Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hello Friends
I know this forum is for married women n not for someone like me but still i know this is the best place for me as only u people can suggest me the right way.I am very very depressed.I am 25 yr old good looking doctor from a financially well off family.just got engaged to my senior who is also a doctor and is in US now.We fell in love n its been few yrs now n so got engaged.I love him unconditionally BUT still there are some doubts.I REALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE.I LOVE HIM MADLY But dont know if he is right for me or not.There are few reasons why i took this decision.
1.Family is very nice.Inlaws are just great.
2.I want to do MS n Mch and he is very supportive when it comes to academics.Infact he can cook clean everything.no ego at all.
3.He is my first n last love.
4.Our interests ,goals,dreams,ambitions are all same.
NOW THESE ARE BIG PROBLEMS THAT ARE MAKING ME MISERABLE.
1.I have old parents n one mentally weak 22 yr old sister.He is ready to supprt them but i dont think so.AS many times he told some words for my mother n i kept quiet.very bad words that too for no reason.He didnt tell to her but to Me.
2.He gets angry ,shouts,abuses very very badly anytime n everytime.( we dont have any issues but even for some silly reasons he abuses me).its like 7-8 times a month.i never reply back as i want a peaceful life but now it has started hurting my self respect.
3.We talk for 5-10 mins in 2-3 days as he is says he is busy.but he goes to hospital at 8 n comes back at 2 but still never gets time for me.i dont complain as i know he needs time for his career.but sometimes i feel very very lonely even when he is in my life.n then i feel whats the use of such relationship ?i feel to talk atleast 1 hr in 15 days or month.no emails no chat but some good words.
4.he has many friends there.many girls.he goes out every weekend with them.even everyday he takes his lunch n dinner with them.i understand he needs to refresh himself.but still he can talk to me n refersh too isnt it ?
5.He had one girl friend n she left him but still he remembers her sometimes but thats ok i know we dont forget our first love we try not to think.so thats ok too.they had physical relationship for some years.in my case we just held our hands 4-5 times thats it.
6.One day when he came to our house.he forgot his laptop,that time his yahoo account was open.i saw mails of many girls.they were like when are u coming nude on cam next ?I WAS SHOCKED but then controlled n created a fake ID talked to him.he was ready to do that for me too.I WAS HURT.but then i was like guys are like that.He is alone there in US so fun may be he is doing it for fun.after marriage i will be there so it will be ok.i never asked him about this n never said that i know this.it will hurt him if he comes to know that i know everything.It happened 2.5yrs back i think.
NOW PROBLEM IS I HAVE TO THINK OF MY HAPPINESS.
now my heart n mind are saying different things.Regarding the need to support family i think i will manage it.afterall we girls know to adjust but my heart says i am very very lonely i need more from him but its ok .life isnt easy.regarding his abuses my mind says i need some respect but then my heart says he says sorry after saying all that.but he abuses me very very badly.very cheap words.but its ok.Now regarding his busy life i feel its ok.he needs time.but my heart says where do i stand in his life when he reaches home by 2 cant we talk atleast 5 mins?cant i get just 1 hr a week??i know he goes out with other girls.i know they are friends but sometimes i feel i dont feel any peace in anyone else' s company then how can he enjoy ?but then my mind says we all are different.regarding his past gf i feel its ok but then my heart also wants love.i felt bad knowing what he does on net but my mind says all guys are like that.its ok.its just online fun.but my heart says how can he share his body with them ?what has he left for me ?I DONT KNOW WHAT IM SAYING/PLS PLS PLS HELP
Thanks monica replied. Hello Dear,

Marry Someone who loves you, He does not show a single sign of love towars you. It might be tough but I wud say. you need to take a decision. Be strong Women !!! I am a boy I would suggest please dont go behind him. Dont let your selfrespect go down. mini replied. hey ayushi..

don' t get impressed with his financial or nri status or that u will be able to do MS there...let me tell u if he is like that u wont be able to do anything of your choice there....

So its better that u work for some yrs , get good experience and then marry a person who loves you..

leave ur ambitions a side..first think will u be even able to \" live \" with him ??

chalo then take care..and take the decision..

bbye n luv to u
mini replied. im being very straight to you bcos its importsnt 4 u to understand that u can' t spend ur long life with him. u will ruin ur life as well as ur kid whom u will give birth to after marrying him....stop using ur heart in this situation...use ur mind..u will be away from ur family too whom u love more than anything then instead of helping them u will only give them more problems.

please dont mind what i say because u have to be strong to take this decision.

