Relationships  Discussion Forum

Dear Sumathi and dddd,

I am not a regular reader of this board. I just happened to read your posts while browsing through this site. Before that I didn’t know that there were so many more girls out there dealing with what I am going through in my life. Yes, I am also dealing with a similar situation in my life at this time.

I am married for 7 years and have a 15 month old son. I am in US and am working. About 3 months back, one night I left home with my son after I had to call 911. I am settled now in an apartment of my own with my son. And I have filed divorce papers already.

My Marriage in past 7 years has been a torture on me. My husband was verbally and physically abusive to me from 3rd month of my marriage until 5th year. That’s when I had first left home (I didn’t had my baby then) after I decided to be strong and refused to be a victim of his abuse anymore. I hadn’t called 911 then. 3 weeks later I decided to return to him after numerous calls full of apologies to me that he will never do that again and that he will change and blah…blah…blah… I thought he was genuinely sorry and will change. He had promised the same a number of times to my brother and mom as well. After I got back everything was good for a period of 3-4 months. He was nice and caring and all that… I got pregnant after a few months (I wasn’t as smart as dddd). He didn’t physically abuse me after my return but slowly he returned to verbal abuse as bad as it was before. Apparently he had forgotten all his promises he had made to me and my family. He did terrible things to me during my pregnancy and in the hospital right after my son’s birth and in following months. Now the worst part, my MIL joined us for 6 months when my son was 5 months old. She is one such woman who should be framed in a very cheap (he and his family are ultra kanjoos) picture frame hanged in an abandoned museum. She is such a double faced woman. She will say me something on my face and behind my back she will say an all together different thing to my husband. I heard her talking to my husband several times when she thought I wasn’t listening. She took advantage of the fact she had learnt by then that my husband and I were not very close and had issues. She had created several new misunderstandings between us. After she left, I and my husband stayed together for 2 more months and that was enough for me to learn that this man will never change.

First 3 years I didn’t even tell my family what I was going through and tried to change him with love, care, talks, anger and even suicide attempt. Nothing worked. I didn’t die and he didn’t change. Of course after every beating he will be on my toes and will be sorry. After a couple days/weeks he will repeat his behavior for any stupid reason (need not be directly related to me e.g. If he lost some money in share market or if he was mad at his brother for not listening to him that he should leave his well paid job in India and join us in US with his wife and 2 kids or if he had a rough day at work or if second daughter was born to his brother or if I wanted to buy gifts for his 2 nieces in India etc…) He told me after 6 months of marriage that he was doing a favor to me by providing me food and shelter and that he did a favor to me by marrying me, no body else would have had married me. I wasn’t working that time. First thing I did was to find a job because I had promised to myself and to him that I will not take anyone’s obligation for food and shelter. Things didn’t change even after I found a job because now his worries were that I had become financially independent and confident. He tried to control me a great deal by sending all of my income to his family in India for 3 years. Later I started keeping my money with myself here and refused to send India. Then it was him who had started calling my brother or my mom during every fight to complain about me. First my family, not realizing what I was going through, tried to make me understand/compromise, thinking those were mere misunderstandings. But when I told them about physical and verbal abuse I was dealing with they were shocked and completely on my side.

I am much happier now as I don’t have to go through physical, verbal and emotional abuse anymore. Though dealing with attorneys is a pain but with my family’s full support I am able to cop up with that. And I forgot to mention that he has made tens of thousands of calls and emails to me and my brothers and my mom that he is sorry again in last three months. To my surprise he forgot to mention it to his family that he agrees to his faults and is sorry and wants me and my son back. His family was hurt that I called cops on their son and they didn’t contact me or my mom all these months. I had asked my family not to contact his family either. His parents broke their silence last week by accusing me for false made up stories in front of the couple who had worked as mediator at the time of marriage. That didn’t work because when my mom explained them of the mental and physical abuse I have been through at their son’s hands, this mediator couple switched to our side. Over here I am still struggling with laws regarding parenting time and child support etc.

Even though I may sound very strong and in control of myself but I did cry on many days and nights initially holding my little one in my arms. I have been through hell of a time last 3 months. And I must admit that I couldn’t have survived this difficult time without my family’s unconditional full support. Now I and my son are starting to settle down but we do face new challenges every day.

If you are willing to talk in detail about my specific case or share your agony, let me know and I will provide u my personal email. Hope we all can benefit from each other’s experiences and work towards betterment of our and our kids lives. I will be glad to help in which ever way I can.

Regards,
Tanu
Aishwarya Trivedi replied. Hi
really felt very happy..ki kisi ko tou insaaf mila.....

