Relationships  Discussion Forum

My husband and I are doing good in life. My husband also helps his relations/friends/colleagues with jobs/assistance a lot. The problem is he is always over doing things for others which makes people to eventually take him for granted example 1) He got a job for his friend who was unlaid for nearly 10 years. Now that person is going to get married. Both myself and my husband were very happy about this. But this fellow even went to the extent of critising my cooking/house keeping in front of all our friends and relations. Eventually after a long ignorance of his attitude, I had to rebuff back on his fiancee's skill (which is next to zero) in cooking/house keeping. Later this person began giving importance a lot to other friends/relations ignoring my husband totally.
example 2)My husband would invite his relations to our house and serve them till he turns into a pauper. Later he will ask me to pitch in my salary (which I had saved for my children) to ammend the expense. After enjoying the hospitality, his relations/friends will not praise him but will accept it as a part of his psycology (or rather take it for granted) and appreciate someone else who has doen next to nothing for them.
example 3) His mother would cry to him day/night from India about his sister-in-law and my husband's brother. But as soon as she see them, she will totally ignore my husband and start being chummy to his brother and his wife. However my brother-in-law would be very stern to his mother whereas his wife was very willy nilly. The whole family knows about this (including my mother-in-law).Meanwhile, my husband would have cried and laughed along with her. But all in vain as soon as she see them. The moment she see them my b-i-l and his family become a hero and my poor husband is the joker as the usual. It is very delicate to be the spouse of a person who is taken for granted.
The problem is that I do not think it is wrong to extend hospitality/assist other people. But I feel people should not allow others to enter in their self respect. And if any one invades your self respect we should withdraw a bit decently (perhaps reply in one lines or something to that effect without completely breaking the relationship). I find married ladies (whose husband speaks very little to others but maintain a firm look) have more respect than ladies who please their husband in serving his relations/friends. I am not a dog but an human being too. I too have self-respect and cry inwardly everytime my husband makes a goose out of himself thereby making the family a laughing stock. Successful married ladies please advise. NB replied. Hi x,

I can understrand ur problem. I am also in kid same boat as u r. My hubby is also very generous.He opens his house,money for everyone and his brother always gets credit. He is so innocent/introvert that from inside he knows that he is overdoing it..but still he does.

I dont know what to say but all I do is ending up bursting..which I know will not work for longer and is not good also.At times I try to speak to him patiently also but then also we end up arguing..:(( ..otherwise my life is good except for this part..

I dont know what to do.. Chakrika replied. \" It is very delicate to be the spouse of a person who is taken for granted.\"

_ True are these words Ria replied. Well, dear- I see your husband as a dignified person. It appears from you somewhere that you too like his this quality however too much of it has started to bother you. Have you heard of the saying “Life consists not in holding good cards, but playing those which you hold well”? Your husband has a very good quality- and as a wife, you should compliment it rather then ask him to change. I too understand your plea of why you would be feeling “taken for granted” and “loosing your self dignity” kind of thing. I see that your hubby gets happiness in helping others out and also being hospital is a nice gesture. What matters more to you- his happiness or other people acknowledgement? Even though I am new in the marriage myself (1/5 yrs) I have dropped down my expectation level from others. I would suggest you to try doing the same. I know subconscious mind would try and remind you of the fact- but trust me if you would come to the terms and see your husband’s smile at the end, try and forget and see it as it brings smile on his face and feel contented. Try to enjoy the moments rather then cribbing and expecting recognition from the people. There are so many different people in society and you both as a couple can’t take on the duty on your shoulders to make everyone around happy. I will give you an example- when you go and attend a marriage party, no matter how decent the venue and the arrangement is, people are bound to talk (may not on face but on back) –ve. They might show appreciation by saying fake words but many people do turn around & talk about what they didn’t like and what is missing. Bottomline is, it’s very tough to get real appreciation.

As far as the self respect factor is concerned, try and talk to your husband and share with him if you feel the hospitable approach is over done. You might have to pitch in to create that balance. Talk openly and let him know that may be you would want to do something other then just inviting people like going to movies, or doing other activities which interest both of you. Talking less or more doesn’t create more or subtract self respect from a person, it’s the one’s self confidence that brings low or high self esteem And above all- show him that your respect him. It has to first come from you and then other will definitely follow.

I hope this helps!
All the best 