Hi! iam happily married and staying abroad. My husband’s brother is also staying with us who got married last year. Now his wife is also come to stay with us. Previously everything was going on very smoothly, problem started as soon as this co sister landed. She is of peculiar nature, sometimes she is very moody, not at all social. Soemtimes she will not talk for weeks. Iam very free and frank, I mostly try to share thoughts, jokes with her. But she ignores me often, Iam working and she is housewife. Academically she is very backward as she didn't even complete her 10th. Inspite of her attitude to me, i used to help her and give advise regarding studies and even used to help her studying windows packages. But she is very cunning, sirf matlab ke liye maska lagatee hai.She does the major cooking as she is staying at home. I have got 10 months old daughter and after work I am engaged with my daughter. We have kept a maid to look after my daughter. This co sister tries to overrule me. She tries to dominate me in the kitchen, she prepares food according to her wish, if I prepare anything extra she will complain. The sad thing is that my husband’s brother was very friendly and understanding before marriage, but now he makes blind eye on her behavior. He is just bothered about pleasing her. This kind of attitude is spoiling our pleasant atmosphere at home.My husband is aware of all these, but is quite as he doesn't want to fight with his brother. I have mentioned this to my other sisiter in law in India, as she is very supportive and asked her not to tell anyone as this will simply create problems. Please advise,how should i cope.
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Hi! iam happily married and staying abroad. My husband’s brother is also staying with us who got married last year. Now his wife is also come to stay with us. Previously everything was going on very smoothly, problem started as soon as this co sister landed. She is of peculiar nature, sometimes she is very moody, not at all social. Soemtimes she will not talk for weeks. Iam very free and frank, I mostly try to share thoughts, jokes with her. But she ignores me often, Iam working and she is housewife. Academically she is very backward as she didn't even complete her 10th. Inspite of her attitude to me, i used to help her and give advise regarding studies and even used to help her studying windows packages. But she is very cunning, sirf matlab ke liye maska lagatee hai.She does the major cooking as she is staying at home. I have got 10 months old daughter and after work I am engaged with my daughter. We have kept a maid to look after my daughter. This co sister tries to overrule me. She tries to dominate me in the kitchen, she prepares food according to her wish, if I prepare anything extra she will complain. The sad thing is that my husband’s brother was very friendly and understanding before marriage, but now he makes blind eye on her behavior. He is just bothered about pleasing her. This kind of attitude is spoiling our pleasant atmosphere at home.My husband is aware of all these, but is quite as he doesn't want to fight with his brother. I have mentioned this to my other sisiter in law in India, as she is very supportive and asked her not to tell anyone as this will simply create problems. Please advise,how should i cope.
friend replied. Hi Shaan,
I truly understand what you r going thru. But some things just won't change,if ignored. Try some of these if interested.
1. Drop hints or for example if it is the TV issue, YOU sit with the remote and start flipping it and ask your husband to correct you or advise you about it. Then look at your co-sister and tell her that both of you should stop this habit,since there are other people also living with you all. Say that in a nice casual way. She shouldn't sense that you are doing this on purpose. But see that she gets this message. Do it when her husband is around.
2. Try this one. I know this is too lame. Tell your husband to talk to your daughter in a little loud tone(not screaming or being stern or scolding). Then YOU tell your husband not to talk her in that tone henceforth because your daughter is sensitive and this could damage her personality. Both of you apologise to your daughter,hold and cuddle her and tell her that you will never talk to her in that tone. Hopefully your co-sis will get the message.
Finally after trying for a month or two,if your co-sis still doesnot act in a civilised way,then it is time for you and your husband to sit down along with your BIL and talk to him about finding a place for themselves. Tell him flatly that he should move out of your place since you all need your own privacy,independence and most of all peace of mind. Tell him it is for the best in everybody's interest.
Hope this helps.
friend replied. Hey Shaan,
I guess you need to use a lot of tact when you deal with this situation. For one you being more educated,why don't you confront her in a loving and tactful way and ask your co-sister about what's bothering her so much. She must be feeling inferior amongst all you educated, working people!!! First of all make her feel comfortable in your house. Afterall she is new in YOUR house or FAMILY. Involve her more in what you do. Make her feel that she is equally important to YOU. I am sure she'll come around and you guys can be best friends,helping eachother in good and bad times.
Life is really short. You don't know what's going to happen the next minute. There will be a day in your life when you'll look back and wonder if all this animosity was worth it. Ignoring someone won't change anything. It will only widen the gap. Instead find out NOW what can be done to make the situation harmonious. After all she is a woman too. Though she has not completed her schooling or whatever, i definately think she has some good or better quality or even a skill that you may not have.
I know you may feel offeneded by what I have written. But I justwant to be fair here and give my opinion.
Thanks and all the best
Archie replied. Dear Shaan,
As said by Rohini, do not depend on her for cooking aspect, I am with her.
