Relationships  Discussion Forum

I am nearly going to finish 8th month pregnancy. My due date is 22nd April. I dont intend to call my in laws during pregnancy my hubby understands it. Its my first kid. We are planning to have a maid to take care of things.

I always have been independent sort from last 8 years, never expect anything from parents or anyone.
My mother in law is a lecturer and father in law is retired. She plans to come to come for 2 months vacation. And previously also i had a bad experience staying with her or rather i couldn't adjust.

Being lecturer she talks very loudly and expect every one to listen to her which i cant stand or rather being staying alone with husband i am not used to it.

They told us many times that they want to come for my help but we have told that if needed we will call.Two days back they announced that they have booked the tickets. I got very furious as i had told my husband that if they come i would like to go to my mothers house after a month since he understands that i cant adjust. So he had said ok and had said that he will inform them that after some weeks I will be going to my house. But that day when they called he said he forgot as he was shocked that with out informing they had booked the ticket.

It lead to a fight since i felt he did intentionally later he said he will inform that I am going. So when he called up and told they said no no why she wants to go. Travelling after 1-1.5 months is not good.In end my hubby said i dont feel comfortable so i dont want them to come so he told just cancel the ticket.

Later when he told me i felt bad so i said let them come. I felt he was very happy at the same moment he called up and told this. I felt he did this intentionally. So again it led to big argument. Later he told me he will tell that let them come and will inform then that i wish i can go home after 1 or 1.5 month. As later i wont get such a big leave as I am working person.

Please tell me what should i do.


nits replied. hi alka,
.my mils is very caring and nice.but it is the fact that you cant say everything to her.you hv to respect your inlaws and it is not the same realation that u hv with your own parents.
if you think you can manage it with your husband.ask them to cancel there tickets.best of luck for your pregnancy.but before saying no to them.consider it that at the time of pregnancy you need lot of help.
nits Leena replied. Are your ILs the helping kind who would do the work in the house? If yes, atleast you will have some help. There's lot of work with new-born child than you can imagine and it is stressful. But if they are useless and think that a son's home is vacation resort keep them away. Tell them to cancel their tickets. Having lazy, nagging ILs who eat your head are not needed when you are weak physically & mentally. You can might as well manage with a maid who will do her work and leave.
I had my parents for delivery. They helped a lot in their way. BUT they too were extremely irritating bcos Indians have this tendency of bossing around children & prying into a couple's life. And even MY parents were no different. The day they left for India I was very happy and I felt that it would have been better if I had managed delivery alone. It would have been stressful & hard but atleast you don't have ppl who make you cranky and lose peace of mind.

saheli replied. I think it is totally up to you and ur husband whether you want his parents with u in this important time of your life. Somehow Indian parents fail to understand the importance of moments that are just to be cherished by only husband and wife. If both of you agree, then you should call ur in-laws. I think all elders do is give u unwanted age old advices out of which some don't hold any value in today's world.My in-laws live with us and even during my pregnancy they were very much here inspite of me calling my parents during pregnancy. And not only that they insulted my parents at any given oppurtunity and totally overruled anything my mom said or did. They had an option to move to any of their 3 daughter's house but they did'nt. My parents were so hurt and scared of them that they don't want to set foot in my house again.
You can tell ur husband that it is your first time as a mother and you want to have confidence in yourself as to how you are bringing up the baby before you are ready to listen to all the advices that your in-laws will have to offer. Being Indian its going to be hard for them to understand this concept of having confidence in bringing up babies etc but try. It is your moment and don't let anybody else steal it. And in-laws never do anything except make you miserable at this time.
As far as your mom's surgery is concerned, it is better to postpone it or may be suggest her to be with her elder sister for the moment. It is hard to have a baby and ur mom's surgery at the same time. And whatever u do, don't worry what your in-laws say or think. Whatever u do, they will have a problem with it but you got to do what you got to do. So do what you feel comfortable with it coz it is you who is delivering the baby not ur husband. So everything should be done keeping you in mind.
Good luck!
Saheli Alka replied. I understand things what you say but I am now in more worse condition.
My mother is suffering from heart blockage she stays in small town hence she needs to do a surgery which can be done here. We are two sis and my sis stays near to my mother in same town. Hence only i am in position being staying in city who can help mummy for her surgery. She can go to her elder sis place but i know she prefers me more than any one else.She will be coming tomorrow.
Now since i have called her here, her surgery will take a week if all goes as planned. Now my in laws will think i did not call them though they are coming but called my mother (I lost my dad 6 years back)its not that i wanted to call my mom but situation came to such a point i couldnt help..its not for me or for my kid help i have called her but to help my mom i have called her..but she wont understand..and if my mil comes up next month she wont understand that my mother is not well and assume her or me to do all work. God i am in so much mess..I planned to go after my delivery to my mothers place..but now all things are in toss..God knows what to do.