Y only u should understand everything and anything..this doesnt happen in love.

i have given u my advice as i would have given to my younger sister dear.

Sometimes we get so blind that we dont see the things which cud have saved us and our family. pls don' t marry him...please..i again repeat.

lots of luv to you Real Person replied. I am not sure, but I know many people in India getting thier daughters married to NRIs. Even though hes' t of good quality. I know there are many hidden intentions & in your case also, you wanna do MS from US & by entering in this marriage u wud be able to complete this high ambition of woman inside you. Just think would u have married him if he wud have behaved in same manner, if he would have been an indian. I know its harash but probably its truth. Decision is in your hand, u know he doesnt care for u & may be he wont even care in future but probably u ll care & get your MS done.
All points what u have written are straight show that he is just not interested in you. u have two options: marriage & MS or marry somebody else. Dia replied. Ayushi,
I know some of friends feeling \" If I wud have knwn him before marriage ,I wudn' t have married him\"

But u r lucky u know everything about him and decision is in ur hands. Character is similarly important to guys. No wife can adjust with a hubby who give attension to other girls other than her. Also, u know he had physical relationship already .Pl dont take it that easy ! It shdn' t be \" ok\" for u !

He doesnt even spend time with u but goes trips with GFs is not seeming that HE really love u! Person who is in love feel like spending more time with his lover. But anytime he didnt seem to be loving u that deep u love him.

Also, I dont believe he would give full support in supprting ur family.

Once talk to ur mom, She can tell u what to do...

But ,in anyway u cant say guys can have any number of girlfriends and even physical contacts.Still we r indian women and cant digest some particular things after marriage.So dont take it easy him having other contacts.

Best of luck. After marriage,More than proffession ,u start giving importance to peaceful ,happy life with a good ,understanding companion.

His one-day abusive behaviour is all enough to spoil ur 1-week of good memries u spent with him. So, be wise in taking decision.

All the best and U deserve a better life partner. anu replied. Dear Ayushi,

You have covered 2 areas in ur post.. First one is professional: You have appreciated that guy in the ways which leads only to professional success like he is encouraging , no ego problem ...Right so we can say that he is a great companion when it comes to ur profession
Now lets talk abt that second aspect which is personal relation ..His characteristics are similar to an abuser.Frequency of abuses per month (that u have written )is too much .I am married for last 6 years and in touch with other married females as well so i can say thats not healthy pattern .
You can not give him a clean chit by saying that all guys are like that .Not all guys get involve in cyber sex and all while they have some one special in their life.He already had a Gf who left him ...even after having Physical relationship as well so i am sure..that guy has abusive pattern while he may be professionally successful.
You have to choose Ayushi ..Either a professionally great companion but abuser or a life partner with ATLEAST normal personality .
Regarding ur unconditional love for him i just have one thing to say that dont marry to whom u love but marry to one who loves you .
You or ur unconditional love can never change him .. He will be what he is .. so better wake up and decide ...

Good Luck


Reader replied. Hi Ayushi,

People in US are not even that busy that they can' t talk to their fiance.

Í know that u love her, but the question is does he love you???? You love him, you want to talk to him, listen cute words, spend time with him on chat on phone..... does he want?????
It doesn' t seem to.

Don' t do the mistake by marrying him.

Today u might feel that everything will be fine when u' ll join him but the other side is that u may cry too.

You can definately find someone better for urself. 25 and good looking...so why worry??? dddd replied. Hey you are a smart girl. Run while you can . I dont know circumstances after marriage might compel you to stay.Why not harden your heart now and tell no. You never know you might get a much better partner. See i went for an arranged marriage. Given a choice i wudnt do it.now your case is different as you know him before.It doesnt take long for verbal abuse to change to physical abuse too.I have been there so i know.If he is abusing you when your engaged imagine when married. He doesnt come across a trust worthy person.adult chats??.
I would only suggest run while you can.you will heal sooner now then after married and going thru abuse u mentioned. being engaged he shud be extra nice to u not abuse u 7-8 times a month.
With so many warning signs,its red flag everywhere run while u can.best of luck post back. Known Stranger replied. If you are not certain as yet about breaking this tie altogether, at least postpone the marriage for a good long time. You can do your MS and MCh here in India as well, though entry into a Govt.Medical seat may be very tough.

