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Womens Issues:help me friends!!!!
2007-03-30
Name: shubha



I don' t know where to start,i have a friend who happens to stay in the same apartment as i do.I don' t have kids and she has a daughter.We are in U.S.The thing is I am an introvert,inspite of my hubby' s constant warnings i always end up helping people with their problems and then it becomes a big headache.
Coming to the problem this friend of mine has a habit of making me babysit her kid for small things like she wants to take a bath,or when my friend wants to go to the restroom.Sometimes she asks me to babysit her kid even when she has to go out for any small grocery shopping and comes back home when her baby is very tired and its her naptime.Honestly I feel she is the babysitter while I take care of her more than her.Even when her in-laws were here she was always trying to keep her kid with me ,4 people in her house and i have to take care of their kid.She gives excuses like in-laws illtreatment etc,but it turns out be all lies.
Now she is going for higher studies I am sure she is going to ask me to take care of her baby when she studies,when she goes to college,basically everyday.I am dead tired with everyday chores and then looking after her baby.There is more to the story.
Just before she left to India I suggested that she look out for a childcare center.It was so plainly obvious that she got angry,she went and twisted her story to her husband,that evening when we went to their place her husband looked at me angrily,i know what she sid to her hubby that b' coz i am unable to have any kids I am removing my anger on her kid by refusing to babysit.
This is almost like m-i-l torture,only that my m-i-l never did that,instead its my friend.My hubby supports me.She has broken my trust,basically I feel so used.
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2007-04-05
#1
Anonymous Name: zubin
Subject:  mrfriend



Do you mean to say that she already knew that her friend was a trouble maker wow ,what is she Nostradamus or someone.You got to be kidding me.And shubha did not become a friend to babysit or cook food for her friend what stupid logic is this.Some people try to politely move away but i know of such people who still shamelessly keep harassing their timid friends for their own selfish needs .Mrfriend you got to be kidding me.Shubha you need to just say a Big No and show her where she stands.I did not know that for being a friend you have to first ask for their biodata,know if they are troublemakers and then become friends,and to become a good friend that you have to shoulder their responsibilities.
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2007-04-03
#2
Anonymous Name: mrfriend
Subject:  You have to be blamed..!



Only you have to be blamed for this episode..if you know that somebody is a trouble maker..you should have been careful and avoided being close..if not..you may have to suffer..no choice left..!
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2007-04-04
#3
Anonymous Name: aruna
Subject:  Hi radhika !!!



I agree to what you say.My mother used to be just like that all her friends and her in-laws used to torture my mother royally.I even had a friend like that in college who used to be taunted and made use of for just the sadistic pleasure some of us get during our college days.I stood by my friend that day.
Tell me something " mrfriend" if a girl who is properly well clothed is eve teased on the road whose fault is it the girls or the stupid romeos who are so perverted that they stoop to nothing,what about the ill treatment carried out by few in-laws that is also probably the d-i-l´ s fault and probably she asked for that too.
There are some sad and timid souls in this world who for some reason are trampled always such people are naive and they don´ t know what they get into till they are so deep in it.
Probably she hit one of your nerves ,do you identify with her friend by any chance.The reason why I am asking you this is whatever you said ,my friends used to say about my that poor friend her name was Sandhya.
I was just browsing by these posts when i saw ur comment it took me back to my college friends.
Very bad advise from your side.
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2007-04-03
#4
Anonymous Name: radhika
Subject:  Hi mrfriend!!!



Please tell me how do you know if a person is a troblemaker or not,either you have to have premonition,or you have to know the person for a really long time.
You know everyone of us in our lives have gone thru such problems with friends who show their true colours only after the initial good feeling the friendship wears out.
Some people try to cling on to one or two friends and sometimes it also has to do with their upbringing (as in overly protective parents).
How can you blame the victim for the evilness and cunnigness of the culprit " mrfriend" .
Most of us human beings at the beginning of every relationship hide our true colors.Its only later after knowing each others weaknesses that we try and make use of our friends or take them for granted.
If you cannot offer any valuable suggestion the least you can do is not bring down the person who is at her wits ends to help herself.I know of many friends who happen to be people pleaser and always try to do the right things,it happens.
But A mother who tries to avoid her responsibilities by dumping her kid on her friend ought to be nicely taught where she belongs and such things should be brought to light.
This is unjust on your part to blame shubha for some crooked friends mistakes.
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2007-03-30
#5
Anonymous Name: shubha
Subject:  Dear Adi and Friend!!!