About your Co-sister dominating:
If you live in USA then she will find it difficult to deal with people if she is not even 10th grade completed student.
She is new and not exposed to different cultural environment or reading as you are, you are highly qualified.
She might therefore feel comfortable with cooking and domestic matter.
May be she was given lot of importance before marriage and she is missing that and she find only cooking or kitchen is a area where she can gain her point.
With little understanding and givins some credit to her (which is difficult to do so for no reason) would help a lot.
If you work and she is at home you two could devide work and get relief from this bothering concern.
Hope I am not offending.
Archie
Rohini replied. Hi,
I got married last year and had to stay at my BIL's place for a month but later on we moved apart bcoz of my hubby's job.So u see I was in situation similar to ur co-sis, only my bil's wife was not working then and I happen to be highly qualified.See Shaan, sice u r employed u actually might be getting a lot of help from her as far as cooking is concerned.But the fact that she objects ur ideas regarding cooking is totally objectionable.Its ur house and u should be the one making all such decisions.So be assertive and see to it that u do not have to completely depend on her for cooking or for any other purposes.Moreover \";Familiarity breeds contempt\";....so it will be in ur as well as ur BIL's interest that ur BIL finds a place of his own to live....
At the same time I would also like to tell u that may be ur co-sis wants to get some sort of importance in the house and so she tries to dominate the kitchen just to assert her importance in the family coz that is the only way she can get some.Think abt it ,talk to ur hubby and try to find a way out.All the best!
2004-05-13
#1
Name: friend Subject: Try this
Hi Shaan,
I truly understand what you r going thru. But some things just won't change,if ignored. Try some of these if interested.
1. Drop hints or for example if it is the TV issue, YOU sit with the remote and start flipping it and ask your husband to correct you or advise you about it. Then look at your co-sister and tell her that both of you should stop this habit,since there are other people also living with you all. Say that in a nice casual way. She shouldn't sense that you are doing this on purpose. But see that she gets this message. Do it when her husband is around.
2. Try this one. I know this is too lame. Tell your husband to talk to your daughter in a little loud tone(not screaming or being stern or scolding). Then YOU tell your husband not to talk her in that tone henceforth because your daughter is sensitive and this could damage her personality. Both of you apologise to your daughter,hold and cuddle her and tell her that you will never talk to her in that tone. Hopefully your co-sis will get the message.
Finally after trying for a month or two,if your co-sis still doesnot act in a civilised way,then it is time for you and your husband to sit down along with your BIL and talk to him about finding a place for themselves. Tell him flatly that he should move out of your place since you all need your own privacy,independence and most of all peace of mind. Tell him it is for the best in everybody's interest.
Hope this helps.
2005-01-12
#2
Name: unhappy Subject: worried and tensed
I read your reply, liked your approach and i want to know if you can help me out in my problems
I have a no. of problems in my life
1. Finance-my hubby takes care of all the household expenses whereas his two brothers do not do much. I'm burdened with the major expenses that come as a surprise to me always. Also I'm the one who does the savings for my baby's future whereas my hubby spends for the house till the last rupee.
2. WE had a cook till last month whom i used to pay. But never is anything cooked as per my wish. I'm only asked about what to cook and any dish i mention is disliked by someone or the other.
3. Each one in the family and also the relaitves keep on interefering with the way i take care of my baby.On weekends there are always ppl visitng us for no reason and i get tired of them.
4. In 3 yrs of my marriage i have never seen a single program on TV for even a stretch of 1/2 hr. There is always someone to grab the remote.
5. I have to report in detail to my hubby or even to my MIL about where i want to go and why in all detail.EVen to visit my granny i have to plan in advance and keep them informed.
6. My parents stay in a differnt city. If i call them up i have to speak in front of everyone. firstly i have to justify to my hubby as to why i want to make the call.
7. My hubby often shouts / condemns on what i say. He loses his temper quickly and has also called me uncultured, immature and so on in front of his parents but has become alright the very next moment.
I'm well educated and doing very well on the career front and am supporting my hubby very strongly on the financial front. The problem is I cry and give away quickly. I've become over sensitive and emotional.I lose control on myself when someone shouts at me and i feel like fainiting. Now since i'm tied up between home and work i lose my patience quickly. I was a best friend , an idol to many and an allrounder before marriage, never have i wept when i was in my mommy's place.My paretns were my best pals. I shre a deep bond with my sister who is quite young to me. Now i feel everything has changed. Now my hubby remarks in such a way that i 'm bound to think whether i'm so bad.To him i'm always selfish , self centred lonely individual who cannot think about anyone.
SOmebody pls help me out..before i drown myself inthis situation and it starts affecting my 8 month old.
2004-05-14
#3
Name: shaan Subject: Good idea
Thanks yaar,
I will try your technic and soon will let u know the result.
2004-05-12
#4
Name: friend Subject: Try to use tact!!!!
