Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi friends, its me again, but without much to add. I came to know my husband approached a lawyer against me - i don' t know if it was for protecting him or for filing a case against me, which i doubt is not possible.
Meanwhile, my mother, brother and his wife went to his parents house in india and talked to them twice in the past one week. In both the instances they were blaming me. Finally when my family asked about what decision they are having in mind, they said howmuchever my dil committed mistakes in the past we are ready to forgive her and want to accept her as their dil!! I don' t know what mistake i did except for marrying their son?!
Still i didn' t hear anything from my husband. There is no response from him for my emails or phone calls, which i do once a week as per the lawyer' s advice. I am just trying to take protective measures for my life after reconcilation if it indeed happen.
I am not sure if i can still hope for a better married life. A change in my husband' s behavior looks like a miracle to be expected, which i mean is less probable.
What i am trying to do is making myself stronger and clearer so that i can be a better mother to my daughter. Trust me it is really hard! I am trying to get a job.
My parents-in-law are coming to US on April 10th. After hearing their complaints (false) against me, I feel the first step should be taken by them for our re-union. I am going to give some time to assess my situation and take a firm step. Because in all these three years i was thinking that they are just immatured people, i didn' t realize they will go to any extent to conceal their mistakes. Tanu replied. Dear Sumathi and dddd,

I am not a regular reader of this board. I just happened to read your posts while browsing through this site. Before that I didn’t know that there were so many more girls out there dealing with what I am going through in my life. Yes, I am also dealing with a similar situation in my life at this time.

I am married for 7 years and have a 15 month old son. I am in US and am working. About 3 months back, one night I left home with my son after I had to call 911. I am settled now in an apartment of my own with my son. And I have filed divorce papers already.

My Marriage in past 7 years has been a torture on me. My husband was verbally and physically abusive to me from 3rd month of my marriage until 5th year. That’s when I had first left home (I didn’t had my baby then) after I decided to be strong and refused to be a victim of his abuse anymore. I hadn’t called 911 then. 3 weeks later I decided to return to him after numerous calls full of apologies to me that he will never do that again and that he will change and blah…blah…blah… I thought he was genuinely sorry and will change. He had promised the same a number of times to my brother and mom as well. After I got back everything was good for a period of 3-4 months. He was nice and caring and all that… I got pregnant after a few months (I wasn’t as smart as dddd). He didn’t physically abuse me after my return but slowly he returned to verbal abuse as bad as it was before. Apparently he had forgotten all his promises he had made to me and my family. He did terrible things to me during my pregnancy and in the hospital right after my son’s birth and in following months. Now the worst part, my MIL joined us for 6 months when my son was 5 months old. She is one such woman who should be framed in a very cheap (he and his family are ultra kanjoos) picture frame hanged in an abandoned museum. She is such a double faced woman. She will say me something on my face and behind my back she will say an all together different thing to my husband. I heard her talking to my husband several times when she thought I wasn’t listening. She took advantage of the fact she had learnt by then that my husband and I were not very close and had issues. She had created several new misunderstandings between us. After she left, I and my husband stayed together for 2 more months and that was enough for me to learn that this man will never change.

First 3 years I didn’t even tell my family what I was going through and tried to change him with love, care, talks, anger and even suicide attempt. Nothing worked. I didn’t die and he didn’t change. Of course after every beating he will be on my toes and will be sorry. After a couple days/weeks he will repeat his behavior for any stupid reason (need not be directly related to me e.g. If he lost some money in share market or if he was mad at his brother for not listening to him that he should leave his well paid job in India and join us in US with his wife and 2 kids or if he had a rough day at work or if second daughter was born to his brother or if I wanted to buy gifts for his 2 nieces in India etc…) He told me after 6 months of marriage that he was doing a favor to me by providing me food and shelter and that he did a favor to me by marrying me, no body else would have had married me. I wasn’t working that time. First thing I did was to find a job because I had promised to myself and to him that I will not take anyone’s obligation for food and shelter. Things didn’t change even after I found a job because now his worries were that I had become financially independent and confident. He tried to control me a great deal by sending all of my income to his family in India for 3 years. Later I started keeping my money with myself here and refused to send India. Then it was him who had started calling my brother or my mom during every fight to complain about me. First my family, not realizing what I was going through, tried to make me understand/compromise, thinking those were mere misunderstandings. But when I told them about physical and verbal abuse I was dealing with they were shocked and completely on my side.

I am much happier now as I don’t have to go through physical, verbal and emotional abuse anymore. Though dealing with attorneys is a pain but with my family’s full support I am able to cop up with that. And I forgot to mention that he has made tens of thousands of calls and emails to me and my brothers and my mom that he is sorry again in last three months. To my surprise he forgot to mention it to his family that he agrees to his faults and is sorry and wants me and my son back. His family was hurt that I called cops on their son and they didn’t contact me or my mom all these months. I had asked my family not to contact his family either. His parents broke their silence last week by accusing me for false made up stories in front of the couple who had worked as mediator at the time of marriage. That didn’t work because when my mom explained them of the mental and physical abuse I have been through at their son’s hands, this mediator couple switched to our side. Over here I am still struggling with laws regarding parenting time and child support etc.