Thanks for the support and encouragement you have given me. I will surely refuse her now.
Just that she would make me feel so guilty if I refused her anything.Like for instance she wanted to escape her so called\" evil m-i-l\" but I wanted to go for a walk i had promised my hubby that I would come and pick him up from office.And when I told her that I wouldn' t be able to meet her that evening b' coz of this plan ,she got angry and started sulking.
Oh there is one more thing for the 3 months b4 her in-laws came it became my responsibiltiy to cook for them lunch and dinner,and that was the only other time she would call regularly at 10:30 in the morning asking me so what r you doing today.She would talk in such a way and get herself invited for lunch by either coming home or bringing her baby excuse.
Anyways I just wanted to vent this and get it out of my system.
Thanks a lot for both your support.I am going to start standing for my self for once and probably for the first time in my life.Had gotten so used to being walked over i started feeling probably it was my fault that people do that.Thanks I will keep you guys updated ,once she returns as to what happens.Have a great day.
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2007-04-02
#6
Anonymous Name: mehak
Subject:  Better late than never



Hi Shubha,
Its amazing that you had put up with this kind of freeloaders for so long ! Get rid of her, she is insulting you for no fault of yours.Why do you want such selfish n nasty couple in your life.As for their baby, pray for the baby but refuse to babysit even if offered money.If you are interested then babysit for other people but not for this couple.I m happy to read that you have started to change your ways.Why hesitate ? Let them sulk.LEARN TO SAY NO.Derive support from ur hubby.
NEVER LET ANEONE TREAT YOU LIKE A DOORMAT.
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2007-03-30
#7
Anonymous Name: shubha
Subject:  Hi Adi!!!



I understand what you say ,I am aware of the fact that I get very much affected by what people will think of my actions.I also know that my mental frame does affect my hubby.He is unable to stand the fact that somebody is treating me like garbage right in front of him or mostly when he is not around,and it pains him to see me disturbed always.He wants me to stand up for myself too.The only reason I tolerated her was because I don´ t what to call my self a little nostalgic I mean i love dwelling on the good times and always expect it to be goody goody till it hits me hard in my face.
I don´ t like losing friends or for that matter any relationship.I don´ t know its weird even if someone whom i don´ t know ,if I see them packing and leaving for another city I feel so bad.I know its weird.
Anyways now its all in the past,I have started venturing out more on my own now and I never knew it would feel so good.I have also begun learning driving,coz I realised that it would make me more independent and also I wouldn´ t have to depend on my hubby for everything not that he minds,but for my sake I have begun making new beginnings.
Thanks for your insights though.
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2007-03-30
#8
Anonymous Name: Adi
Subject:  Good. That you are planning to take a stand...



I cant believe, you were tolerating her for so long- and cant really digest the fact that you treat her as friend!!! Friend is not who uses you and takes advantage of you. Well, now that you are going to stand for yourself, I have to tell you another thing-

Stop thinking what others will feel in turn of your actions. If you keep doing that, no-one else will get effected but you. This will raise your expectation level and once you don´ t get the same thing in return, you will feel bad and will mentally bother you. Think about it, if you bother yourself, your hubby will get bothered to, coz he is attached to you right? Why does he or anyone who loves you have to suffer coz of the same?

Very few people in the world remember what good things you did to them and trust me you cannot make everyone happy.

Sorry for taking it a step further. But I felt like telling you this coz I have been thru the same things before, and I have realized and come over it with time and experience.
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2007-03-30
#9
Anonymous Name: friend
Subject:  Similar thing Happen to me



Hi I was in your situation last year and truly understand your prob , you know what I Told my friend that At home I am alone so I am going to do babysit kids and this is my charges. and also told her that my husband was telling me atleast you will get xxxx amount for babysitting her daughter if no ones comes. She got my intention and I was free from that all problem.
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2007-03-30
#10
Anonymous Name: shubha
Subject:  Hi friend!!



Its nice to know that there are people who understand my problem.I was a little unsure about posting this message on this board.
I am so happy to get such good support from all you friends.It is kind of reassuring.Thanks for your suggestion too dear " friend" .I will surely keep that in mind.
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2007-03-30
#11
Anonymous Name: Friend
Subject:  Best of luck



Hi,

Shubha, a good friend is one who supports you and not the one who uses you or makes fun of you. You will hardly find people who will not hurt you.

Thats very much clear that the lady whom u call ur friend is using you. Don' t torture yourself by keeping any1 else' s kid. Also avoid doing social service atleast in US.

Don' t be scared of anybody else. Kick that lady and her husband out of your life or else charge on hourly basis to keep her child.

Also incase anybody looks at you angrily, you can pass a smile so that he can feel that you can mock others as well.

Its better to be lonely rather than having a friend like her.