Tanu meri shadi ko feb me 3 saal complete ho jayenge...meri saas-nand mujhe physical torture karti hai aur husband unka sath dete hai.......mujhe rape b karte hai..me one month pregnant hu aur mera sasuraal gaon me hai jahan prathmik suvidahy b nahi hai...Me divorce k liy apply karna chahti hu kyoki ab bardasht nhi hota ..ME ek MNC company me kaam kar rahi hu ...please mujhe bataoo kya me apne bachee ki custody le sakti hu My situation is exactly like you except that I was working in US before weddding as a software engineer. We both are here after marriage. To tell the MIL , they are very tricky.
I am very generous having thoughts about good relationship with MIL, FIL and SILs.
I have two SILs one marred[2nd marriage .First marriage divorced due to MIL issue] and 2nd was doing MBA. My husbnad has got them a flat for 18 lakhs and I have worked very hard and I have finished the loana nd gave money for 2nd sister in law for studies and so many things. 1nd sister-in-law' s husband is not earning good. But she never want to live with what her husband earns. Always getting money from him as much as She can. I donot know how to make crying dramas. They are very good expert in this. I have gone through very hard time. Cannot be expressed in words. My husband used to treat me as outside person .
Donot know why? But most of the husbands are like that. But still we need to get a house for my SIL. See the things on my head . But out of doing all these things they are not willing even to get a saree? No love. No affection. Only Money and nothing else.

For my husband if their parents ask for anything , he cannot sleep until thats done.
I was pregnant and 2nd sister-in-law completed her studies and never try for a job.
While chatting I asked her about that. She created a big issue . My husband was fighting with me with out asking any details .I was all the time crying when i was pregnant.
On the top of that , My husband told me he needs to being his parents first. I explained in so many ways that a girl needs mothers love during delivery and nobody else take care of that. But he didn' t listen. They had visa 1 year and jsut before 1 month they told us that they cannot come and they need to see alliance for my 2nd sister -in-law. I was working and I need to go back to work as I have to finish so many commitments for them .
she told me . To all the relatives they told that it' s my parents duty and why should they come. Atlast they didn' t come and they didn' t allow my parents to come. All his friends blamed him and to save his parents he called my aunt who lives nearby .Even that time he didn' t think about me but thinking about his parents name getting spoiled.

They came after 1 month and really a lot of issues. I was accepting everything as they are taking care of the baby and I need to go back to work. My FIl was shouting at me for nothing withuout even thinking that I am his daughter in law and I just delivered a baby. I was having severe migrane problems, breast engorgement.They bothe were at home . But no help. One time my aunt visisted me , they didn' t make any food. I was working from my 2nd month. When my aunt gave them 100$ , they acted reverse and told lots of complaints about me saying that \" I am not cooking and not at ll taking care of the house \" . Just to show them I am not doing anything , they didn' t cook anything today. and all nasty things which is not at all valid. They married their 2nd daughter to a computer company owner and they are ver orthodox. She has to wear only saree. They told that my daughter cannot wear any modern dress and she' s wearing pant /shirts to office and I am feeling jealous.
When my pump milk for the baby, my MIL used to tell, my first SIL didnt have milk but you have it...I was really upset.

So many things happened , but even then my husband was not at all taking serious things.
He never understand my side and understand my feelings.I got them microwave , and costly items and jwels for their daughter and everything.

After going to India they went to my house [the day when My parents are starting to US]
and told them all complaints about me for 2 hours . They critised me for wearing capris in beach in a third rated way.Think about my parents situation.they also said my brought up is not good.

I was the best outgoing student in my school, college .. and I am the roll model for all our relatives for good brought up. My principal and everyone used to say my parents should be gifted to have me as daughter. We were millionares and lost everything within couple of months , then I took charge of my family, work day and night , finished my sis marriage , brothers studies and got house for my parent and .... I have a circle for me and I even donot have more than 10 dresses. I never ask my husband and he' s also not interested in getting me anything. My parents really felt bad and felt sorry for selecting these people for my life. I never told them about any of the problems. When they know about these , you can imagine their feelings.They also told them please donot tell this to my son. If he knows that his parents are hurt , he' ll divorce your daughter.

They didn' t stop , they went to my sister' s in laws house and told the same to them.
They already know me . They have a great respect for me and they also felt bad.

Like Tanu, I always think that I am living for my daughter and I used to hold her and cry her and tell her all my problems.
She' s really GOD' s gift to me.

It was really hard and I have gone through the tough phase. I am still hoping that GOD is listening my preyers and change people mind.

Nothing much I can do unless and until they change their mind. I am waiting in the list for my preyers to get answered ek replied. Hi! Tanu
i m so touched to hear ur story. you are a very brave women.my story is somewat similar with u. I ill tell u in detail som other time. wsh i had courage like you.
dont worry now everything ill be in ur stride. God is with you.dat was ur testng tme wch has passed. happy days r here 2 cme. my best wishes r wth u.
may you get all the happiness in ur life

bye take good care f urself.
ur friend
r replied. Hi tanu Reading your post has made me more strong ,I feel my problem is so small in front of you and now i can easy handle it.