Hey Shaan,
I guess you need to use a lot of tact when you deal with this situation. For one you being more educated,why don't you confront her in a loving and tactful way and ask your co-sister about what's bothering her so much. She must be feeling inferior amongst all you educated, working people!!! First of all make her feel comfortable in your house. Afterall she is new in YOUR house or FAMILY. Involve her more in what you do. Make her feel that she is equally important to YOU. I am sure she'll come around and you guys can be best friends,helping eachother in good and bad times.
Life is really short. You don't know what's going to happen the next minute. There will be a day in your life when you'll look back and wonder if all this animosity was worth it. Ignoring someone won't change anything. It will only widen the gap. Instead find out NOW what can be done to make the situation harmonious. After all she is a woman too. Though she has not completed her schooling or whatever, i definately think she has some good or better quality or even a skill that you may not have.
I know you may feel offeneded by what I have written. But I justwant to be fair here and give my opinion.
Thanks and all the best
2004-05-14
#5
Name: shaan Subject: Good Idea
Thanks yaar,
I'll try your technic and let u know the result soon.
2004-05-12
#6
Name: Shaan Subject: Thanks
Dear friend thanks for your advise. I had done all type of adjustments in the begining as you advised. But at the end of the day the result is the same. Inspite of her attitute i used to even help her with computers. She is of peculair nature. While we all are watching TV, she will keep the remote with her and will change channels as per her choice not even bothered to ask anyone, my husband is the eldest, at least she should respect him. Her husband has become a real henpeched one and keeps mum on her behaviour. She is really disgusting. My daughter is 10 months old even to her she will not say in a nice tone, always shouting at her. GOD only knows how she will look after her own kids.Waiting for your response.
2004-05-11
#7
Name: Archie Subject: partly with Rohini
Dear Shaan,
As said by Rohini, do not depend on her for cooking aspect, I am with her.
About your Co-sister dominating:
If you live in USA then she will find it difficult to deal with people if she is not even 10th grade completed student.
She is new and not exposed to different cultural environment or reading as you are, you are highly qualified.
She might therefore feel comfortable with cooking and domestic matter.
May be she was given lot of importance before marriage and she is missing that and she find only cooking or kitchen is a area where she can gain her point.
With little understanding and givins some credit to her (which is difficult to do so for no reason) would help a lot.
If you work and she is at home you two could devide work and get relief from this bothering concern.
Hope I am not offending.
Archie
2004-05-12
#8
Name: Archie Subject: Why to wait!
Dear Shaan,
You may be correct with inference and then why to wait on taking action on it? Just go ahead and be formal.
What's important is you are polite and do not hurt directly anyone.
At the same time you are also happy with what you do and not getting hurt.
As long as your husband is supportive you have to look at this positive and bright side.
Last but not least you are more smart to handle this situation without getting emotionally involved. Good!
Take Care
Archie
2004-05-12
#9
Name: Shaan Subject: Family problems
Thanks Archie.
Now i no more depend on her, i mind my own business. I never bother to be-friend her if she ignores me, when she speaks then only i respond. The only sad thing is that my Brother-in-law who was so friendly and caring before gives blindeye on her behaviour. He is least bothered to correct her, but only finding ways to please her. I had always considered him as my own brother, and now he is behaving like this makes me sad. One inference i have made after this incident that" apna apna hota hai aur paraya paraya" here the real blood relation counts. Moreover some guys change drastically after marriage. The saying " for a mother to make her son mature it takes a long 25 years but a wife will make him mature within 25 seconds" is appropriate in case of my BIL.
2004-05-10
#10
Name: Rohini Subject: hope this helps...
Hi,
I got married last year and had to stay at my BIL's place for a month but later on we moved apart bcoz of my hubby's job.So u see I was in situation similar to ur co-sis, only my bil's wife was not working then and I happen to be highly qualified.See Shaan, sice u r employed u actually might be getting a lot of help from her as far as cooking is concerned.But the fact that she objects ur ideas regarding cooking is totally objectionable.Its ur house and u should be the one making all such decisions.So be assertive and see to it that u do not have to completely depend on her for cooking or for any other purposes.Moreover \";Familiarity breeds contempt\";....so it will be in ur as well as ur BIL's interest that ur BIL finds a place of his own to live....
At the same time I would also like to tell u that may be ur co-sis wants to get some sort of importance in the house and so she tries to dominate the kitchen just to assert her importance in the family coz that is the only way she can get some.Think abt it ,talk to ur hubby and try to find a way out.All the best!
2004-05-10
#11
Name: Shaan Subject: Family problems
Thanks rohini.
My hubby also advised me the same. Not to depend on her, let her mind her own business and you mind yours. He said that even though she does the major cooking, you can prepare whatever is of your interest and i am following the same. Breakfast, snacks and other household cleaning i am doing as usual.
Thanks a lot for your precious advise.
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Good idea
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