Even though I may sound very strong and in control of myself but I did cry on many days and nights initially holding my little one in my arms. I have been through hell of a time last 3 months. And I must admit that I couldn’t have survived this difficult time without my family’s unconditional full support. Now I and my son are starting to settle down but we do face new challenges every day.

If you are willing to talk in detail about my specific case or share your agony, let me know and I will provide u my personal email. Hope we all can benefit from each other’s experiences and work towards betterment of our and our kids lives. I will be glad to help in which ever way I can.

Regards,
Tanu
Ritika replied. Dear Sumathi,

I have not been well recently and hence not checked this website..

I was glad to see yr post and the fact that you' ve decided to be strong.

Your husband seems to be a classic abusive personality. He is showing his vindictive nature to you now, just because you decided to no longer take his abuse any more...

Somebody who is so cold hearted that he would make his 4 month old baby suffer...I do not think that he will suddenly change into a better person. A leapord never changes its spots...I personally know somebody who is like this...and believe me such kind of people never really change their true nature. They go thru life abusing others mentally and physically and have an amazing way of deluding themselves that it is actually they who are being victimized!

Sumathi - I think it will be really helpful if you go and meet a counsellor (you can get some references from the agency you applied for help or yr lawyer)..even a couple of sittings will help you in understanding your own thought processes...and how you shd deal with yr husband and inlaws...it might be expensive but believe me it will be worth it...

It will also ease yr mind and hopefully release a little bit of the stress you are currently having.

Also - next time you are telling yr husband something important, record the phone conversation..so you have proof.

I think you are doing the right thing and are being very strong! It takes a lot of guts to do what you did...road ahead might be tough but it will definitely be better than keep suffering at your husband' s hands.

You are doing absolutely the right thing by trying to find a job...I am sure you' ll find one soon...

Take care..and all the very best to you and your baby *hugz*

Sumathi replied. Dear Friends thanks for your replies. Rupali you don' t know one truth. It takes longer for a woman to find out that she is in an abusive relationship. So please don' t blame me or dddd. Both of us tried the same path initially, love. It didn' t work for both of us sadly.
I could see a positive change in my husband' s behavior last year. I was thinking my love changed him. But whatever happened after the child birth and whatever happened after i left home last month, they are really shocking to me! Till now i was thinking my husband and in-laws are immatured people and my husband has got some anger problem. The extent to which they can go is really shaking me. He was really hitting me whenever he got angry and fell at my feet afterwards. I am sure he won' t dare to do that hereafter. What do you think about taking all the money from joint account, cutting the credit cards and telephone line. In these 3 weeks he never returned my calls or replied to my emails. When i have a 4 months old baby how can he be so careless and rude? So i don' t think it is just anger, it is more to it. He wants me to fall at his feet. Though i have seen his good side, these severe actions make me to think twice about getting back to him. Imagine without a job if i go back now, that too when my in-laws are going to be there, for every expense, starting from my baby' s doctor visit i should depend on him. So even if he doesn' t hit me any more, i have to fulfill his conditions for leading a normal life? I didn' t expect this reaction from him, that is why i am shocked and confused about how my future is going to be.
There is one difference between mine and dddd' s case, she didn' t have a baby when she left her husband and i have one. US law is so complicated that some states don' t allow one parent to take the baby out across the state without telling the other partner. In my case i have told him and left. After seeing the amount of lies they are telling he can deny it and even file a case against me. I heard that he has approached a lawyer regarding our problem from a trustworthy source. That is why i had to consult legal advices to protect myself from false legal charges. Fortunately in my state what i did is legal.
dddd you are right that my family shouldn' t approach them frequently. The problem is this is the first time they have realized the depth of my situation. His family was trying to picture me as an abusive person even against my own family. So my parents and brothers want to show them that they won' t believe their false stories and won' t let me down. They told them that they will support whatever decision i take and the ball is in their court. What you are telling is correct. When i get back i should be a stronger person. Thats what i want to do. Even if his parents approach me i won' t get back unless my husband expressed his wish to live with me. Unfortunately he is not a person who keeps friends. His only contacts are his colleagues. So i am not able to find much about his feelings. In any case i won' t get back unless i get a job.
What his family wanted from my marriage is - my money (neither me nor my family should enjoy anything from it), physical helps from my family (which they won' t get hereafter and they are aware of it) and i should be obedient to my husband' s sister, work like a bull and tolerate her abuses. They know even their first wish is also a question mark hereafter. So they all desperately want to achieve their third wish. My parents-in-law and my husband work like servants to my sil and do things according to her commands. I was also doing like that till now. She took advantage of that and started to abuse me and my family more. If i knee down to her now my baby will suffer. So its not an ego clash. Since i tried to satisfy her ego and got iltreated more, i have to try other ways for a peaceful life.
roopali replied. I have been following your posts and I agree with sakhi. You need to go back and look at what started the fights in the first place.
dddds case is quite different from yours. She clearly does not seem to care for her husband much so she is firm in her stand. In your case you still seem to have feelings for your husband and are not sure at all whether you want to leave him. Your approach from the very beginning has not been like one who has been abused and therefore wants to call it quits.
So sort out your emotions first and if you feel that you need to go back to your husband for whatever reasons be honest with yourself to accept that.
This time remember you will have to deal with your husband and your inlaws when you get back. Ask yourself can you do it? Ask yourself why you would want to do it? The most important thing be honest with yourself. When you do that you will get all the strength in the world to face anything. sakhi replied. HI Sumathi,
Good to know you are doing well. How is your little girl? Hugs and kisses to her from all of us.
It is good that your inlaws are in a \" forgiving\" spirit. It looks to me that in your case there seems to have been some ego clashes somewhere and have set off a whole chain of fights and abuse. You know this whole abuse thing mainfests itself slightly differently depending on the social class you and your husband may have belonged to in India. The beliefs and expectations are not same for everyone.
Even if people live here their ties to their relatives and their relatives attachment to them seem to be as strong as ever.So also the attachment to beliefs and expectations.
Which is why even though you are living in USA and seeem to want to continue living here you will have to study your own individual situation very carefully before you make any decision. What worked for someone else may not work for you and vice versa.
The biggest difference between dddds case and yours is you never called 911 like her. So in your case abuse is all word of mouth.
Any case even if you do decide to return to your husband(which should be a very personal decision for you) I am sure he has realized by now he cannot raise his hand on you and I doubt that he will. So in this sense even if you return you would be stronger than before. And if it does happen again this time you must call 911 because documenting it is very important if you want to pursue the legal option.
Whether you return to him or not JOB should be the foremost thought on your head now. Please get to work back ASAP.
Look for a good day care for your kid or have your parents come down to help. help replied. hi sumathi,
dddd is correct u must be strong at ur position plus plz stop ur parents to go there otherwise ur inlaws will think its ur 100% need to be with their son i know its very diff without a partner but if u are ferm now then u ll have a good life in future with or without him ...and as u say that ur in laws still complaining abt ur false mistakes then after this u better strongly tell ur family to stop going there and react when ur husband starts contacting u coz he is the one with whom u have to live not with ur inlaws.

