Relationships  Discussion Forum

I have been seeing too many posts on the subject on this site over a long period of time in a sustained manner. I am a male and NOT in the US. So will not be able to look at the problem from from Vimpi or Ritika' s angles of residential status, but I still wish to put my thoughts down on the issue.

Love in a marriage can not be got by demand, but violence in a marriage is a strict NO. We all know that the social security and the police system in the US is far different (more effective and sensitive) than it is in India but still the young Indian wives seem to suffer the same fate as far as domestic violence is concerned here in India as well as there in US!

So the cause possibly lies in OURSELVES, our sense of false social prestige our bring up and value attached to marriage. And also possibly the huge amount of money spent by the parents in marrying a daughter to an US SIL! So our poor women struggle/strive to save all those including parents money! And in the process end up being abused.

So the begining of the solution lies in looking at a marriage as a native of US would look at, without over valueing any of those I mentioned above.

Every abused indian wife in the US is aware of 911 but how many of them have actually ever called the number for such purposes?

And the pity is every guy who works in the US and imports a wife more often chosen by their parents in exchange of huge dowry, is aware of these weaknesses of the poor girl.

Its unfortunate that this happens irrespective of the education and ability to work and earn money and even the residential status! And this proves that the cause of it lies somewhere else! Possibly in the b l o o d y indian culture.

Few more associated possibilities are:

The guy knows but for him marrying his wife, she would have never made it to that country, let alone getting a H1, working or a GC.

Quite likely that the guy would have bombed his won heart and declined to marry his college days sweet heart for the dowry his parents wanted because they too spent huge money to send the son to US, so that money need be got back!

What I have said above need not all happen in a single case, but a combination of them to varrying degree in different cases.

So in clonclusion I am not sure where the solution lies, but the abused Indian(american) wife surely needs to stand up against abuse and violence both physical and emotional by the husband as well as ILs and if the expensive marriage can sustain this \" standing up\" fine, stay and enjoy your life or else let the divorce rate increase and a generation of suffering teach a lesson to those parents who are still head over heels in getting a US Jamai. Ramesh replied. I also agree with you Kumar. There are lot of girls & parents who would like USA to be linked to thier family. I dont know, what they get out of it. I know, even such class of parents who have got thier daughter those guys who were not even a good attitude persons even during the engagement period also. I dont understand, what they get out of name of US or any other link to US and if they wanna get it, instead of going by marriage route it wud be rather better to go ahead individually finding a job becoz marrying majorly for green card can be more worst that going alone & working for GC. Ritika replied. What do you mean when you say its not true? What' s not true?

The fact that doemstic violence against women is so prevelant?

or the fact that women who leave their countries and families to come to the US with their husbands are in a vulnerable position (because of their visa status and family pressure)?

Incidentally, (1) how do you know its yr sis-in-laws posts that you have read? (2) what did your sis-in -law fight about? That she should not have?

jay replied. thats true in some cases but in some cases women who got married then when they come to a different country...they turn into bad people
treating fmaily like!!
they want there husband to leave there mom,dad sis....
then they compalint about husband,in laws............
read some the posts.. i am sure that u´ ll agree!

my brother´ s wife came from india, all she did was start fights, then we got sick of it, we did wat she did, she posts a lot of things on this website, thats how i came to know about this websites.... she calls my mom monster in law!!!! i read her posts here.....


so dont blame stuff on their in laws, first think wat u did in the fmaily...

Ritika replied. Domestic violence is an ugly reality in many households be it India or the US. Money, education etc do not necessarily translate into non-abusive husbands.

I think a man does not suddenly turn abusive...He already has some traits from the very beginning - like trying to control others around him, being extremely hot tempered, thinking that women are inferior to men etc...

It is just that before marriage he never got the chance to abuse somebody...after marriage, when he did get the chance, his real nature came to the fore...

The reason I think so is because a sane, logical man would not go ahead and beat somebody just because they happen to hold a different opinion from them or would like to make their own decisions.

It is only somebody who cannot bear to see his will being thwarted by somebody as ' lowly' as his wife.

Why would a woman continue staying with such a man and suffer and be miserable? You are right about the answer - there is so much pressure on the woman to \" adjust\" and the social stigma attached to a divorce that a woman feels trapped in an abusive marriage sometimes and feels that there is no help for her...she has seen her parents give so much for her marriage that she thinks she will disappoint her parents and give them tension by leaving her husband and going back to them...

Another big reason why women suffer (and keep on suffering), is because of the way they are brought up...they are often told that their main aim in life is to get married, adjust, compromise (at all costs) and be a home maker...her husband can do whatever he wants but she should be the sacrificing one...sacrificing herself, her self confidene, her self esteem, her very soul on the alter of marriage...

She is not told that if somebody hurts her, she should fight back...she is not told that staying in an abusive marriage is NOT ok.

It is indeed a miracle that inspite of all this a few women do find the courage and guts to fight back and come out of such a marriage. Unfortuantely they are a rarity and not the norm.

One of the solutions is to make women of all ages aware that physical and mental abuse is not \" normal\" (have you seen the number of posts here that ask whether beatings and verbal abuse from husbands and in laws is normal??!!!). Additionly the information about the kinds of support available to them should be more readily available e.g. helplines, shelters, legal aid, counselling etc.

vimpi replied. I agree with everything you say Kumar. You are right the solutions always lie within ourselves. But it is always hard to look at those solutions in the face and implement them.
Look at the lives majority of Indian immigrants live here in the USA. Majority have completely isolated themselves from the mainstream Americans. They want to live here so badly that they will die for a GC, get beaten by their husbands, invite their parents to come and settle here when they know they cannot have the life here that they were used to in India. They will become US citizens but never feel that this is their country, the USA laws are their own, the constitution whuch guarantees them fundamental rights is their own and anyone encroaching those rights will have to pay. They live such isolated lives yet they will never want to go back to India as if that is a huge insult to live in that country. On the other hand they will profess that Indian culture, Indian values and Indian way of life are the greatest. Why these double standards? People like this cause so much misery to themselves and others who have to put up with them. But what can one do? That is the reality of us Indians and those of us who are caught between two worlds find life the hardest to live.
Inspite of the Indian job scene making a complete turn around in the last decade you will still see majority of Indians die for an opportunity to live in the USA.
riya replied. Hey Kumar I agree to what you wrote in the post. I can percept that you will be a honest and good hubby.

I hope these indian use their brain and just dont get flattered by the Name \" USA \" and turn their daughters life to hell.