It is very painful.
I didn't imagine for one moment throughout my very normal and uneventful pregnancy that this would happen to me,that too just 20days before the due-date. The baby was very active althrough. I felt her from 17weeks.
I didn't have any ailments either..
At birth she was full 3kgs.
I used to keep count on the movements always. The previous night I was awake till about 11 and could feel the vigourous movements all time.

But next morning I woke at 7.30 and I couldn't feel it. The baby had died already. I knew it right away. I was so scared. Our families were not with us at that time.

There was and is no explanation of her death. And that is more disturbing.

It happened on 8th May... 2days after our 2nd anniversary.. she was borne on the 9th.. Though she has died.. still she is my daughter, my first child ... and I love her.. and will always do...

I know we will meet oneday... she will come back to me... or may be I will go to her...

Till then, I have her ultrasound pics with me...

Thanks for reading..
I need to tell someone... At times I feel I am losing my mind...
Aarti replied. Dear Mina,

\";You know, all these days I was trying to erase all the memories. People around me also want me to do so. They don't want to talk about what happened. \";

That is one of the problems I faced with my relatives in India. They make it look like nothing happened and that I should move on. It is very different here in the US. But I realised that unless you go through a loss (especially one as late as yours) you really don't know what it is. So I don't blame them any more.

\";They think that this is the best thing to do for me.\";

I have found that it is not possible to forget. For me it has been better to keep the memory alive and to move on.

\"; Nobody knew her, so it's easy for them. But not for me. She was as real as a living child.\";

That's exactly right. Another baby will not be a replacement. People might say things like \";You will surely have another one\";, \";How lucky that baby was to do straight to heaven\";, \";Atleast you did not get to know her\";. If my loss taught me one thing it was to be considerate of others and not respond back.

\";I don't want to say goodbye to her. I want to hold her close to my heart. She will live in my heart and 'My heart will go on and on'\";.

They asked me in the hospital if I had a name for the baby since I could put it on the stillbirth certificate. I named my child. I don't feel like sharing the name but the meaning was 'long life'. Everyone will forget my baby but not me. It helped me to name the baby since I refer to baby with that.

I started a ritual regularly which is a homage I pay to my baby. I never lit a lamp daily in front of God. I have made that a new habit. It helps me to remember my child but also to move forward and not dwell in the past. I don't if I am using the right words to explain all of this. I don't want you to be in the past to such an extent that you are not able to look at the future. Use the past to guide you forward. Another thing which I am doing is to volunteer at the perinatal loss office at my hospital. I don't do much - just sort out files and help to arrange keepsake boxes which they give to mothers who lose babies. My husband was very worried that I wanted to do such a thing. But he has realised that it was my way to looking ahead (as paradoxical as that sounds!).

I had two factors which helped me deal with my loss.

1) my son who was 2 at that time
2) my mother who lost a fullterm baby after having me.

I can understand how much harder it is if you don't already have a child. I think you are extremely courageous to write and talk about your situation. I was so touched to read that you had written a letter to your daughter in the hospital.

I will check this board often. Please do not hesitate to write.

How religious are you? I am not super religious but there is a temple in TN which I visited which is meant for pregnancy and childbirth. if you are interested in those details, let me know.

All my best wishes and prayers, Aarti simba replied.
Mina,
There are no words to console u right now. What u and ur husband are going through is really hard and tough. Please try and cherish all ur memories about ur daughter who spent nearly 9 months with u. Thats what I have done. I have had 3 losses in between June 05 and March 06. All were very early before 8 weeks. I can only imgaine the pain u are going through right now. U are not alone. We are here for you. My last loss happened after we saw a heart beat ... for no reason my baby lost her/his heart beat in the 8th week.I am thinking I am lucky to have seen a heart beat... at least my baby spent some time inside me. Its hard Mina. Not a day goes by without me crying. U should let it out. Cry as much as possible. Don't bottle it up. Find a close freind or your husband and vent vent vent. I did that. Also if you go to babycentercom u will find a lot of women who are and have gone through similar conditions before.
The online group helped me a lot. take a break from ur routine. Go somewhere if you can. Like a vacation or to some close relatives house. But Mina ....remember everytime u miss ur little one say this to yourself. God had other plans for her. God was protecting her and u from some unfortunate event that would have happened later in life.
Remember man proposes and God disposes. So God has other plans for u. U will have another kid soon.
I hope I have not ovewhelmed u. I wanted to share all this to tell u ur are not alone.
I hope u find some peace soon.

Simba
simba replied. Hi Mina,
I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words to console u right now. Please have faith.
Simba Aarti replied.
Hello Mina,

I have been meaning to write a long response but have been a little extra busy. This is my first note to let you know that I am thinking of you. I don't know if I have the right words to express how bad I feel for your loss. When you carry a precious baby until term you never expect such a turn of events. Losing my baby at 17 weeks itself was so devastating. I cannot imagine how you must be feeling. It is even worse when you have not found a reason for it.

There were a few things which helped me after my baby's loss. I don't know how helpful these will be but I can try.

- Join an online support group. There are some good groups on the internet. The women at http(://)hygeia(.)org/ are wonderful. As also the boards at babycenter(.)com.

- Is there a trusted friend with whom you can talk to? I did not turn to anyone except my husband, mother and best friend. I went into a shell for sometime except for talking to these people. I am not saying that this will work with you. But if you can find even one friend who is willing to listen to EVERYTHING that you have to say, it is better than talking to a whole bunch of people who might not understand and offer words that do not console.

- Write a farewell letter to your baby girl. I saw this suggestion on the internet and thought it was morbid. It took me several days to write a small note to my baby but it really made me cry my heart out. I can't explain why but it was very healing.

There a couple of suggestions which are applicable if you live outside India. If you do and want those suggestions, i add them too.

I send you my prayers and best wishes. I hope that each day gives you more strength than the other.

- Aarti