and if ur parents will go to them again and again they will indirectly loose their respect ..as inlaws unko bekar mey batein sunayengey..

so be firm dont do anything legal think with cool mind and let ur husaband also think with cool mind without any hindrence of out side.

take care
dddd replied. Sumathi Glad to know how you are doing.First of all if situation comes to anything legal do not do anything .Means do not respond to husband nor do anything yourself.See last year my in laws were indirectly pressuring me to separate from their son. I didnt say yes didnt say no.I just told them right now i need to think of my life not as a wife to your son nor dil to you.
One more thing do not send your parents to your in laws house. See after such incidents we shud get back to marriage strong if we get back meek the abuse will continue. When i got back i was strong hence my husband had to bend down in lots of ways. My in laws too.you need to be strong and have minimal informal talk with your husband. in that way you know what he is doing or where he is.I did it. Otherwise my in laws told me themselves that we are trying to convince him to come back to india.And as far as your in laws its really bad on their part to blame you. My in laws did the same.I gave them back. See in laws are scared of their prestige in society So they will try to reconcile maybe with or without husband' s wish.In my case my husband wanted my in laws didnt. now when my husband got back with me they said we did so many pujas for your good married life.but keep instigating my husband to do as he wishes in abusing me.
in my case my in laws came to my parents house as i had called 911 when my husband abused me last time.I told my mother not to feel obligated to treat them like royal family just becoz they are my husbands family. But my in laws expect it.Do not send your parents to your in laws. See the time you get back to marriage shud be such that you are a stronger partner . If it is your husband then its the same story repeated. For you to be stronger in marriage it shud be a collective effort from your family you and your parents. In my case my in laws thot if they go and influence my parents into calling me back everything will be solved and they can call my husband back as i am the reason son is not coming back. The reason is he is himself not wanting to go back. if he really thinks of going back even he know this marriage is doomed.See when my in laws went to my parents my parents were very verbal about they not wanting me to continue in this marriage along with me. That made me stronger to get back if at all at that point i thot of it as a possibility.You shud think of this too.In my case i took a step to reunion as i didnt have a job nor knew driving and major reason of all i didnt want my in laws to end up on my husbands door and convince him to get back or do something behind my back.Be strong when your in laws come and try to talk to you. Dont admit to any mistakes they tell you have done(false ofcourse).When my in laws tried to pin my husbands abuse to me being aggressive i had it and told them no woman shud marry into your family as you are a bunch of abusers.Its a family trait.be strong and meet your in laws if they come to you.Dont worry they will have to break down against their will as they have a status to maintain in society.Take care of you and your daughter. You have your EAD right if i remember correct.Are you into programming or some other field.Take care of you and your daughter. Post back and be brave.