So i need to earn. Also want
to save to purchase our own flat.
I am also wanting to adopt a child, but hubby though he loves children, sometimes he is in 2 minds about it. Time is running out for me, and i need to do it soon.
How do i deal with the guilt of hubby' s work and guilt of not having a child? I am quite happy living separately and also want to expand my own business so we can buy a flat.
I strongly refuse to give up my work and hence my financial independence. My parents are living alone, by God' s grace, they are able to manage, but tomorrow if required, i can support them
financially, as we are all sisters, no brothers. I can do this only if I am to continue my own work. If I help hubby, his parents will never allow it that he gives me any money. Or if he
does, they will start big fights.
I am over-whelmed with so many expectations.
Now my in-laws keep saying - come back, hubby also needs you in work, you also come and work from here, take care of house, MIL cannot take care of all, now she gets too tired, etc.
But i know that once i go back, same name-calling and abuses from them will start eventually. Also D is become big now, and her
attitude is also not nice any more. Also, if i adopt a child, i do not think i can have time for all that.
So i feel i am happy here.
Hubby was initially reluctant to leave and live separately, but he secretly likes it now.
But why do i feel so guilty? What should I do?
If we adopt a child, I do not want to raise him/her in such a bad atmosphere, even though there will be other form of support.
You are a very nice person!
Thanks, Tanu!
i agree wth dia with more to add
nice, and me? Tell my MIL and see her face! LOL!!
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