Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi All,

You must be thinking the topic as weird. It is weird because I am in a situation like that. My MIL is a widow and has been taking care of the house from the beginning. This gives us an impression of a very household and a homemaker lady but that is not true. She is the most affectionate person I have ever seen. In some points I feel I am lucky to have her cause she is very sweet, co-operative but the only thing she lacks is Intellect, the qualities of a Homemaker, she is extravagant- has no value for money, loves shopping for unnecessary reasons. My husband and his brother are the sole providers and 80% of mine and my husband's income is going in the house. Since she was an early widow and has seen lot of bad days, now in better days she has started spending blindly. I think the biggest reason is her boredom too, she likes to be occupied and busy all the time, so for a kg of Tomatoes she will take a taxi and go 15 kms to buy them. Height of spendthrift!!!

From the beginning I got married, she is the one who is handling the house and money affairs, since all of us my SIL-BIL myself and my husband are working we find it convenient but the problem is her improper ways. Now the family is growing and we have children and if we will not save now, we will be in deep troubles. My SIL is not going to help me in that because my SIL and BIL are not earning enough to run their life on their own. The 80% of the household expenses are borne by my husband as he is more financially sound. My SIL is also like my MIL and both are throwing the money. I don't mind him contributing for the family but for sure I know that there are 100 better ways of handling the expenses. I have given hints indirectly to her and my SIL explaining the value of money but to no use in their eyes I am stingy and trying to control the money.

My parents are well off and more financially sound then my in laws. My mother on the contrast would save and buy gold or car for herself instead of buying 10 night suits. They spend on clothes and eatries, though this looks very small but I know in totality the money is lot. I don't like buying too many clothes for kids as every three months they outgrow them and the old ones are waste. There are a lot of small things in our day to day life where we could try and save. After 5 years of my marriage when enough became enough I told my MIL first politely and then sternly what she has done in the past and changed the whole house process. My husband helped me in this we were posted abroad and I brought my MIL with me. She is with me for the past two years and here I am running the house (Shopping mainly). All other daily house chores handling the maids, driver, kitchen I have left on her. I encouraged her to read and watch T.V to kill time but I still feel that nothing can bring her happiness as much as a shopping does. I feel that after my FIL died she hasn't seen much and wants to buy everything available without thinking of the cost. Here in abroad the shopping is less cause she doesn't know the city at all, neither the language. I don't know whether I have done right or wrong cause somewhere I feel guilty of taking her independence from her. My husband consoles me that whatever I have done am good for all of us. I have never differentiated between my kids and my SIL and keep worrying for 4 of them. Their education, their future is more important now.

I have tried explaining these things to her but she hasn't forgiven me from her heart for taking away her money independence, neither has she understood what I try to tell her. Living abroad if gives us much monetary freedom on the other brings a lot of expenses too, the cost of living here is very expensive, the medical, children education yearly India trips can easily saturate you!!

I am tired now, though both of us are very close to each other but do not talk about money now, in her heart she is the same with her money thoughts and in my heart I am the same with my saving thoughts. Do you think one day she will be able to understand me on this issue? She feels I exaggerate the expenses to her as this doesn't happen in India. She loves my kids and I never mention anything before them. Now she is waiting to go back to India and has informed us ten times to send her the money there as she doesn’t like it here. I don’t know what to do now as I am happy if she lives with us, if she goes back to India she will again start her spending and will put us in deep money problems. My husband says that he will never send the money but I know that will make the things worse and I will get the blame of masterminding him, though I want her to handle the house but efficiently and twice thinking before spending……Please reply and suggest how to tackle this………………..WORRIED
Archie replied. Dear Worried!

I have to say your situation is quite interesting, and although long message you managed to put both sides, yours and MILs.

It's very difficult to see whether one of you will mold for other.

If she want's to go to India, let her go. You can have an amount fixed to be sent her anually or monthly. Have this discussed prior to her departure to India. Let her have fredom to express her needs on economy point when you discuss. You and your spouse can help her making see reason at some despensable expenses and hope she will get it.
This will allow you to make happy that you are doing job of a good dauther-in-law, which is giving her freedom and charge to take care of house in India and also help yourself on saving part.

It's always difficult when one thinks on saving while other wants to spend. There are couples with this issue, yours is little milder as it's between you and MIL.

I liked the fact that you are worried as you feel your MIL and you have good relation and want to maintain that.

Good luck.
Archie kunal replied. i think u r trying to have control over everything .
This world is full of different creatures everybody has a nature .
U cannot holdonto things and make them happen as you want ..so u have to sometimes,\";let go\";.

donot worry abt ur future for too long term.Live in the present moment .U don't evenknow who is going to away tommorow.Think abt it !

be happy