Relationships  Discussion Forum

Continuation: My husband was questioned by his family and mine about hitting me. He said i pulled his hand, he just pushed me away and i made a big deal out of nothing. When i asked him why he didn' t have the courage to accept the truth, he says love is more important than truth. If i continue loving his abusive sister and parents then they will automatically change over years?!! Then i told him since he talked bad about me to my relatives just because i exposed the negative side of his family - since he made up stories and didn' t stand by truth i lost trust in him which is important for married life. Then what? Falling at my feet again and again. After 2 days he asked me to apologize to his parents and sister telling that he didn' t beat me and i blew out things and brought bad names to them. I refused. He said he will beat me and tell others that it was me who bet him. I ran out of the house with my kid and told my american friend who was standing outside. She is now checking everyday to see how me and my kid are doing. He didn' t dare to come near me after that.

It is heartbreaking to see how a man, a Ph.D. holder can be so stupidly in love with his mother and sister to talk false stories about his own wife and then to beat her. This very man was so loving to me for the past 6 months during my pregnancy. I was so happy to notice his positive change. These two jealous females (mil and sil) are continuously abusing me and my family to him. The worst part is he lost his balance again and he is dancing to their tune!

My sister and bil back in india questioned his parents. What more can we expect from them? Abuses and accusitions against me!! Thankless people. You know last time when they visited me, i used to take them for walking, took good care of them during our pleasure trips, massaged their feet whenever needed, taught them computers and emailing, did complete cooking and cleaning!! My fil is a retired professor, a Ph.D. holder himself! What is the use of education when it didn' t lead to wisdom? What family are they leading when they can' t stand by truth? What respect can they expect, when they can' t control their own children and abuse me instead? What is the use with aging when they didn' t gain maturity yet and are still so much after money.
I don' t mind about my immigration status. I can come to this same country on my own. Let them realize what they have done to their own son, in the process of taking revenge on me.
I know they cannot get another lady like me as their bahu! To them i am a golden egg laying goose! I want them to treat me not as a goose but as a HUMAN. Whatever they have done within four walls, let them come out, accept everything and assure me and my kid a happy and respectful life!
It is so hurtful and bitter. My blood is boiling. I have taken the step to reach God, that is, establishing rightful acts in my family. I am sure HE will help me. dddd replied. you are a brave woman. Oh dont worry about their comment on your conduct. Even my husband did the same. Only with some people i know before marriage. they are my friends as we grew up together thats it. nothing else. your husband had no snswer becoz he knew it wasnt true.See the main intention of husbands is when they are at fault they somehow show it as the wife' s fault. My husband told after his arrest that i used to provoke him to hit me. But to his friends he told he made a mistake.
And one more thing i think it is not a good idea to tell your neighbour your husband is controlling his abuse. you never know when u might need some intervention. friends will help if you ask.Take care of your baby and you. Dont worry how long can he eat out.Sooner or later he will want home food. Somedays my husband says oh i dont feel like eating then i say ok and dont force him. But after an hr he asks is lunch or dinner there for him. I have become little tuff towards him.my marriage is hanging on a thin line. i will not be sad if it ends.I am in process of enrolling for MS this fall and taking up a job.let it go if your husband doesnt eat. he can eat out 10 days 30 days after that its home food he needs.and no point blaming sil or husband.same in my case. if i leave my husband they will not suffer of change their life. But my husband will suffer.SAme in your case. tomorrow if u take a break from your marriage your sil,mil wont change their marriage of life for your husband. They will live their lives.i grill that into my husbands head everyday.after some time you can also give subtle hints to your hubby about it when situation improves.you can call me selfish but i just wish one day my sil or her daughter goes thru the same pain they put me thru.they practice black magic on anybody they dont like. let it be their own son or dil.thats another issue altogether.i maybe educated but seeing it effects i started believing its true.
be strong in front of your hubby take care of your baby and have some outings with her alone. it will relieve u of stress in this situation.We can do something about any situation if we are strong willed and motivated to take action. if not we will be painfully
going thru with it.
And one more thing if your in laws plan to come here please say no. when my husband was arrested my fil wanted to visit i firmly told him no. this is the issue we husband and wife need to resolve not him not my mil or sil.they will worsen the situation. See if we couple have a fight our parents will say try to adjust to his likes and reduce fights if in laws they will say dont take crap from her and tell her firmly what you want.thats the difference.best of luck. post back and take care of you and the baby. Be tuff. remember this mantra all will fall in place. dddd replied. Sumathi i am really sorry i didnt see your last mail. After readin both of your posts i had a sense of Deja vu. I was you last year. I took legal action and i am not sorry i did. Its a classic case of abusers all the time accusing the person they abuse they are wrong. I am a professional grad not software though. I have been a confident and quite smart in academics and have very few good friends who are always there for me.I am also a distinction holder in my professional undergrad. Why i am mentioning this is although being all this my husband abused me physically and emotionally constantly for 3 yrs becoz of some stupid assumptions he had.And excuse me he is a MS and rank holder in national professional masters entrance