I cannot confide all this to my mother since she knows i like to do things on my own..reason being it is me and my husband who decided to have kid..why do we expect from any one else to help us . I have seen my sister.. my mother and her in law helped her to bring up her son now she looks so much dependent. I dont want to put this types of habit to me,husband or to my kid. I understand it will be diff taking care but i want to do it on my own...!!! Is my thinking wrong???

I know that my in laws will be feeling bad i am not calling them requesting them to come..i dont feel like doing. I know my hubby might be feeling also awkward since i dont even feel like talking to them..but what to do..i am close to my hubby he says he understand me he is very caring dont want me to take tension at this last days when each day we think anyday baby will come...He is being real nice. But if i request them to come later i only regret..What should i do gauri replied. Alka I understand you.
I was in same position as you. My mil was a school teacher and as soon as she heard i am preg she resigned and said she is ready to come to take care of me and baby. I really wanted my mom to be with be during that time as i cant tell everything to my mil, but you know, husbands parents always think its their right to see their grand child before my parents can see them..
I am in us and they came for 6 months and i passed 6 months with so much difficulty that i was counting each day as it would pass. She never cared as to what food is good for me or what i should eat, she just cared for my husband and my husband was so happy that he thinks they should come after every 6 months :(
I dont know about you but it is really not a bad idea to go to your moms place after 1 mo and relax a bit. in laws may do some chores and try to give you some relief but they increase so much mental pressure.
Its ok to be selfish sometimes else everyone just keeps taking advantage. And this is yr special time and its absolutely fine to go to yr moms place.
I wish i could do that.
Aboli replied. Dear Alka,
I agree with sk. You are a bit too demanding. It is very common in India that girls go to their mothers place for first delivery and believe me it is for good. Well, after reading all the books and so much info on net, we think that it is very easy to take care of a new born. But believe me it is not. It is always good to have someone elder. And then you will be so exhausted by the cycle of feeding-changing-feeding that it will be good to have someone around. While nursing, you will need to eat healthy food. It is always good if somebody is there to help you. Now, about forcing factor, I believe, they don't take it as forcing. Like all the Indian parents they believe it is their right to come and stay at their son's place as and when they wish. I don't want to sound like grandma, but once you become mother, you will understand that better. Well, it's your decision to go or not to go to your parents house for delivery, but try to accomodate your in-laws as 2 months will just fly with the new-born around.
sk replied. Sorry I may sound rude but you sound as if you own your husband after your marriage. You are a part of your inlaws family and as elders, your inlaws are the head of the family(even if you dont stay together) and have every right to share the eagerness and happiness of welcoming the new member of the family into this world. They certainly do not need your permission to come and stay with their son for some time. Your husband has been a very nice person and has been going with your unreasonable demands but dont push too hard. Yes you can maintain your personal space and tell your inlaws if you disapprove of something but you cannot make them disappear for good. A replied. Hi Alka,
My suggestion would be to let them come. Even if you have maid, it is still helpful to have elders in the family. Believe me, your hubby is a real nice person. If he feels happy if they come, then I think you should co-operate with him. I know, once they are with you, she will be dectating many things as to what to do for the baby, how to take care of him/her etc. You should better get prepared for it. If you really want to go to your parents, they can't prevent you if your doctor says that there is no harm in travelling. I am also expecting, and my in-laws who are in India will be coming over here. I know, my MIL being a patient herself won't be of any help to me and believe me I don't share a lot good relation with her. Evenif she is not bossy, she is kind of sympathy-seeker and over expressive. I am just preparing myself to welcome her and trying my best to think positively about their arrival. My hubby is also a very understanding person and I have told him to ask his mother not to interfere in my life much. She can come here and enjoy. But if she starts interfering too much then it wouldn't be possible for me to keep my calm.
Well, this is just my suggestion. You might not agree to it. But talking the terms of their stay with your hubby might be helpful. Also, don't keep blaming your hubby that he is intensionally doing certain things, because he is trapped between you and his parents and doesn't want to hurt either one of you. So, it is quite natural on his part whatever he has done. Try to understand him and work together with him about this matter.
Love,
A.