Want to be your friend. nn replied. Hi Tanu
After I read ur story I can see my life a cmbinatin of urs and dddds in a similar way. even I belong to a wel to do family and we gave them so much in the wedding and thye are so stingy tht I cant eentype .
I am going thru a lot of emotional turmoil right now. couple of days back he started fighting ith me as to why do I even utter my parents in pfront of him . I should not talk to my parents not discuss or as a matter I shouldn even say my mom infront of him ...he started getting violent and threw me towards the wall andd started choking me. I pushed him over and called 911 . Even my inlaws didnt talkt to me since then tht why have i called police on there son and I being a lady shld have handled wit love and by surrenderring to him coz thts wht my eldr bro in law called and told me to do and shld have done. He told me why did u call the police I shld have calle dhim and he is in India ...wht good he wud have done by being there and I being here????
I am going thru a lot tensions and he hasnt changed a bit he is such a thickskineed every day he is threatning to kill me and parents coz my parents are telling to come here to them for a change. he sweras on them so badly.He says if u will go to India I will call the police and ell them tht she took away his child w/o his permission and they wud catch me in India for Child bduction..! i told my paretnst they are in shock now I am consulting few friends & alawyer and will contact local police abt this. I am in a mess rt now...so depressed and so sad. He has ruined my life and I wont spare him now. I want to leave and will soon leave him gathering courage tht I can live and be happy w/o him. We are married for 6.5 yrs and he ruined it .....i thot thing s will chg I will try and make every effort by love ompassion but nothing worked...kuttey ki poonch na sedhi huye hai naahi hogi....Now I have put my foot down on eveything. Even he wanted ust my money as he has lot of debt and wants to use my money to repay it. my bro in law told me tht its ok we shld sort this out together i shld give him the money..andI am saying no have done tht enuf of times and now I cant and wont

Please advice if going thru divorce how long it takes and abt child custody?
dddd replied. Hey Tanu ,you are a brave woman and role model to girls in abusive marriages. By now u must have known my background too .First of all let me tell you my husband only came back to senses only after i called 911 and took a order from court that he shudnt stay in the same house as me for 6 months. When you left your husband you shud have called the cops on him the first time. before you returned after 3 weeks. My husband is now okay tho once in a while verbal abuse is there.you knowwhen my husband first hit me i didnt know all these legal things and confided with my in laws and sil . That was it they abused me on the fone. I live in US.it went on for 3 yrs and last time he hit me he wanted to marry my immediate relative and not divorce me too and my stupid in laws even told him they wud support him. That was it . I had to do something.I called the cops on weekend and next court date was on a weekday and he was behind bars for 3 days. My parents cried over the fone and blasted his parents. but they had the nerve to tell my parents indirectly that they shud repay his credit card debt (25k$) and then he will be okay and i shud have not called cops. Then i told them tell your sil to do the same to your daughter for 4 yrs and then tell her to be patient. They asked me point blank u want to divorce him . SO i said i will have to think. thats it they told my husband she wants to live with u. Tanu let me tell u if i were not to be from well to do family they wud have told my husband to divorce me .My in laws are also stingy to bones. My engagement saree was horrible. My husband hadnt seen my house before that. We have our house in the oldest and costliest area of my city. I wanted to stop the engagement seeing there cheap mind. My parents told me not to. Wish i hadnt listened to them.but in marriage they got me expensive sarees as they had status to maintain to people who came for the engagement. For a person who was rejected by all the girls he saw before me my husband acted like he was from royal family and me downtrodden.
After calling 911 my husband had to take anger management classes .i never thought he will change but he did. Now i am still not convinced and will definitely see if i can separate after i get my permanent residence.
Why dont you ask your husband to pay you alimony and child support. That will be enuf for him to realize your value. you know when my husband and i were separate last year my in laws convinced my husband not to pay the rent for the apartment i lived in. One month he did that.So i told him if you do that i will file for divorce and make u pay me huge amount as alimony . that will drive sense into you.then he paid.sometimes it takes a hard knock to bring sense in them.
I know how u feel. I cried the whole time i did it. but i projected i was strong to my in laws and husband.it had to be done sooner or later. I only wish i had done it the first time. I wish my sil goes thru same . Then my in laws will realize.
once when i thot i was preg my husband told me he is not the father.then and there i decided i may never want to have kids thru him.I am more leaning towards separating from him after i get my permanent residence.its not worth the pain.But i dont want to look back and say i didnt get anything out of all abuse. I shud get something right.
take care of you and the baby.Postback. Adi replied. Hi Tanu,

I am so touched to hear your side of story. You are a strong women.

I too have same thoughts just as what Preeti said. May God give you a lot of strength and courage to come over all these blocks at the earliest. I wish guys such as your husband should learn a lesson with these situation. No wonder it might not be easy for them as well to loose a family so nice and loving, and its a bigger loss for them not to have such a caring, loving wife- just coz they dont deserve you or your kid.

Best wishes dear and best of luck to you & ure kid.

Adi Preethi replied. Hi Tanu
U are indeed very brave woman.My heart goes for women like you.I really feel sorry for what u have gone through.I dont understand why men behave this way.They too surely go through mental trauma then why this false ego?Love is such a beautiful feeling and it is so wonderful to be around with someone loving and caring.Hope these men like ur hubby understand this.
Hats off to you.DOnt worry dear god is great and he has something wonderful for you and your son.You are his fav child so he does not want u to suffer so relieved you.
This too shal pass away.
take care
Love to ur kid