Relationships  Discussion Forum

Sorry this will be a long post. I have been married for 4 yrs to my H. First I was a housewife, dedicated myself to house and taking care of him. Never neglected anything breakfast, lunches, snacks, dinners treated him like a king.
He seemed very happy with me. The moment I would display a different opinion on a subject matter we are discussing, he would fly off the handle. I became a fusser. Slowly during arguments he called me abusive words. No matter what I did for him I could never be the submissive, husband respecting , wife. Well, to make a long story short, after 1.5 yrs as housewife i took up a job. We both moved to his dad' s house where he also took up another job. I was ignored more and more each day. I gave him a cellphone as a gift. Whenever i wanted to talk or confront him about anything he would ignore me even more. It went to that point where he would not care whether i came back home from work or not. He would not ask or care. Just in front of his Dad he acted OK. I could not take it anymore.Seemed like he hated me from deep within but never could bring it to his lips. he started giving me hints to move out. He told me will join some spiritual organization after 6 months and leave his job etc, i should find a place to live.
Ultimately I moved out of his Dad' s house after 6 months.

I was in deep depression and still deeply loved him. I did not contact him for 2 months after that i would call him up and ask him about his health etc. The i started asking him to go to marriage counselling. before he has always avoided going to counselling but always said he doesn' t mind. This time he came to the counsellor but told me it will only be once that he will visit. In front of the counsellor he said the marriage was a big mistake, he does not have any feelings for me, all that he has is physical feelings and that he is trying to get rid of them. Refused to answer any other questions the counsellor asked him. She asked each one of us if we want to make this marriage work. I said YES and he said \" I WILL NOT ANSWER THIS QUESTION\" .
That was the end of counselling.

OK, So I thought that this will end. But i still called him up once in a while saying I will be happy for his future. After another 4 months i came to a point where, i overcame depression, got detached from him(for my own good, forgave him, and was ready to move on).He called once a month, probably he sensed my happiness or whatever.

Now suddenly last christmas, he started pursuing me again, saying he wants to start fresh again. He loves me like he never loved anyone before. After 2 weeks i let him in. he was the nicest most caring person ever.

After one month, silly me, (i have online login for his cellphone). I logged in what did I see. One number to which calls have been made 7-8 times a day everyday. from 7am to 12.30in the night. Sometimes 5-6 calls in a span of 5 hrs between 8pm to 1.30 am. I confronted him, he said it was his guy friend, i could not believe this lie. I confronted him again nicely and he said that this was a more than good friend he used to discuss his problems with. Since he was extremely depressed when i moved out, he had nobody to talk to etc etc.
he refused to give me her name politely saying\" IT WILL SERVE NO PURPOSE\" .
I asked him what they spoke about at 12 and 1 in the night.he refused again with the standard phrase\" IT WILL SERVE NO PURPOSE\" .

I had many many questions and all he told me was this is a good friend of 10 yrs.
Later i called up that number and that lady told me her name but refused to speak to me.
With more research i found that that she was his tenant before we got married, lived 2 blocks from us while we were married, that he has been speaking to her right after 4 months into the marriage.I am not sure this is an exflame, that they fell in love/lust recently or what. Both of them have blocked answers to my questions.

Now he blames me for everyhting. I asked him\" If she was such a longtime time good friend why didn' t you introduce me to her when she was jsut 2 blocks away\" --he tells me I was narrowminded, thats why.
I asked him how come they never spoke to each other when I was around-- he says i was narrowminded.
I ask him to be open with me and honestly answer my questions- he says i will twist what he said and use it against him. and my questions are silly and \" IT WILL SERVE NO PURPOSE\"
I told him that by this action of his i have lost whatever trust i had in him and he says: \" You never trusted me anyway\" .
he says he has done nothing wrong\" I was an ABSENTEE WIFE\" .

He calls me up when it snows and asks me if he could come and spend the night at my place so he can go with me to work and make sure i don' t slip and fall. Well, i politely said no. I don' t want to touch him anything.

This man i feel is a very smart liar and manipulator. He is at a high level manager, and i feel contantly manipulated by him. I dont know what to do.
He says \" He will alwys love me whether we are together or not, I will never be alone\" .
But he refuses to answer any of my questions.


I thought only if he could be honest and open, maybe i could start again. But i don' t see any light. He has used me and cheated and never been honest or open.
Now he says I have no right to ask questions because i am not physically intimate with him.So he is not answerable to me.