What you have described and your earlier postings, YOU MUST REVIEW SERIOUSLY your decision to marry a philanderer like this doc! You are in the same profession too, don' t you think that among docs the sanctity of body sometimes gets lost more frequently than among non-docs? I wonder is this a professional hazard?

Bottomline : Say NO to abuse, be it emotional or physical(sexual) in ANY relationship. r replied. Hi Ayushi,

Even i had seen financial status of my hubby and got married but for god sake you better dont take any hasty decision.
Money doent not give anything they just give temporary satisfaction .My dear friend you are lucky enough to get these advises from experienced people out here.

I would suggest you to think 100 times before taking any decision,coz then you will be helpless and will not be able to do anything. Ritika replied. You have some major major misgivings about this guy...and I dont blame you from what you have written about him.

If I remember correctly, you had written in this forum sometime back also abt these same issues with this same guy..in that you had mentioned that one of the biggest positive abt marrying him was that he was from a rich family with a lot of status...

I cautioned you then and I' m cautioning you now...money and status might seem big to you now and helpful in ignoring yr fiance' s behavior, but they will not keep you happy after marriage.

Please understand that character, traits etc in a person are quite well formed by the time they are 25 yrs. If your fiance is short tempered and abusive now it is most probable that he will remain like that in future also.

You might love him but does HE love you? Meeting with girls for lunch and dinner when he doesnt have time to call you...having sexual chats online...none of these point to a man in love...

Rest all is up to you...think hard and decide carefully..it will affect yr whole life...
Bhavana replied. I completely agree with \" a friend\" below,but I just wanted to add,try to look at this from a third person' s point of view,everything you have described about your fiancee somehow is pointing towards an abusive relationship which seems to be the likely outcome.
It is really good that you are able to see this side of him now.
I really feel you have to confide this to either you close sibling or a very good friend ,but confiding this to your mother would be a very good alternative.The reason being that sometimes when we are deeply in love we try to turn a blind eye to the truth which may be screaming at us.
If you want to give it another shot as \" friend \" has suggested try to talk this out with him and see what happens.
But remember do not in any way feel guilty or ashamed to let go of this relation,no matter what people tell you or advice you,be strong in whatever decision you take.Please though,think before you commit,and look at all possible angles.
All the very best. a friend replied. Hi, I have gone through your message. Even though u said you are not married yet. but you are experiencing a life which usually happens after 5-6 years of marriage. You are a typical Indian girl. Keep your love aside for some time. Only being you with very patience all the problems will not be solved. Good thing is that you have come to know about him before marriage. Question yourself why should I marry only this guy? What are the +ve & -ve. List them out on a paper. As you are with him from quite some time. You can understand his nature. Try to evaluate his behaviour in future. You are not even his wife now, but still neglects you. In what way he is taking you for granted. You are highly qualified and can defanately lead an independent financial life ahead. Look at your reponsibilities, if you are with this guy in future will you be in a position to keep up. But never ever loose your self respect. Usually these kind of situations come into picture after 5-6 years of life. That time a lady can defanately be in a position to handle their husband and put them in the right track as he should also obey to the society answer many people and will be bonded with the children.

Being you as educated and financially welloff make a good decision which will not make you to repent in future. Take time with him. Sit and talk to him personally. What is making him to neglect you and abuse you for silly reason. If he is expecting anything more from you, if possible try to do that. Other wise tell him your problem. Discussion will always help to solve 90% of the problem. Unless & until you talk to him opnely you don' t know what is making him to behave like that. So my suggession is speak to him first, if you can not do alone, take a help of your elders from your family or from his family whom you feel they can convince him. Try to know the problem & arrive at the solution. If at all you feel, this guy is not suitable for you, don' t think of people around you (who can only comment & do no help). Let them say what ever they want. It' s your life. You have the right to take the RIGHT decision. But before doing anything discuss with your parents. Because of them we are here today.

Don' t loose your self respect in front of someone who doesn' t love you & cares for you.

ALL THE BEST!