Relationships  Discussion Forum

I am 28 Years old and married for 3 years now. My husband is very nice, very caring & very understanding. Both of us are extremely dedicated, honest and loyal to each other. But this doesn't mean that we have not had our share of problems. Just to give a little background - My husband came to the US to study & he has been here for almost 10 years now. He is the only son of his parents and his mother expired in 1998, so his father is all alone in India. I grew up in India and we got married in India and I came to the US. Just after 5 months of our wedding my husband called his father here. This was a severe blow on our relationship. I was looking for a job & managed to find one & started working but I had a really tough time at home - with my father-in-laws expectations of cooking & being like a traditional Indian daughter-in-law. Being the only child of his parents my husband did not support me much. He too strongly agreed with his father's expectations from me & also expected the same from me. Overall, I had a very tough time - I still was adjusting to the new country, to the new job & had to go through all this. On top of this, my husband had also lost money in stocks and was under credit card debt of about over $100K. I worked hard to cut down our expenses to be able to come out of this huge debt. I postponed spending on any thing that I wanted for myself - like buying a car & being Independent. My husband's first priority was giving as much happiness as he could to his father. I struggled & explained to him the pain I was going through - He understood & apologized since he had also noticed the sacrifices I was making to move our family ahead. My husband has numerous good qualities - he is sincere, hardworking & very caring & sensitive & he understood my pain & that's why I continued to remain attached to him but his father always intruded my sphere & my space & my husband too is too much attached to him since his father had sacrificed a lot for him & spent all his money to send him to US to study.
Anyway, there is still more to add to all this - Ever since I got married, I never experienced a good sex life. Even when we were newly weds, we used to have sex just once every week or every two weeks, then the frequency decreased - now its just once a month or sometimes not even that. Seems like my husband is extremely sensitive & gets stressed out a lot at work but the impact this has on me is that I am deprived of even that basic thing in life. But I always used to think that probably this is not something to be worried about as all other aspects of my husband are good - he is loyal to me, he is so down to earth, he doesn't drink or smoke, he helps me a lot, he is caring & he never had a girlfriend before marriage and he never had sex before marriage BUT what I happened to come to discover very recently while arguing with him that he had dated someone for a month (that's what he has told me) & had sex with her 2-3 times. I had known that he had gone on a number of dates before we got married but I did not know that he had sex before marriage. He always gave the impression of a very pure kind of person. Knowing this is unbearable for me. Although, I can be assured that he would never do this again with someone else, yet I am extremely hurt and disturbed. Am I overreacting - Is it very normal to have sex before marriage? Can somebody please tell me what should I do & how should I take this considering everything I have gone through. vishu replied. Hi,

I suggest you take professional help. Pl visit NDTV web site go to health section and post your question on Q& A section any problems will be answered by leading doctors from India and abroad. It is really good. It will help you. a friend replied. Hi Mohana,
I worte earlier and looks like u too my words the wrong way. I know things r easier said than done.....but sometimes that is a start. Money is just money. I feel bad for all that u have to sacrifice....but seriously...my sympathy is not going to solve the issue. And that is why i suggested you accept things and move on....because only when u try to do that will u'r future be better.
Also, i read somewhere that we spend so much of our time worrying about things that r to happen....and when they do you realise how stupid u where to worry about them in the first place. So....about u'r fil...worry about it when the time comes....or when things happen. Is your worrying about it going to change anything. NO...so why spoil today.
As for your sex life...u really need to communicate with your hubby....pls don't spoil u'r marriage over a past affair. Life in today not in yesterday or tommorrow.
Hope thins helps juvinile replied. Mohna,

Probaly I can be the best person to talk to on this issue. I am a husband whose wife feels the same way regarding my parents apart from the sexual betrayal in your story. If we start discussing the things about my parents we end up in fight how hard we try to understand each other. I dont know how to solve this matter. Since you are in the same shoes as my wife we two can probably discuss how this issue can be resolved.

