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Joint Family:divorce?

2001-09-07

Name: help I have a small child, I don't want to lose her but I don't feel that I can stay in my marriage any longer. I am getting depressed and I feel matters will only get worse. I live in New York City and I am looking for a divorce lawyer. I will fight to keep my daughter, I am not looking for anything else from my husband. Can anyone help?

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I have a small child, I don't want to lose her but I don't feel that I can stay in my marriage any longer. I am getting depressed and I feel matters will only get worse. I live in New York City and I am looking for a divorce lawyer. I will fight to keep my daughter, I am not looking for anything else from my husband. Can anyone help? Help replied. Hi everyone

Things are so much better, especially since my in-laws are not here to get between my husband and I. We have our occasional arguments but I argue back and things are settled.

Thank you all for your concern, things are looking much better now. I am just not looking forward to their next visit. Worried replied. Hello Help

Just to ask how you are doing and has there been any progress with your new approach to life! Hope things are good!

Lots of Luck to you! AV replied. Hi Friend
This is Av here. i was trying to get in touch with u since long. ANyway! glad to kow that your are fine now and doing better. The WTCtragedy was awful and i was concerned cos u had written that u reside in NY. Anyway God takes care of everything. So take care of yourself and your family and as suggested by your other friend take life in yes, a diferent perspective. It helps.

Take care & Be Good

Av
Worried replied. Hey Things happen as AV has suggested and many people go thru a lot to just stay together for the sake of the children! Listen, if you say that there are reasons that you cannot reconcile with because your inlaws and husband treated your parents in a certain way then I would suggest to you that you review your life very carefully and see whether that is the main reason that you have reached where you have! Most inlaws don't want their sons marriages to last for whatever reasons they have. But it is your bounden duty not to get caught in their trap and find solutions to work around these traps everytime. 8 years is not a short time for you to have figured out how thier minds work. Work with all these important inputs in mind and try and change your immediate surroundings and watch the changes in your life. It is true that you have been traumatised about the way that your parents have been treated but a sensible girl would have been someone who worked around these situations and mae life easier for herself than to look for a divorce which is not a solution now after your child! Even if you get custody of your girl today a few years later he can file for custody and then you are going to be on this roller coaster always.

Give me more news about whether you have been able to use this advice and made a change in your life!Nobody wants you to bear up to nonsense all your life but there are ways out which will help maintain your self respect also. Av replied. Hi Friend
I dont know what is the reason for you to go in for a divorce. It may be very grave. Maybe no one her eon the net may understand it. You know the best. But you say you have a small child. How old is the kid? See we are mature enough and can adjust ourselves to the situation around us, for whatever reasons. But imagine a kid without you, if he was to be with the father. He'd miss half his lifetime 's happiness. Same is applicable when the kid is with you. He hasnt done anyhting to deserve this. Secondly, above all, does your husband also feel so? have you spoken to him? if not take your time out. Speak to him . Even if its mutually agreed still i would suggest you rethink. If things are beyond solution finding. Then you speak to your lawyer.
Hope that situation doent arise.
I dont know if you believe. Even if you dont. Pray a little. It will work.
Best of LUck
AV

2001-10-19

Name: Help
Subject:

Thanks!

Hi everyone

Things are so much better, especially since my in-laws are not here to get between my husband and I. We have our occasional arguments but I argue back and things are settled.

Thank you all for your concern, things are looking much better now. I am just not looking forward to their next visit.

2001-10-18

Name: Worried
Subject:

Hi There!

Hello Help

Just to ask how you are doing and has there been any progress with your new approach to life! Hope things are good!

Lots of Luck to you!

2001-09-22

Name: AV
Subject:

Happy

Hi Friend
This is Av here. i was trying to get in touch with u since long. ANyway! glad to kow that your are fine now and doing better. The WTCtragedy was awful and i was concerned cos u had written that u reside in NY. Anyway God takes care of everything. So take care of yourself and your family and as suggested by your other friend take life in yes, a diferent perspective. It helps.

Take care & Be Good

Av

2001-09-11

Name: Worried
Subject:

Divorce?

Hey Things happen as AV has suggested and many people go thru a lot to just stay together for the sake of the children! Listen, if you say that there are reasons that you cannot reconcile with because your inlaws and husband treated your parents in a certain way then I would suggest to you that you review your life very carefully and see whether that is the main reason that you have reached where you have! Most inlaws don't want their sons marriages to last for whatever reasons they have. But it is your bounden duty not to get caught in their trap and find solutions to work around these traps everytime. 8 years is not a short time for you to have figured out how thier minds work. Work with all these important inputs in mind and try and change your immediate surroundings and watch the changes in your life. It is true that you have been traumatised about the way that your parents have been treated but a sensible girl would have been someone who worked around these situations and mae life easier for herself than to look for a divorce which is not a solution now after your child! Even if you get custody of your girl today a few years later he can file for custody and then you are going to be on this roller coaster always.