My heart and mind scream from within. Deep within my feelings tell me that he is inconsistent, that i have been emotionally and mentally abused and played around with. deep within my feelings tell me to leave him for good.
I am a spiritual person. never set an eye on another man, i never believed in divorce, and i am torn apart from within. Each day is difficult to pass. I go work , do everything i did before, but i am like dead from inside. There are times, when i just feel i will start crying in public. Now he says he has cut off all contact with her. But he will not answer my questions and says its up to me whether i want to continue the relationship or not.
Thats it- cold and cutt off.
Pls advise me. I can' t take this anymore.
riya replied. No second thought just leave that man who has been betraying you so long, he deserves a hard kick . I think you will have more options husband is not the end of your life

May god give u all the strenght. vimpi replied. Sorry to hear your ordeal. I have a friend who went through something very similar. Men like your husband are made the way they are so do not expect them to change. They cannot help being who they are. So either you will have to accept him as he is or dump him. My friend chose to dump her ex. He still tried to get back to her especially because they had a kid together. But she was firm, concentrated on her career and raising the kid all by herself even ignoring her parents plea to return to India so that she could have her family around her. Now she is happily married to another man(a great guy also our friend) (infact just last week she got married after a long courtship). This friend of mine is a strong girl, sure of her feelings. She told me it took her a long time to get over her ex because he was her first love and inspite of everything she always wanted to forgive him especially since she knew he still loved her and could' nt help being who he was. But finally she decided it was impossible to live without her self respect so she dumped him.
All I can say is you must sort out your feelings first. Take your time. Is there an urgency to take a decision?
But when you make a decision do so with a clear mind and looking at truth in the face after you have said your prayers.Do you need this marriage and this guy? Ask yourself what is right for you and the kids if you have any. Do what is right by you. That will be right by God. God wants you to be happy above all. So do what makes you happy and that will make God happy too. job replied. You do seem to be a brave and independent woman. Marital vows and relation are based on trust. If he cannot answer all your questions, there is definately a breach of trust. And when he has already breached trust, I dont think you have to have anything on your conscience. God does not look only at the vows but, also the importance of those vows. Just like you have vowed to keep him happy and be loyal to him, is it not his responsibility to respond in the same way? Believe in your karma, if you are right, do it... Then, let anybody be punished. He is probably just using you, so take the decision, and then live with it. Dont do it half hearted, if you decide to leave him, do it for good, even if you are single, and whatever he does, dont go back to him, as, if you do, then you are disrespecting yourself and your own decision, and handing him a victory he does not deserve. dddd replied. Suman you are a brave woman. I would like to congralute you for that.You need to get out of this marriage. Its a no brainer. You were not an absentee wife . Anybody who saw your post will tell your that. Your husband is blaming his insecurities on you. Husbands are a classic example of doing that.
The only way i feel you can come out of this would be you move places and stop any contact with your husband.get a makeover start spending time with your friends shop for a new wardrobe. Also start dating . this might a little extreme to suggest but the very positive way to get deviated from all the negative things happening .best of luck.post back. sumanR replied. I hope God gives me permission to seek divorce at this point.
Wonder, he avoids all answers, manipulates my questions and blames all his actions on me. Looks like he wants me to divorce him, instead of doing it himself. Maybe he doesn' t want to look bad in front of God, family whatsoever. Maybe he thinks, if she stays after this too,
he can have all the fun he wants. And i I leave him then he is fine too,
since i was the one who filed for divorce , not him.
I have stopped all contact with him. I am trying to take time to gather all my hurt feeling together. Hope this pain goes away with time.
When i remeber all the words of promises he gave me,
all the things he said how he can love no other,
how he can never be anyone else' s, i can' t help crying.
Weird, 4 days back , before I posted here,
he gave me the same answers to my questions
\" I was an absentee wife\" ,\" It will serve no purpose\" ,
\" You never trusted me anyways\" phrases and in the same breath he declared
That\" he loves me like he never loved anyone ever, neither will he, ever\" .
Even if i leave him and we live in two seperate parts of the world, i will never be alone\" .
God, how miserable he makes me feel. sumanR replied. Thank you all for your replies.
Everyone has suggested me he is not worth it. I do not have any kids. So it should be easy for me to leave. But i always think i made vows in front of God. I always think i will be breaking my promise to God and what about my relationship to God. If i didn' t have these uncomfortable questions, i would have left. I pray everyday and have a strong relationship with God. I will feel guilty of the word I gave to God at the time of marriage. Maybe God doesn' t want me to be with him. maybe God wants me to beak my promise. Maybe God is testing me. I don' t know. Its been 3 days I have cutt off all contact with him. Speaking to him drives me to an emotional frenzy, and yes i also grieve the good moments in the marriage, specially in the begining.
There is no use talking to him, his answers are always avoiding in nature. ne replied. Dear Suman,
While reading ur story, i felt as if emotions are all mine. I am also struggling daily bcoz of the thought of leaving my so-called husband, the reason i still love him deep in heart.
and i have a kid also.
But believe me if ur single then leave him immediately. Get rid of him and his double standards bcoz living with a dishonest husband just bcoz of the society is totally wrong.
If he wants u in life again as a wife then u have every right to know about the reasons for ur disturbed married life.
U know the ans actually. I think he is trying to fool you bcoz he knows, U R GD AT HEART. Accept the destiny.There is a famous saying..

