Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hey friends.. lots of things have happened in my life altogether.H' s suspected but never accepted affair ,then his depression ,his abuses and presently adopting good behaviour towards me.Now a days i am experiencing a very different kind of feeling .I am withdrawing myself from other people and all things. Dont take me wrong , i am playing all my duties as mother , as wife successfully but something within me has died.I feels like i have lost myself somewhere. I dont feel any emotion anymore except for kids. Dont know whether someone of you has such experience at some phase in your life. .
I met with professional counsellor already and he clearly denied the possibility of mine being in depression.How can i inspire myself to be alive in emotional terms.How to revive my old interests? So sorry to come with such a strange problem.

Anu

dddd replied. Hey Thanks for the reply.look at us now and before 5 yrs. We have come a long way.In b/n we set right our husbands. All husbands and in laws live in 12 th century.we shud be all the while pressing their feet and day in and day out be like husband' s jhoothi. You know my In laws told me being a woman you shud not do anything drastic like i did last year and be calm and talk to him lovingly when he is abusing.Being a woman i shud be patient.In their house harping about the problem on and on till you close your ears is called discussion. Nothing comes out of it but they give a glorious name called we discussed the problem and made positive efforts.Let me tell you if i have a problem i just mention it . Thats it.But these people keep talking about it for days together.No result but we discussed is the name.Now i just snap at my husband if he does something wrong and use verbal abuse.He is also making an effort,as he sees to it that i dont get ticked off. but its too late to bring anything positive here.
Your husband is just showing his insecurity. All husbands live in 12 th century.You have become very confident and smart woman .The basic rule is we shud not let anybody hurt us,especially like my husband and your husband.Even they are not worth the pain.My husband asked me dont u care for me or concerned with my problems. So i told him that ship sailed a long time ago. Now i am just thinking about my happiness and my life. yOu are just a small part of it. An inevitable part.its like a mole on your face or hands, have to live with,thats all.
Now our motto shud be how i can make my life better,enjoy myself.It will just be me here. No more us.
In b/n how is your job going on.
Take care and post back. dddd replied. Hey ,Its really good to know we are somewhat settling into what you call a normal life after such stressful time.
About my husband let me explain. Actually it was only he who wanted to marry. That girl,poor thing is not aware of this at all.Everything was in my husband' s mind and he tortured me.Even before something unfortunate like that girl getting haunted by this painful episode i took legal action and gave my husband a rightful dose. Even when he was separate from me last yr he tried to get in touch with her. But after few days i think he realized its going nowhere and stopped it. In b/n he abused me for all the stupid reasons. See my in laws dont realize anything as its not their daughter suffering. They practice black magic on son in law and keep him in full control of daughter and them.That fellow doesnt open his mouth without uttering her name.They all thought whoever marries my husband they can keep her in full control.They tried with me. I didnt let them do much . then they backed off.
Now my husband doesnt talk much about her or has told all such stupid things.What my in laws said to my husband was they realize the pain of being married to the wrong person and will try to counsel us to set our marriage straight when we go back to india.That is indirect support right. once my husband returned to me. My in laws tried to talk about that girl and disturb his mind for quite a long time.But by then i dont know what happened my husband backed off.
I am all for separating from him. my siblings have been in much worse situation like dominant in laws threatening of divorce and son possesive of parents. You name it my parents have seen it.If i am not able to convince my parents i want to separate i may not do so at all.I dont want my parents to relive the memory of my siblings suffering.Probably i will remain in this marriage just for the book. Some marriages are just to show the outside world. I have seen lot of people in such marriages. some of my friends are.Eventually when i have kids maybe next year of year after i will when the time comes tell them about what my husband did and bring them up so that they dont become like him.
