Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi Friends
I got married 6 years back and since then we r staying in US .I have problem with my MIL .Since i am not staying in India my mom keeps in touch with my MIL on the phone ,when ever my mom call's her she will always say some thing bad and hurts my mom always , poor thing is my mom wont say back to anybody she will think god is there and he is seeing every thing.she will never take me and my mom to any of her relatives house even on the occassion like any function or some body is dead ,but she wants to visit my parents's side relatives and attend all the functions .if we attend any function from her side she will make sure that we r not talking with her relatives,and some time if we give her the news(any news from my relatives side like anybody is sick or any delivery)she will tell to my relatives that my mom has informed her so late .if my mom and dad r not well my mil is least bothered to make phone call atleast but some thing happens to my parents relatives she will be first always .she will make tiffins and take to hospital etc etc .When i tell to my husband any thing what his mom did he will shout at me and misunderstans me and my mom ,he developing a sort anger towards my mom saying that my mom teaches me all bad things etc and we have fights only because of what my mom say to me .What my MIL does is itself pain full but my husbands behaviour is making it worst .I can never tell him what his mom does with us ,he will put all the blame on me and my mom .Pleas tell me friends what i can do ... sandhya replied. Hi Shreshta

First of all.... do not worry and spoil ur mood and health... be strong

My advice to u from experience is....

- Tell Ur mom not to contact ur in-laws... unless it is ur mom's bro or dad's bro children marriage etc... do not invite ur mom in law.... since u r not there why do ur parents have to keep in touch and get hurt.... not necessary... if mom in law complains to ur hubby... just ignore it...some sons do not like their moms complaining and some hubbies do not even have to time to talk to their mom in detail....atleast it will go in this one worry that they r not inviting etc... and even ur parents will live in peace...

- Let ur mom call them one in 15 days or a month and say hello... and tell her to tell ur mom in law that she is very busy and is unable to call often....

- When u know that the lady is bad... there is no point in contacting or creating a relationship... it will just hurt u and ur mom... specially ur mom... why does ur mom have to go thru all this... am sure she must have gone thru this with her mom in law why should she go thru this again... Not fair..... so U take charge and tell ur mom to listen to how u say... and tell her to stop contacting ur in laws unless it is very very important....

- Even I go thru the same thing....but my mom is the trouble shooter.... inspite of my in laws not in the same state as my moms.... whenever I call my mom she will complain that my in laws do not call etc... and all that... I just tell her that my mom in law is very busy etc and just leave it at that..... but still there will be complains I just ignore it... coz I know she just demands for more attention... unneccesary attention... I normally not do let my mom or in laws down in front of both of them... when there is a very imp close cousins wedding.. I make sure my mom invites my in laws and my in laws invite my mom.... thats it... if it is not an important function.... I do not bother...

- But if either ur in laws or ur parents recieve invite... tell ur mom to just go attend the function say hi and come back soon... and if ur mom in laws goes for a function tell ur mom to just adjust that time.... ur mom will definitely adjust coz she knows how ur mom in law is and that she will never change....

- I used to fight a lot in the beginning with my hubby about my parents and his parents..... and the result was that we used to fight and be angry with each other and instead of having fun when we r together we used to fight and when I think back I realise how much of time we wasted fighting..(specially when it is not about ur or our kids)... coz nowadays with kind of work schedule men have its difficult to spend long time with our husbands and sometimes they r soo stressed they just come home just to eat and sleep.... so I feel we should make the best use of the time we have together and be happy...

- let me tell u one thing... in all marriages 90% of the fight between hubby and wife is coz of their parents....

our parents should be a part of our lives and not our lives....

- DO not fight about this to ur hubby and make ur lives miserable... its not worth it... definitely ur hubby will not listen to U... when u complain about his mom... specially when he is far away from his parents .... so do not discuss any of this with ur hubby.... tell ur mom to stop/minimise contact ..... for the first few days or months... u will hear complaints from ur in laws... just ignore it... and give them reasons like even u r not able to get ur mom .... she is very busy etc.... its ok if ur in laws know u guys r lying..... atleast they will get the message and stop troubling ur mom.....

I hope my suggestions and advice help U.....
Good2All replied. Hi friend,

From reading your message i understand that you are from a family of good background. Everything that had happened till now leave it for heaven's sake. Talk to your husband and ur MIL frankly emphasizing that you are not of bad kind and also start doing things that will make them feel comfortable like as you said if anyone from your MIL side is not feeling well, take interest in caring for them and wishing them to get well soon. The only way you can be happy is that finding some key areas to make even the people who dislike us. U are already of good nature as ur mail confirms but u can little further ahead in ur goodness. Be always good to all in turn do not expect anything. You will be cared by the one whom you expect to care...