Give me more news about whether you have been able to use this advice and made a change in your life!Nobody wants you to bear up to nonsense all your life but there are ways out which will help maintain your self respect also.

2001-09-21

Name: Worried
Subject:

Wow

Dear Help

I am glad that you have seen the light so soona dnare able to stand up for your very being. I will definitely stay in touch with you and I would appreciate you letting me know what progress you have made in this matter.

I would be happy to help you rediscover the real you. All the Best.

2001-09-19

Name: help
Subject:

Thank you

Thank you worried. I appreciate all your help and advice. It is really nice having someone to talk to about this without being judged and someone who understands.

Things are getting better especially after the attack on the WTC in NY I believe my husband and I have learned to appreciate life more and eachother.

I continue to get stronger and I know a lot of it is becuase of the advice I have received here and reading the other messages on the site. It helps me to realize how unfairly we are being treated and we all need to stand up for ourselves or have only ourself to blame in the end. I refuse to take the blame and I am ready to defend myself and my parents if need be.

Stay in touch please.

2001-09-19

Name: Worried
Subject:

I feel for you!

Dear Help,

I can imagine how you feel about being depressed all the time and not smiling and being cheerful anymore but at the point at which you are standing at it is natural for you to feel that way. I am glad to know that you have changed your attitude towards life already and I would be glad to help talk with you on this message board and help as and when you need help!

But before end I would urge you to stop feeling depressed and look at life differently.....Let me put it this way.....There is so much in life that we take for granted that we tend to forget that life in itself is so precious and we don't know what is going to happen in the next moment.....There is terror all around us and disease and ill health and so on to counter in our everyday lives. Just for this you decide everyday on waking up that today you are going to wipe out all negative thoughts from your mind and be HAPPY for the day.....So what if your husband is being a bit of a cranky man you have your daughter to play with and make your lfe happier......Yes it means that you are going to be living two lives but I assure you that these same happy feelings that you would have generated within you over the day will emanate into your house and when your husband returns from work to him as well and you will find the change automatically in your life as well!

Try it I am sure it will work! Tell me about it too!

2001-09-18

Name: Help
Subject:

absolutely correct

Dear worried - you are so right, my parents have taken the blame for the wrong things as I have just to keep the piece. But after all that is the Indian mentality in us and unfortunatley the situation I am in. My in-laws and husband have figured this out and take advantage of the situation. I have told my parents not to be concerned about me anymore that I can take care of myself and they can say and do as they please. I am tired of my in-laws doing this and my husband so I have started talking back without thinking twice about how this will affect my marriage.

I thought the same as you...that my husband is looking for me to call the shots on the divorce issue and I am not going to do it. Let him make that decision but I refuse to be stepped on now. We don't fight as much now that my in-laws have returned home. They come to visit and we go to visit them every year. They live with us for quite some time and of course my MIL feels she must take over and manage our lives.

I have let my MIl know who is the boss in the house but then she goes and tells my husband and he gets upset with me and we get into a fight. I don't say anything wrong to her but she wants things placed her way in the kitchen (since she does the cooking when she is hear on most days) but then what about when she leaves. I don't think she will appreciate it if I go and do that in her kitchen. She want's to decorate our house with her taste and I told her flat out that I want to pick out the furniture and decorations myself. She has issues with everything I do including the way I raise my child.

I am getting stronger but there are moments when I just can't take it anymore. It isn't in my nature to be so cruel but I have become that way because I have been forced to. I am not the happiest person anymore, I don't smile or laugh as much anymore. It really is depressing.

2001-09-15

Name: Worried
Subject:

Why?

The problem with you is that you and your parents have taken the wrong blame for the wrong things.....Correct me if I am wrong.....just to keep the peace going in your home! This has made your husband think that his parents and he are supreme! I know it is irritating to see your husband keep silent and not be a friend to you but you have to teach him a thing or two!

By doing what he is he is pushing you to your limits to make you crack up and ask for a divorce and so you become the bad person and he does not take the onus of having thrown you out of the house! I would urge you to stay on and in your own manner let him know that you are going to share your home and life and baby and everything with him for better or for worse! I know its not easy and you've probably done it for the last 8 years but you have probably gone wrong somewhere or the other which he has caught on to and is now using it against you!

Do your inlaws stay with you? If yes then very diplomatically let them know who is the boss - But for this you are going to have to assert yourself! If they don't then half your problem is solved and it will be much more easy to mould your husband the way you want him to! I would need more info if you think it worth your while to let me know your eact situation in life so I can advice you like wise..... I am only guessing just now and am not sure which way I am headed!

Hope I can help!

2001-09-13

#10

Name: Help
Subject:

not getting any better!