My love for him has died long back. I dont feel anything but just married for the name thats it.now he has realized his value is nothing in my life and tries to be nice to me most of the times.But in b/n verbal abuse is there.That he will never forgive me for the legal thing. But i dont care he knows.But now i enjoy his misery.Dont you think we are entitled to this after heaps of abuse.
Its really nice to see your reply.i look forward to your replies.Take care and post back. dddd replied. Hey,its nice to know your husband is also making a positive effort. Sometimes it just takes a drastic step to bring them to notice our feelings.Really happy for that.
What you mean by hurtful people is completely true. Life is too short to try to be nice to them and expect same and dont get. They are not worth the pain.Once we withdraw ourselves from them they shud realize it. I always tell the same. if someone wants to maintain good healthy relationship with us good we can make an effort and they can too. But if they dont and we keep on making, Too bad its their loss not ours if we dont want to continue.
Its really nice to know about your husband' s behaviour now.
Let me tell you an example.
I had a friend here who was friends thru my parents. She went on and on about how she is high class and i am a charity case.Its not me but she feels everybody is one. I tried as much as possible not to break off as my parents are really good friends with her parents from 10 yrs.One day she passed a very bad remark that maybe that type of modern dressing wont suit me and i shud listen to her and dress accordingly.then she said the house i stay in is a dump .
I told her then and there i live my life for myself not for others or to please others.and definitely my intention is not to please you.i will wear what i want when i want and stay where i want. The apartment i stayed in was in a nice area and near to my husband' s work.She hasnt seen the city nor my apartment ,but said its a dump and in cheap area.thats it i just blasted her and gave her a peace of mind. it was brewing for long. Next day she apologised and tried to talk. I just replied and never spoke to her. In fact her mom said she is acting immature and shud have behaved properly.She is one such people in my life whom i am glad i got rid off.
think of such people whom u come across and just cut them off. I suffered from all her stupid talk for 3 yrs.This was in b/n my husbands abuses.they are not worth even thinking and worrying about.I suffered and dont want anybody to suffer from such people. They are people who can never bring joy to anybody.But only they can make others sad.Everybody has someone like this in life maybe friends or relatives.Dont let them bring you down. tell them off.
instead you can spend all the time with your lovely kids and husband and create memories of having good times.
As far as my husband i am now in dilemma as my mind is stone hearted to his efforts due to yrs of unecessary and uncalled for abuse.If it was abuse maybe i wud have let it go. He wanted to get married with one of my close unmarried relative.And not divorce me too. Imagine that stress.And his parents backed him for his insane wish.Now he doesnt talk about it.so i dont want to make any effort.I have been with him when i cudnt afford to buy expensive and he was b/n jobs most of the time.He knows ,i know his family knows but they project as tho its not a big deal and its normal in marriage. Normal wud be if you are b/n jobs once a year . But b/n jobs almost every 3 months.
Anyhow lets see how it goes in a year or two.Take care and post back. dddd replied. Hello Anu,How are you?Yes its been long.I am in a disturbed mood too. As my husband has been comparitively good to me after last year and i feel i deserved it before i took some legal action.Anyway this is something we have to undergo when we are in such setup.I dont think we can call it depressed. We are just taking all the time we have to think about this and it is further driving us to edge.Maybe venting out or therapy will be good .I have chosen the first one.Now my husband is making all the effort to make our marriage work with occasional outbursts.
how about you?How is your husband doing?Did i go over the line here?Dont lock yourself.I am trying to talk to my friends and getting a little comfort. Maybe it will help you too.its not a sudden change it will take 1-2 yrs.I am still recovering from last year.See if its something like a physical illness we can recover in a short time. But this is a mental ache which takes a lot of time and effort from us only.
Best of luck. Take care of yourself. dddd replied. Hey are you the Anu who posted before. Aarushi replied. I think you need to change your counsellor. It doesnt seem as if he has been able to help you or if you quite agree with his analysis. Go to somebody else and he/she might be able to help you more. HBT replied. Hi Anu,

I have been thinking of you. I understand to some extent what you are going through.

Want to speak to you.

HBT