Relationships  Discussion Forum

Sometime I wonder if it is because the story-line of Indian movies by-and-large end where they do- the warm, fuzzy feeling alongside the little to total lack of preparation for such an amazing and enormous adventure, leave many of us believing some or many of the following:

- You are either happy or sad in your married life
- You get lucky with a very understanding and cohesive partner or not
- The joy in marriage is very illusionary especially after children
- Marriage is a social/community event culturally- I don´ t have to be very happy just ensure I fulfill basic responsibilities- as a parent, spouse, nothing much- JUST BASIC

DO you see what I´ m trying to say? We have such all or nothing/Black-White assumptions about marriage. As a family/couples counselor, I never cease to amaze at the marriages that work- and I have seen no \" Happy Marriages\" . The ones I´ m talking about are couples who are committed (many times, one partner more than the other)- they endure and work hard on the not-so-happy days. Not sit and hope for the \" happy days\" of yore, or of course, the ones from an unoriginal movie.

In short, don´ t ask yourself- have I landed the \" right relationship\" ? Instead ask yourself:

- Are there ways I have forgotten to entertain hope for the relationship?
- Are there ways I should be looking at working actively- try something else that I haven´ t already?
- Are my expectations too high or too low?
- Are my partner´ s expectations too different from mine?
- Do i think it´ s a virtue to live with tension or difficulties?
_ Most importantly, do I/my partner focus on only the negatives and let the positives slip by unnoticed?
- Do we value our mental health enough to monitor it and act on improve the quality of life?

Today is a world of instant dosas. We know more about relationships, how they work, what we can do to effectively improve them and so on. And trust me, what you can do through awareness and commitment can effect a change that tastes far far better than those instant dosas!

Bangalore Psychotherapist anita replied. hello sivakamia,
i found ur posts sensitive and hate dissolving.. my question to you is, how does the woman build her self esteem? i am grappling with the realisation that we as women are programme do nurture and love... and i' m very very content when i do that for my husband, but it does not get reciprocated.. not the way i want! and no matter how many times i talk about it with him, it always slips back.. i hate having to always ask for love! we women are so tuned into men and their needs... why not vice versa? and this from a guy whom i think is very broad minded in his outlook! i am made to feel like its just too much to spend time with me, talk with me, be physically intimet with me... i cant tell my husbacnd these things, i' ve tried! but he is not receptive...i' ve suggested we go to a counsellor, read soem books on relations... but he refuses... what is the point of being together if we' re going to have separate lives? talking to me is beyond events in teh world, relatives, opinions, solutions to world problems, ideas... its also about us... and i know we cant have such conversations everyday, but when he senses it in me, he just pretends that it doesn' t exist and i hate that! my self esteem is hit coz i feel unwanted, unneeded.. what do i do? vimpi replied. Hi both of you,

Thank you for your persepectives from psychological and practical point sof view.
After having studied both points of view closely I have this to say:
MILS are MILS all over the world. The basic behavior which is caused by possessiveness of the son is universal and this can never be expected to change because that is the very nature of a MIL (I am not talking of extreme cases like abuse). It is a fact that most people whatever be their nationality find it stressful keeping up a relationship with a MIL and it is certainly helpful if a MIL keep a distance from the sons marital affairs. Unfortunately in India parents take it for granted that a sons home is theirs and a DIL just happens to be living there. Today a DIL contributes as much as a son to make that home financially or otherwise yet there is no change in the attitude of the inlaws towards her.
How can this be right? Therfore this tradition has got to go. Which means our generation must say we will not live with our sons rather look for ways to make ourselves secure in old age.
As for old age homes, a retirement community is a little different from an old age home. In the sense that it is a gated community of houses for the aged where each one lives independantly but in a secure monitored environment where no old person need have the concerns of being robbed etc.
The growth of these should be encouraged and the Indian attitude toward aging must change. How can we just look away from these core issues that you and I will be facing one day and say we will not treat our DIL the way our MIL treats us? These will just be empty words. We have to face the truth a MIL will be a MIL so will you and I be one day. So what can we do to see that our kid sdo not have to face the stress that you and I are facing?
Why are we so afraid of facing the truth about aging? vimpi replied. Often in India marriages are not just between two individuals rather between two families.
From what i have observed in abusive Indian marriages it is the extended family like MILS, SILS, BILS who intefere and cause so many problems for the couple. Finally the husbands self esteem is affected because he is not able keep his mom, sister, brother and his wife happy. So he begins to attempt to control his wife by striking her abusing her because he believes he lived in harmony with his mom sis and brother , father etc before this woman called wife came along. His family encourages him to believe that his wife is the root cause and that he as man should be able to control her and make her change.
Most often all the wife wants is for the husband to accept that now he married her his topmost priority should be the welfare of wife and kids.
It is this expectation that is not met and the whole cycle of abuse and fights begins.
The system is flawed in more ways than one. The most basic flaw as I have been repeatedly pointing out is that parents expect to live with their sons. This is why the male child is preferred over the female child in India. This is the root cause of so many evils in Indian society. If this tradition which is losing validity changes a lot of social problems in Indian society could be reduced. sudha replied. in my opinion, marriage in indian society is just for convenience. The man gets a free maid to attend to his needs and the woman needs the financial security that she gets in marriage. The man over a period of time thinks that this woman is a useless person as she is just a waste of money for him, more so if she does not work and earn good money for him. He never believes her when she is ill treated or abused by her in-laws. Woman just puts up with the marriage for financial reasons as she cannot live alone. Moreover, there are the kids who mean more responsibilities and she cannot shoulder them alone. So in this case, marriage is nothing but an arrangement to live life conveniently and love or affection is never the basis. I am not blaming men or women here. But this is how the arrangement of marriage is. So where is the question of working on improving marriage when the basis itself is not love or affection ?