Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

I have a problem with my 13 year-old daughter. I think she is being teased at school because of her dark indian skin. Practically all of the kids at her school have fair skin and she is very shy and inverted. She plays a lot of out door sports,like tennis and soccer so she is tan. I tell her nobody cares what she looks like outside, it is inside what matters, but she I want her to have lots of friends and be confident, but her self esteem is low. She cries a lot and beleives she is ugly and dumb. She is a bright child, and I don't want her to be bullied or made fun of. I'm not sure what happens at her school, because even though I ask and try to help, it is like she is in her own world. I'm very worried for her, Please Help Me!
-a very worried mom JJ replied. Dear Divi,
Sorry to hear about your 13 year old. Good self-esteem is extremely important in a young lady. It sounds like addressing the issue at school would not take you very far. I concur with the suggestion that focusing on your daughter's personality and ability and teaching her to do the same is good. However you cannot ignore the fact that she lives in the world where external beauty is sought after and valued. The question is what does your daughter believer fair skin will accomplish for her that she does not already have? More friends? Well everyone knows that friendship is about caring, sharing, being there for one another, supporting and looking out for the other, its not about skin color...you can give her everyday examples from her own life or those of her peers that helps her understand this...
Well then, maybe its about popularity. She may believe that being fair skinned is equivalent to being more popular..well, here again, popular people are not popular because of their skin color, but their personality, abilities, charm etc. If this were not the case, then every fair skinned girl in her school would be popular, not very likely..I'm sure she can see this for herself...etc.etc. You see where I'm going with this..it's about sitting her down and having a conversation with some depth, making an effort to understand the way she perceives things...this would give you ideas on how to deal with it. If you dismiss her worries or minimize them by saying only the internal matters, she would probably think that you do not understand her. And here is some additional food for thought, if you are not dark-skinned yourself, she may think that you cannot empathize with her problem, but I'm sure as a child there were things that you were insecure about and had to overcome, use this to convey to her that you understand her feelings. Good role models, in her community, school, family, religious circle would also be good resources to tap into. If you continue to see that she is having crying spells, low self-confidence, changing eating, sleeping eating habits , dropping grades..you may need professional help from a Psychologist, maybe there is somthing more going on than meets the eye. I wish you the very best. Happy parenting! Malathi replied. Hi Divi,
I think it would be good for you to approach her teachers and find out what's happening. I am sure they will help you and her get out of this. In the meanwhile, please do continue with your praises and love, cuddle and hold her more often and tell what she and her family think of her is more important than what others think of her. Nina replied. Hello Divi,
I felt so sad for your daughter for having a low self esteem. It's so important at her age to have a good self image.

Girls do a lot of growing in those tender years and what she thinks of herself at her age now will help pave the way for her future outlook.

It's a touchy subject since you do not want to go and directly address the issue at her school since that could only make things worse.

However, you may want to continue to tell her she's beautiful, her father and other relatives should also tell her the same. Young girls often don't take much of what their parents say as fact over their peers, but say it anyways.

Beauty is within her as well on the outside...

Explain to her that the content of her character is what matters and her complexion whether dark or light does not make who she is.

Surround your daughter around positive female role models who may have darker skin.

Growing up, I didn't have the issues about my complexion, but, I did have issues about being so thin. Back then, all my peers would tease me for having \";chicken legs\";... lol

I can laugh now, but back then, it hurt.

so, with all this said, continuly praise your daughter, tell her she's beautiful, intellegent...

Listen to her, look for cues as to what goes on in her school.

I wish you all the best,
Nina