Hi Worried and AV -

You are right, 8 years is not a long time for me to have realized this but I have been trying for the 8 years to make things work, taking a lot of blame and requesting my parents to take a lot of the blame and still supporting my husband and in-laws but they don't believe that. I have tried hard because I want this marriage to work for the sake of my child .

I don't know what is going on but for the past few weeks he has been very distant, very angry and very quiet. There have been moments here and there where he may smile at me but it must be all of 2 times and only once has he told me that he loves me. We don't have any laughter between us, he doesnt' seem happy at all and everytime I talk to him about anything he will speak to me in a very rude manner. It is as though I am garbage and he treat me this way. I get so mad that I totally ignore him and tell him that I don't want him treating me like this. I have done by "bouden duty" and I have taken insults after insults.

I have changed my image, my personality, my likes and dislikes and relationships with friends and family all to make my husband and in-laws happy but they still appreciate it. How much more am I supposed to change in my life?

I want my self respect back, I want my husband to respect me, my feelings, my family and put me and our child first!

2001-09-10

#11

Name: Av
Subject:

Concerned

Hi Friend
I dont know what is the reason for you to go in for a divorce. It may be very grave. Maybe no one her eon the net may understand it. You know the best. But you say you have a small child. How old is the kid? See we are mature enough and can adjust ourselves to the situation around us, for whatever reasons. But imagine a kid without you, if he was to be with the father. He'd miss half his lifetime 's happiness. Same is applicable when the kid is with you. He hasnt done anyhting to deserve this. Secondly, above all, does your husband also feel so? have you spoken to him? if not take your time out. Speak to him . Even if its mutually agreed still i would suggest you rethink. If things are beyond solution finding. Then you speak to your lawyer.
Hope that situation doent arise.
I dont know if you believe. Even if you dont. Pray a little. It will work.
Best of LUck
AV

2001-09-11

#12

Name: AV
Subject:

Be a little more patient

Read about your trauma. I can understand how difficult it is to undergo all this. Tell you the truth i have gone thru this too. The only major difference in my case is that my husband understands m & thats why we're still together after 7 years. See girl its 8 years since you have been in this rut. Tell me is it moe than a considerable time for you to decide in for a divorce. Something you may not believe and wouldnt either want to . My sister-in-law (husband elder cousins wife)is married for more than 15 years, mind you 20 years, and still she had hope that her marrriage will work out & you know why, because she has two sons. Her sons are equally hopeless. They treat her like dirt. because their grandparents have put all rubbish in their minds. But still she tolerated. Even she was on the verge of a divorce. She even took them to the court, but thing changed and as her MIL is now bedridden and my BIL has begun to understand her. (after full 18 years)See i am not telling you to follow her footsteps but you see your husband is getting crushed between you and his parents. And some of these guys are mama's boys. they cant hurt their parents whatever it is. But you see these inlaws are just temporary hurdles in our lives. They cant see your marriage build up. You know even my sil's mil wanted the marriage to break. Its not all that easy. Your daughter is only 2 now. Even if you both fight she may / may not get disturbed but if you separate now she may not know the reality and as girls usually do, they blame the mother. They are always for the father. This is true in most of the cases. Then how are you going to handle her. Do you think all your life you are going to carry on with all this? No way. Think about it. What your inlaws have been doing is totally worng. But you be firm. Under no circumstances are you leaving the kid with them. In fact i advice you be firm on your marriage. Tell your husband also that under no circumstance you would let him go. He has to face the brunt of these circumstances. marriage is a see-saw. If there are ups there have to be downs. We dont break it mid way. OK. Now take care and be in touch.

2001-09-11

#13

Name: AV
Subject:

Be a little more patient

2001-09-10

#14

Name: help
Subject:

don't really know...

Av - thank you for your advice. I didn't want a divorce ever but many things have happened over the past 8 years of our marriage between our families and us and I have taken it all even to the point of my parents begging for forgiveness for something they didn't do to my in-laws and husband and my own mom begging on her knees to my husband. I still took that insult and after that my marriage has become even worse because I just can not seem to get the picture out of my head. My husband is a great father and I would never deprive him or my child of spending time with eachother but I want custody becuase I know if he gets it, my in-laws will take her to India and raise her there and I will never see her. My husband will let them because I don't believe he would be able to handle all the responsibilities of raising our daughter. So far I have been doing it all with very little help from him because of his job and also becuase I enjoy doing it. Our child is my life and I wouldn't deprive either of them of spending time but I do know that he would never think of that and his parents would convince him of sending my our child to them to raise. They are already determined and insisted several times. My daughter is 2 years old, how can they expect to separate our child from us!!

My husband at one time say it may be better for us to separate because he could not take this. A few other times he has hinted. I don't know what to make of this situation now. I don't want a divorce but I also don't want my child to be brought up in a loveless home with parents who constantly fight. That isn't fair to her.

What do you adive?

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