Regarding your husbands premarital sex, I think it is nothing but unfortunate. Your feeling hurt is genuine because he lied to you before marrying you. Otherwise it was an accident. When you are youg and have high sex drive you can do some mistakes like these. Even women do but Indian women have more social responsibilities which compel them from not entering into such relations. I think it is not that you should change, the mentality which says that women should not go for premarital sex should change

Actually there is a biological reason for such mind set. SEX FOR MEN CAN BE PURELY PHYSICAL WHILE AS THEY CAN BE CONNECTED EMOTIONAL TO SOMEONE ELSE BUT FOR A WOMEN IT IS PURELY EMOTIONAL THING unless she is doing it for money or any other favour

that is why such things for women are considered bad rather than for men.
Important thing is that marriage demands commitment. If after marriage he indulges in other women, then he is not worth your love.
saritha replied. Hi mohna, sorry to hear what you going through.even I also went through the same thing with my husbands family. but luckyly they don't stay with me.I think instead of worrying what happend with your husband, just try to forget it(you don't have any other option), from your posting I notice you don't have child. have a child, that might bring you & your hubby closer, & you will forgive him(think that he was not mature before marriage, it was not love, it was just an accident).having a child might change your fil's behaviour also. remember he has only one son, & you are the person who will give a grandchild to him, he will love your child, & that child is yours.take care.
a friend replied. Hi Mohna,
I know it is hard with a fil living with u specially in US , but u really need to understand from your husband's point of view. In Indian soicety, the son is expected to take care of their parent...however good or bad that is. Where do u expect u'r fil to go...he is alone now!!! I know it is hard for u....but sometimes u need to just accept things. Look at it this way...if u were in u'r husband's shoe and it was one of u'r parent, what would u do???
As for the sex issue...it's in the past....before u came in the picture.....so forget about it. He is now married to you and loves you. Virginatiy according to me these days is overrated. SO get over the saddness and tell your self he is mine and mine alone NOW!!!!! U might want to sit down and talk to him about your sexual needs. Maybe he feels that u don't like it. Maybe he wants u to make the first move. Try talking to him....maybe he has some likes and dislikes...try to figure that out together.
All the best god bless replied. Hi Mohna. I am married for 7 yrs and my husband is the only child too and my fil passed away when my hubby was only 8. He does not depend on his mother much but feels obliged to please her and I too had trouble settling first few years specially with regards to the expectations of mil. More so that she is a woman and she used to be and still is insecure with regards to be me taking control of kitchen etc. And like you I too found out that my husband had relationships before we got married (**x being a part of it), I was astonished but since I had an arranged marraige, I had to come to terms with it. It is true about the double standard of men wanting virgins as wife and not being one themselves. But the good way of looking at it is that your husband and mine were both honest about it with us and yes it does put a dampen when you get physical with them but if u try to accept it as past, maybe u can move on with it sooner.
About enjoying a healthier closer ***ual relationship, may I suggest that you add humour to the situation, men when stressed have low **x drive and chatting about something funny or watching a comedy program etc sure helps relax nerves and giving body massage, head massage also helps men relax and unwind and get tempted to be cozy instantly. Don't let your husband know that u r doing this for **x however this could help u and him both relax before u start and maybe the overall satisfaction improves too.
Hope this helps you. Good luck. Nina replied. Dear Mohna,
I read your post and I have a lot to say, but first, the most important thing is...

You love your husband and he loves you...that is what matters most. Sometimes not knowing everything is far better than knowing it all. I think you must feel hurt...afterall, you had this image in your head that your husband gave himself to you purely and did not ever lay with a woman before you. I can truly see where you are coming from...but...he married you, not her or them.

Men are funny creatures, they often think having sex before marriage is okay for them but not for the girl...well that is double standard.

Your husband probably did not plan to have sex with this girl, but being away from home, putting himself in a tempting place, being young...that is a recipe for overindulgence.

My husband and I both were virgins when we married, I don't want to even think of him having made love to another woman, but...he married me, not anyone else.

You should look at it this way, your husband has dated other women, but through it all, he found something in you that he really liked; he knew you were a good person...you were pure.

Try to look past this and avoid asking details about the girl whom he had sex with, don't ask what she was like, what she looked like...it will only disturb you further.

Now...about the SEX issue...
Do you feel deprived from sex because of your husband? I think you should sit down and have a dicussion about it. Use the \";I feel\"; statments...
\";I feel like making love more often\";...

Now, you need to give yourself some space to take a deep breath and realize that you can't change the past, but you can go forward and use what you've learned about your husband to strengthen you.

Take care sister...