Relationships  Discussion Forum

I have posted my issues before on this forum and I am back again.

We are living in US and I got married 1.6 years back. My in-laws were here to visit us for 6 months..and I went through a miserable situation during there stay. Everyday there was something or the other that came up. Since I never stayed with them before, every new situation was tough for me to face. Thanks to many IP friends that tried giving me help and it was a comfort to share my views. They left for India but all this stuff has taken a toll on me. I am so depressed that I end up crying with a drop of pin now. Before leaving I was made to believe indirectly that I don’t deserve my hubby. I tried and tried several times to please them, make them feel comfortable but it came back as a –ve response instead. Here are the recent things that happened before they left:

• I made a beautiful scrapbook for them with there and our pictures together. When I gifted them- the response that I got was, it is too heavy. Then after my hubby pushed them, they told that they will take it. But when we dropped them and came home, I saw they left it back at home.
• My MIL used to enter our room and used my cosmetics when we were out to work. I had a hint before but couldn’t affirm this until they left. She spoiled it before she left. e.g. added water in some of my creams.
• I wanted to go to India as it is been very long and also coz when I got married, my parents and I was given just 5 days to prepare. Since everything happened so soon, I was mentally not prepared to either leave my family or more so, our country. My in-laws suggested to my hubby not to make any plans soon as they had just come and we should have min 6-8 mnths gap in-between as they were here.
• I wanted to send some stuff to my parents but they refused to take it.

I am always quite and take the brunt of this rejection. My MIL never appreciated my effort instead, always passed personal comments about my complexion, eating habits, the clothes I wear. I just can think of one think- I was not their preferred bride of choice as they wanted my hubby to marry someone else. Are they taking of the brunt on me?

I am feeling very depressed and I don’t have a clue what to do. When I talk to my hubby, he is supportive (listens) but then he gets defensive and feels that I take everything –ve and cry for nothing. I don’t respect my in-laws anymore. Infact I have lost my confidence in this entire ordeal of making them happy and in return taking all –ve response from them.

please advise how to deal with all these situations. I cant take it out of my mind.
deepa replied. hi smriti,

stop worrying..even i was like u trying to please my MIL, but its of no use. how much ever u try to please her she will never be happy.
ALL mils r same. though u r beautiful ,equally earns as ur husband ..they try to find fault in u .
according to them u r not the perfect match for there son. But if in place of u if they have DIL of there choice they will find fault with her also..

so be strong stop worrying about them as u r staying with them as RItika said stop calling often ,ignore them ,next time when u meet u should appear very strong and reply back in a firmly and clearly with confidence.

dont lose ur self esteem ..and be confident..really it works.. she will not dare to utter a word when she find u happy and confident..
as u sais ur hubby uderstands u ..dont keep harping ..after some time he will get irritated..
Be happy enjoy ur time with ur hubby...and u need not listen to them ..if u wish to visit ur parents go and stay and just for some time go to ur in laws and speak to them and come back..and if they question u ..or angey with u ..stop convincing them..dont get upset if they r angry..

u have every right to think about ur happiness.. riya replied. Hi smriti i read your post I know you have gone through bad times i want to give some suggestion :-

You need to be mentally strong and accept your inlaws as they are, you need not change your self for them .If your hubby is fine with your eating and clothing habbits then just stop thinking for them .Dont give them any response live your life enjoy ur every moment ans also 1 imp thing stop crying for silly things your tears are precious .

Just love your hubby and try to be as he wants and one more thing dont tell your parents about all this every now and then they may get upset and keep regreting on their decision.

Keep your self busy make friends enjoy life ,crying will not give you a solution and be a strong \" WOMAN \"

All the best !

Ritika replied. Hi Smriti,

1) If you want to visit India so much, why dont you make a trip? You can go alone for 2-3 weeks and then come back...no need to stay with your in laws in that time as they have just visited you. You can stay the entire time with your family and have a nice vacation.

Your hubby can join you next time when you go...

2) Most in-laws behave badly to their bahus. Take solace in that fact that you are not alone...:) Even if the bahu is very beautiful, very intelligent, very soft spoken, a mother in law will be able to find some fault with her...

All your mil was trying to do was undermine your self confidence...and knock your self esteem...

The question is, do you want to give in to her? If she never changes, will you keep on being un happy and depressed?

Because if you wait for the other person to change their behavior, you might be kept waiting forever...

Instead stop trying to please her so much...keep an extremely formal relationship with her...dont talk to her much on the phone...try ignoring her...don' t think that she will treat you like a dear daughter, because chances are she wont...

Don' t give her so much control over your feelings and emotions...

The best way to show her is to be happy with your husband...STOP talking abt your in laws with him...you' ve told him everything that has happened and he knows how you feel and he' s sympathetic...now if you keep harping on it, it might loose its effect.

I know - dealing with spiteful in laws can be very hard, but think of it this way..you' ve known these people less than 2 years. And hopefully you will not meet them too often (as you are not staying with them)...Why waste more time thinking about them...they are not worth it..why waste time trying to impress people who are out to find fault with you...??

You are a newly wed..go out and have fun with your husband..create happy memories...stop worrying about what your MIL or FIL did or said...

btw, just keep in mind that next time you meet them, you dont keep quiet when they make personal comments on you. If you start replying back, your MIL will not be spiteful so much...

Take care and all the best...