Relationships  Discussion Forum

Girls,
I really need your help. My husband was away for 3.5 weeks. I have 2 preschooler kids and we had a grrrrrrrrreat time together. But now that he is returning next week, I am feeling nervous. Not that he is not good. but he is a solid fault-picker. He will esp. search for every nook and corner in the house where he can find some dust and blame on me or start cleaning it himself to show that i am inefficient and I take utmost care to see that I maintain a neat, tidy and clean house. Inspite of that he will find something or the other and I am getting paranoid about this.
When he left my mind felt so free - literally free I thought I have big wings I could easily fly and achieve anything in this world, but now that he is coming back I am imagining that my wings are being cut and I am going back to the ' hell' again. Not that he does n ot keep me happy - but the prob is he does too much ' Hitlergiri' for all the 3 of us - the kids also have never laughed so much or had so much fun before - of course they do have fun when he is around too - but he keeps too many rules - so even too laugh aloud or express something I feel reluctant and have to think a 1000 times. Frankly I did not miss him even a single day. I was happy, smiling and doing absolutely good when he was gone. Girls pl. tell me is it right or wrong to feel like this ? This is the way I feel, truly. I feel this way even if I have noone to talk to at home - I mean no grown-ups - I have plenty of friends in the colony - mostly mothers who have kids like mine. When I start to converse to him, 90 of the time he ignores, pretends to be thinking something or see TV or is plain bitter faced and I have to keep repeating my stuff 3-4 times like a fool. What is the solution ? dia replied. hey tony ,
I know u well and If i' m not wrong u r the same oe once defined some things to please MIL few months back?!

Ok tony, Dont feel guilty that u r not missing him in his absence ...Its not that u dont really love him. Its just that he frighten u much.
So ,this time be clear with him and when he is in good mood convey how ur children feel free without him. So ask him to be jovial with thme and not too arrogant or systematic. Because it makes them hate their father at some stage. Praise him in his good ways in front of him , at the same time casually tell his negative points.
Tell him how u used to hate him when he was violent and now that he changed u r happy with him and started liking him. Ask him to change neatness terms too..And if it doesnt work out...Just declare ONCE \" Yes,I' m ineffecient and I' m doing utmost I can and cant do anymore ! '
Whenever he finds faultt with u say loudly \" Yes,that is me and I cant change myslf\" and immediately change the topic or turn ur face without looking for his answer/Pretend to not to care his response and scoldings\"

Dont feel guilty that u r not upto his expectations. ...My hubby waas never been violent but used to find fault with home-cleaning etc...When I started not caring, he stopped comments.ofcourse I too showed some homes where he stunned for uncleanliness and funnily asked e not to compare with those ladies but to compare with his mother. I said ur mother might be great and goddess But I' m an ordianry woman and cant be more than it.It just worked. I cant say the same u didnt try. U must have tried everything on earth. But being harsh sometimes make them frightened and same time being soft when he is in good mood works moree...
goodluck!


Pepsi replied. I hv no solution for u but just wanted to tell u that u r not alone. After reading abt ur hubby i can say that my hubby is much simpler, has never hurt me or anything. But still when he is away i feel relaxed and free. I love him a lot, he loves me a lot, there are no issues betn us, we get along together v well. Still, i hv felt same as u r feeling.

i guess this feeling has got more with the burden on our heads to take care of the hubbies, feed them, and basically do everything for them as if they are our responsibility, just like a kid is for the mother. Hubby is good or bad ... food needs to be cooked, houseowrk needs to be done, and that too ... everything should be done as per his suitable timings. So when he is not there, we are free. We would feel the same when kids go out to friend' s place. To add to it, if the hubby is a fault-picker, then imagine!
I also blame it on our culture where everything is the wife' s duty. Why dont hubbies clean the house, why dont they own this resp? why is it our duty to make his food ready on time? God dint tell me that this is my duty when i was born as a female? In western countries, the males take care of a lot of their own stuff, take care of the kids, and many of them also share the housework load. Can we imagine telling a husband in india to wash the dishes? Can wives in india imagine this scene - husband washing utensils or jhadoo or dusting? Wives reading this must have had smiles on their face!
Anyways. Its sad to see we wives being blamed for all such things when they go wrong assuming its our resp.
I dont have answer for these, but i am teaching my child that when she grows up, the \" good house\" will be everybody' s responsibility and not just hers so should not give up to hubby or MIL for cooking or dusting. Tony S replied. Thanx stranger and Ritu for comforting me. Thx a lot. So there r women who feel the same as me - now I am not feeling any guilt or that anything is wrong with me.
Stranger, he has slapped me in the past 2 times and also hit me with a pen once and been violent a couple of more times. But that is all in the past. we r married for 10 yrs now and he is not violent anymore - touch wood - coz the last time he turned violent i created a big scene in the house - his parents were there , my brother and father were also there - that was 2 yrs back - on our anniversary day - the plain reason was I refused to have sex with him in the afternoon (i was feeling v. awkward with so many people in the house) though u close the doors it is not very comfortable u know. After that day he seems to be on the right track !!!!! but has used abusive language a couple of times for which I firmly told him to mind his words. Now he is also conscious about the kids hearing what he is saying etc. so I think his behaviour has bettered with time. Anyway I cannot help feeling paranoid about his coming. And u know I cannot exactly say that I love him also. - i do like him for some good qualities that he has - he is truthful, principle-centered, doting father, helpful etc. and I believe that love does not exist as an independent emotion - it is a thorough combination of respect, trust, admiration and fondness that develops with the passage of time. So i guess for me to say that I truly love him , there is still a long way to go !!!!
Thanks to u both once again. ritu replied. Exactly same is happening with me . YOu have taken my words to express feelings.My hubby was away for 1 week n now he is also returning n i am passing through same phase as u r describing ...
I am also exactly in same situation ,so cant help u much but just to let u know that you are not alone .I am not guilty in my feelings either . I know very well why i am feeling like that n who is more responsible for that .
Good Luck Stranger replied. Hi there,

Well hope he doesn' t beat u. Incase he does, no points on living with him caz what I feel from ur letter is that u don' t love him, u and ur kids njoy without him a lot. U dont miss him.

Anyways incase he wants to keep his house tip top, let him do that. Clealiness is good, but to an extent. About the rules, discuss with him, tell that u and kids r uncomfortable with it to some extent. Also he has no right too rule ur life.

Better be clear rather than keeping it to urself. Communication is very important for any successful relationship.