in india. When i approached my in laws wwhen he physically abused me first. Oh tthey gave reasons like oh dont tell it ccops his life will be ruined.But they ffailed to advice their son not to be abusive.WHY becoz they are jealous my husband is in US and their darling daugher is in India. SHe shud succeed in everything and everybody else shud be losers eyeing her enormous acheivements.Anyway for 3 yrs i was bearing all this. I was so excited when igot married as i was trying to further my career doing MS and trying for a good job. i cudnt do all this with my husband' s constant abuse. when i decided i have to teach him a lesson i took a legal step and i not sorry. My in laws accused me that i am brought up to be aggressive and cud have solved this with patience. so i told them tell yyour son in law to do it to your daughter and then tell her to be patient. my husband still abuses me emotionally but i have learnt to live with it for the time being as i have long term plusses by staying in the relationship.my husband doesnt abuse me physically now.
And to tell you a similarity my FIL is a professional graduate and travelled all over the world.but talks like he lives in 12 th century.
Now stating this was to give you a idea what it is during abuse and after the stern step.Dont worry first your kid and your safety is important. SO your SIL shed some tears big deal.See when it comes to their sisters they shdnt suffer. My husband is the same. But after giving back to him when his sister called i told her i dont care for her opinion and neither shud my husband and she shud mind her own business.
now you need to be confident and take some legal action. Being patient in this case wont help. I know becoz i have done it and didnt help.
After all this my in laws wudnt mind 2 min in advicing my husband to divorce me and maybe he wud have but i am from a well to do family and my in laws cant believe their son is married into so much wealth.So seeing the financial gain they had to request me to keep the marriage. Its on a thin line still and i have my parents support in whatever i decide.
Dont overdo any service to in laws i dont do it as it gives them room to want more.
The main situation here is your husband once he will be punished for what he is doing in laws will back off. My in laws dare not speak to me rudely neither to my parents.they know they will get it.Inspite of all this happening my FIl hhad the nerve to suggest to my dad to repay all the loans my husband has. for which i didnt contribute any thing . if was all before my wedding.
Next time he comes near you to hit you please complain. When i did i didnt have a dollar with me neither i have a bank a/c. My husband doesnt have a joint a/c with me.My in laws are happy with that.but for the money i get from my parents he wants it in joint a/c. I refused outright.afterlast year dose he is not abusive physically and i am relieved for the time being.
See mil and Sil are not worth sacrificing your peace of mind or getting abused too. I remember all the tears i shed.My husband got anger management classes . i didnt even get that. So my therapy is scream at him when i get angry.he doesnt respond although wont accept his fault verbally he realizes it.you cant lie to your conscience.ANd do not apologize for something you havent done.now your family knows so they will support you.the only thing is next time this happens you need to take legal action.dont fall for that abuse and then apologizing .Once they know they can get away with that then the abuse will be more and apology will be short. With all the abuse i bore for 3 yrs i developed vertigo and breathlessness when i am stressed and if i get vertigo or breathless it means my body is signalling to me i am in stress.It is not worth it.DO something while you can and you will be glad you did. Post back your thoughts.take care. sumathi replied. Thanks sakhi for your words!
My husband is not ready for counselling. Like a parrot he keeps telling the same thing - definition of what a good bahu is! My sister and her husband gave good replies to all my in-laws charges against me that they have to finally agree that they too have some mistakes. My mil called me over phone and left a message - guess what - dear, how is the baby doing? i want to talk to you? No discussions in private will work with me now. I am leaving with my baby to my relative' s house. If they want let them all come there (my in-laws have planned to visit us even otherwise!), talk it out and give me assurance for a better life. sakhi replied. Sumathi,

The best thing you did was to let your neighbor/friend be aware of your situation. I bet he will hesitate to raise his hand again. If the neighbor ever calls 911 he will be finished.
He and his family may still continue verbal abuse but remember even that is a crime in this country so they better watch out.
Your husband probably needs counseling but men like that will never agree to counseling especially if he comes from a family that you describe.
What is your parents perspective on the situation?
I am very happy that you have confidence to support yourself. Please see a marriage counselor(Indian or American) if possible. They might be able to help you too.