NEVER SEARCH UR HAPPINESS IN OTHERS WHICH WILL MAKE U FEEL ALONE....
BUT SEARCH IT IN YOURSELF, WHICH WILL MAKE U HAPPY EVEN IF U R LEFT ALONE !!!

Best Wishes,
A Friend like you. Saheli replied. I dont remember the name, but it was some famous scientist like Edison, or someone like Einstein. At the age of 54, his factory caught fire and nothing was left. He had no insurance as well.

On asking how he felt he said \" I m feeling good. All the mistakes we made are now erased and I can start afresh. Till it was there, we were failingly trying to correct it for years!\"

Great ppl are no different, they r also humans. Do u think he dint feel sad to see all the investment ruined? But even at 54, he was looking at the positives.

I wd also suggest you to start afresh and get rid of him.

Not only that, u also need to make urself stronger. You seem to be a wise, strong person already. U hv taken right steps and acted like a mature person.

Remember he will come back to you again n again. If he knows u r single, he will try to persuade u. Apparantly, he seems to be a weak and selfish person and in short to me he doesnt seem to be worth spending life.

But we can suggest based on situations face value, so pls take decisions carefully. U might also want to seek opinion on ur decision from the same counsellor as she has seen things herself.

On feeling bad or unfortunate or sorry for urself, I think its just state of mind. If u think something serious has happ, u will keep feeling bad. If u take it as just another incident in life and move on, u ll never feel sorry for urself.
Those ppl who hv lost those who loved them, or had incomplete love affairs before marriage ..... many of them are now happily re-settled in life. And ur hubby never loved u. So why feel sorry for losing something that was never urs?

Just decide u r happy at the decision and u did right. Think as if some expensive stuff u bought like TV or fridge was a faulty piece.

Also, the road after separating from hubby wont be easy. He will try 2 come back, other men will ' try' . Women (specially who r fed up with hubbies) will say it was unfortunate, relatives will force or next marriage....

B ready to face them and not to let them make u feel unfortunate.

What u think is what u feel. Dump him and move on.

all the best and keep us posted on ur decision

saheli sweety replied. sometimes detaching yourself from someone whom you had such close relations with is extremely difficult. I understand you are distraught and feel confused but these are the feelings that will lead you to your answer.
If you are asking our opinion all we can say is start fresh...WHY DO YOU WANT TO KEEP GOING BACK FOR MORE INSULTS?
YOU gave all that you can to this relationship, YOU did what you can do to save this relationship, YOU asked all the right questions, YOU took all the right steps, YOU suffered waiting for him, YOU made effort.
Where is HIS part in making the effort to save the realtionship? From the way you have given us your background it seems that he wants to continue doing what he' s doing without being questioned and wants you to take the blame for what he is doing wrong.

There is a solution, you need to start cutting ties for good...you are much better than this you deserve better and you will get better. You beleive in God, and that faith will take you the rest of the way. You have to sow the seed and leave the rest to good faith...walk out and open your mind to a new world. You are your best friend and worst enemy, decide who you want to be. When the mind knows you need to bury this relationship, then don' t let the heart tell you otherwise. Even if he changes tomorrow, every moment with this man will feel like you are with a cheater and liar.
This is your test...and there is lots of hard work involved to pass the test. Start fresh, get a job meet new people, and for once think about what makes you happy.
YOU MUST START WITH STEP 1: BURY YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
Let us know when you are ready for step one!

Best of Luck Saathi replied. Hi Sumanji
Your story is very sad. I' d have been at your place. I' d rather leave him. There is no point in continuing with the person who is not clear in his mind, what he wants? I' d ask you, do u have any kids etc. If no, then definitely, just leave him & move on in your life. The world is big & has lot of good people. So you may find another good guy. You have already done so much good to him. I' d have not even done that much earlier. Rest is upto you, I know its very difficult to leave sumbody & move on in your life, but if you have got a bad luck, you cant complain anybody except GOD. I dont kno, why god does so many bad things to good people. I really hate god sometimes, just becoz of my & my frnds problems, but we cant help it, may that s a bad phase of life, & good will come someday.