Relationships  Discussion Forum

My husband always told me that it is a call from his close friend who had some problem with his wife which lasted long & till now,i was aware about that.He ofen used to be away giving me excuses telling me that his friend & his wife had a fight so he was there to help them out or he was with his other friend or went to play & see games which he was very fond of or he was at his mothers house who was staying in the same city with her other rich son.
I really thought that he is telling the truth as i had blind faith in him & loved him dearly but imagine what it was he was ditching me with my own divorced friend & that also since 5yrs & i was unaware.
It was an anonyme letter that made me aware about this when my husband was on travel.
I was so shocked.
I had decided to leave him but on his return when he came to know that i' m about to leave him he made me believe that he will no more keep relation with her but than again after 4months i caught her msg on his mobile telling him that many other girls are waiting for him why is he tired with only 2 woman & now that I had enough money left by my mother I was really prepared to leave the city & I left with my 2 sons, my husband also came with me.
I still cant forget this event & it is craved in my heart & that keeps me awake whole night & i have no confident left in him & my life is shattered into pieces.
varun replied. I have known an affair from your husband' s point of view. Its very surprising to me that for a long five years you had not suspected and caught him and had to wait for an anonimous letter! And your friend was divorced so there was no check from that side!

An A is neither 100% real nor it is 100% fantasy.(In this many may differ with me.) Many affairs do have a reasonable component of love in it and love can never be planned, one FALLS in love. But all said and done an A with a Married Man(MM) is wrong! I am sure you feel devastated, cheated, betrayed both by your H and your friend. Still if it has stopped and they are repentant, forgive and live life again. I am aware that forgiveness is noble but is not easy. I still wish you forgive before you forget.

Have you tried talking to your friend? were you in touch with her all those five years while it was on? I also suggest, do not stop posting, be here for some more time, speak, vent, think, learn(if you find anything new). Are you in US? Do you have access to counselling at your place? Just think once from her point of view, she too has now lost something, she too is possibly devastated and may even be calling your husband a cheat because of the false promises that he might have made and now failing to keep! Excuse her as long as she does not insist on remaining the OW in your life.

Wish you strength to deal with what lies ahead of you. varun replied. Dear xyz,

So, he has a lot of time available to himself and he also has a need to receive appreciation for some selfless good work that he can do. Possibly from you and others in the family, including his mother the appreciation that he receives does not satisfy him.

So, he sure needs to be in a regular job, which also gives him the satisfaction he requires. From the info you have given, if he gets an employment in a social service kind of organization, it may suit him fine. But it may still not be easy to get him to apply and eventually join such a job! You need to work on that.

You have really come a long way dear, I understand that still he has almost left you in an emotional vacuum. But may be he too has not received what he needed, which resulted into the affairs. Those unsatisfied needs are not necessarily from you, may be from himself. For example that he could not get himself a satisfying employment, is definitely not your lacuna!

But the fact remains that you both need each others support. Now that you possibly can afford, I once again sincerely suggest, go, do find yourself an IC and work on him so that eventually you can take him for an MC together.

Given his almost jobless status, no girl is going to actually love him but may be more than ready to exploit him for a short period from deep inside her own marital comfort! So its YOU only for him, and the fact that yours has been a long marriage together and you do love him dearly, HE is for you.

Go, rarther run and get help to put your M together and get your faith back. Agreed he has wronged you, but if he corrects himself, he deserves to be given a chance.

Wish you all the very best and do keep posting. varun replied. Dear xyz,

Its really unfortunate that you found yourself here.

Did you mean that he has changed his job apart from your husband along with your family changed city?

See, what you can demand from him is an absolute NO CONTACT with those women after he has shared with you their identity and the story to some limited extent. As a part of NO CONTACT, he must change his phone numbers and also email ids and of course all these will work only if he really WANTS to get out of those series of affairs. You together with your husband also need to introspect as to what went wrong in your Marriage which pushed him towords these affairs. The best suggestion that I can give you is YOU NEED COUNSELLING. To start with you may go for Individual Counselling(IC) and later you may have to take him along for Marriage Counselling(MC). If you are in US all these should be very easily available to you. But I strongly suggest you must immediately go for IC to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your sons.

I may suggest you can also post your story in another site called key bridge discussion center. If you do a google search with that name you will find this site on top.