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2007-03-30
#12
Anonymous Name: shubha
Subject:  Just to add



She only calls me when she needs me to babysit,otherwise living just one floor above her,she never used to come to visit me when I was sick or anything.
I stopped picking up her calls.She always has one or the other strategies up her sleeve.Anything I do or say like something i might have confided in her her she uses against me.
I love kids,i also love and adore her baby,my friend si darn lucky to have such a pretty ,obedient (even at 16 months) and the most sweetest little angel.
The best part is inspite of knowing my problem of not being able to conceive she used to keep mocking at me ,by asking me constantly about hey is ur cycle late maybe you are pregnant,she knew that I used to cry and also it would raise my hopes up.We were pretty good friends,till all this happened.I am fed up.I know i am never going to get one dependable friend.My other problem is I am a people pleaser.My hubby is very outspoken and if he gets angry he tells what is in his heart then and there.Now when I started putting my foot down they treat me like garbage.It feels like my own life is decided by somebody else.
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2007-03-30
#13
Anonymous Name: g
Subject:  I Agree...



I agree with the others....its very important to be able to say " No" ...if you wont be able to, then everyone whether its your own gamily / outsiders, whether knowingly or unknowingly will take advantage....

A poem I read goes sth like this...little long but worth reading:

When Angela was very young,
Age two or three or so,
Her mother and her father
Taught her never to say NO.

They taught her that she must agree
With everything they said,
And if she didn´ t, she was spanked
And sent upstairs to bed.

So Angela grew up to be
A most agreeable child
She was never angry
And she was never wild
She always shared, she always cared,
She never picked a fight,
And no matter what her parents said,
She thought that they were right.

Angela the Angel did very well in school
And, as you might imagine, she followed every rule
Her teachers said she was so well-bred,
So quiet and so good,
But how Angela felt inside
They never understood.

Angela had lots of friends
Who liked her for her smile
They knew she was the kind of girl
Who´ d go the extra mile
And even when she had a cold
And really needed rest,
When someone asked her if she´ d help
She always answered Yes

When Angela was thirty-three, she was a lawyer´ s wife.
She had a home and family, and a nice suburban life.
She had a little girl of four
And a little boy of nine,
And if someone asked her how she felt
She always answered, " Fine."

But one cold night near Christmas time
When her family was in bed,
She lay awake as awful thoughts went spinning through her head
She didn´ t know why, and she didn´ t know how,
But she wanted her life to end
So she begged Whoever put her here
To take her back again.

And then she heard, from deep inside,
A voice that was soft and low
It only said a single word
And the word it said was... NO.
From that moment on, Angela knew
Exactly what she had to do.

Her life depended on that word,
So this is what her loved ones heard:
NO, I just don´ t want to
NO, I don´ t agree
NO, that´ s yours to handle
NO, that´ s wrong for me
NO, I wanted something else
NO, that hurt a lot!
NO, I´ m tired, and NO, I´ m busy,
And NO, I´ d rather not!

Well, her family found it shocking,
Her friends reacted with surprise
But Angela was different, you could see it in her eyes
For they´ ve held no meek submission
Since that night three years ago

When Angela the Angel
Got permission to say NO.
Today Angela´ s a person first, then a mother and a wife.
She knows where she begins and ends,
She has a separate life.

She has talents and ambitions,
She has feelings, needs and goals.
She has money in the bank and
An opinion at the polls.

And to her boy and girl she says,
" It´ s nice when we agree
But if you can´ t say NO, you´ ll never grow
To be all you´ re meant to be.
Because I know I´ m sometimes wrong
And because I love you so,
You´ ll always be my angels
Even when you tell me NO
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2007-03-30
#14
Anonymous Name: Adi
Subject:  Good Luck



Hello Shubha!!

First of all- stand up for yourself. God help those who help themselves- you might have heard of this proverb, now you have to prove it for yourself. I understand that it in your nature to accept smilingly everything but anything beyond limits is not good. start saying " NO" . Why i am insisting on no is cause you have to become a firm believer that it you can say No to people. I used to be the same way as you, infact i still am, but after staying in hostelf for few years have changed a bit and i will say, for better.

People in walks of life would try to take advantage of you. It´ s you who have to decide how to make other treat you. and in a relationship it is a very simple thing - ´ Give´ n ´ take´ . So it stands true between friends too. The way you have xplained stuff, it appears she is just using u.

If I were you, these r the things i would do:
* Talk to her and tell her that even I have my list of priorities that i have to take care off. And because of babysitting, i am unable to attend to those. No offense meant, but it would be advisable if you look out for a good day care.

Now if she takes it defensively- stop feeling guilt at your end. It has to be this way. She needs to learn that everyone has a family and chores to take care off. (If i were you, i would also indirectly mention to pay me for babysitting your kid- not that i am materialistic person, but it will give me at least some sense of motivation in return- like getting independent).

*If she makes personal comments to you, just take it lightly. If you think that she is going overboard, just stop here politely. Tell her that - I don´ t like discussing these stuff as it is too personal.

Not taking calls, and all thos indirect ways are a good solution but not a permanent solution. A person should be made to realize where they are exceeding and going over the board. And now its in your hands how you tackle and say things to her.

Don´ t feel bad- such situations make us more strong and make us better humans. You being such a nice human, you will get plenty of friends. Just dont make yourself weak by feeling she is your only friend. Good luck and post back!
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