Relationships  Discussion Forum

When everyone seems to be having MIL, SIL Issues, I have this strange problem with my Mother.
I am working woman and have a 3 yr old son , As my mom stays close to my place, she takes care of my son. The arrangement is for my parents to come to my place in the morning and go back in the evening.That way my son doesnt mess up their home and my parents need not cook food .. and they can have lunch /dinner in my place itself.
Also I made sure to keep a maid who stays with me to take care of all other household stuff and also takes my son to park for playing. My hubby is also a real nice guy and never says a word to them .. In fact he treats them as lovingly and respectfully as his own parents .. Always joking with my mom so she feels at home.

Now the situation is :
My mom hardly goes back to her home. She stays in my place only .. She goes back once a week that too for one or 2 hours. I didnt mind that at all .. Afterall she is my mother and has full rights to stay in my place.

Now the problem is my moms behaviour . She has always been of dominating nature .. now she insists everything needs to be done her way in my home ... Initially I didnt say a word as I needed her help to raise my son which she does very well (May be better than me ).. and I really love her and didnt want to hurt her feelings in any way !

But from past couple of months I am starting to feel irritated and upset with her dominating nature.
Few examples
1) what needs to be cooked is decided by her and she starts cooking even before I come home
So in case I want to try some new dish and I call her asking her not to cook , her reply is \";I have already cooked food ..its half done ..you try ur dish some other day \";

2) If I get some side dish for my taste buds from restaurant she yells at me , that I am not eating home made food ..

3) My son enjoys eating on his own , esp with his dad .. So I have told my mom a 100 times not to feed him dinner early .. But my request goes unheard. She gives him dinner before my hubby comes home. Even If I am at home, she will not listen to me and insists he is hungry and needs dinner.

4) If my son falls sick or has a fall , she will start off blaming me or hubby that we are irresponsible etc etc

5) If we take him out on weekend .. she has some 100 suggesstions which we dont need like dont feed him outside .. dont take him in cold air .. and some silly such things which can give a feeling to others that we are not good parents

I understand she cares for my son ... but her over reactive nature is irritating me. I feel getting a viral fever or having falls in garden or falling while riding a cycle are all part of growing up ...But she doesnt think so .. she is always ready to blame.

And another imp thing she constantly tries to prove to us that without her we wudnt be able to bring up our son ... In an attempt to prove that she goes around telling all our relatives and friends that we would never be able to raise a kid without her help and we are totally dependent on her....

Now I feel , my hubby is also slowly starting to realise this but he is not saying anything as he feels it will hurt me and her.
Now I feel so confused on what to do .. I dont want to say anything rude and hurt her .. but at the same time dont want hubby to start finding this a big nuisance and say \";Ask ur mom not to come ..I will ask my parents to come down\"; then I will end up in even bigger trouble.

How do you ppl think I should handle this ?

Sorry for a long mail ....but i couldnt discuss this with anyone .. Its looks like I am such a mean person that I complaint abt my mom .. but I dont know what to do ..

Thanks,
Roopa


ridhima replied. Hi Roopa,
i know at times our mother find it difficult to cut the umbilical cord and it cab get on our nerves as we are adults now
we have our own opinions, our own views and our own ways to run our household. my mother asks me to hide a part of my sal from my husband and stash it for my old age.
they do it coz they went through all this alone with no help.maybe ur grandmother was not there for ur mother so she thnks she is doing her bit by being with u
the idea of calling ur inlaws is good.
wat u can do is butter up ur mom by saying that ur inlaws want to come and u dont want to look shoddy in front of them. else this wud reflect badly on her. ask her to teach u one dish everyday.pamper her ego and later ask ur MIL to tell ur mom in a nice way that she should let u alone. in case ur MIL is not that helping try ur husband instead of her.
she will feel hurt but not for long.
all the best Jeena replied. Dear Roopa

I was sailing in the boat as you a few days back. We were in a different city and I am working too, so my mom came and stayed with us. She was doing the cooking, but it was not this bad, she used to get annoyed about my husband's weekend beer and watching TV and his habits which are like not so much of problem to me. But even I could not do anything as I knew even I wouldn't take care of my child the way she did.
things really were not going good and one day my hubby told me that she is going beyond limits and I started feeling frightened. Now we are back in our city and I stay with in-laws - now I feel it was good when mom was there but this life is better.

you said your son is 3 years of age. Haven't u put him in a pre-school? Which city are u staying in? Tell your mom that he should go to a school and that the school van will drop the kid at their place. See something close to their place. Evening when u go back, u take your kid with you and go to your home. May be you can just say that your in-laws feel you cannot take care of your baby yourself and you have to prove them. Bring your in-laws for a couple of months and then don't invite your mom once they leave. We should only know how to draw a line.

Don't worry about people who say you are cribbing. In your shoes they would have done the same. I also love my mother as much as I love my husband and kid but that doesn't mean we have to give in for everything.

Take care and post the happenings.

Love
Jeena Vipin replied. Roopa,
Just follow the good old Indian tradition... which has evolved over centuries and I am a great believer of our culture and tradition which is time tested and can't go wrong. The tradition is that ' a girls' mother should never stay with the girl after she has married'. It is defined in 'Kanya dan' that is done at the time of marriage. She can visit on invitation or stay for short durations but NEVER live. You will bound to have problems and would never evolve as a person. 'Familiarity breeds contempt'- goes the English saying. She seems to be very caring but you are losing her because she is staying with you. Instead, let her be at her own house and you be at your own and visit her on the weekends.
Try this out..... you would never regret.
Chao Aparna replied. Just imagine your life without her..now compare your life, even though she interfear.which one is better??..so don't complain.God will take away the things which you have, if you complain what you don't have.I lost my mom 5 years back, till now i cry for her.when you described her the way she is..belive me my mom was exactly like that.I think you don't have any problem in life..you are getting bored of tensed free life.simply making life complicated. riya replied. i can understand you but the problem is that she is your own mother then everybody will suggest that bear it.had she been your MIL doing the same things all would have suggest to kick her out. got it?
now the problem is of space that you need.the first thing that in life there are limits in every relation and if somebody cross that limit you need to remind in a very subtle and firm way. slowly work towards the goal of handling things at your own when you are at home. try to do the stuff in your own way so that there is no room left for your mother but sweety remember one thing be it a mother or MIL, we should respect our elders and very gently and indirectly do the things according to our own way.
all the best!! :Sun replied. Your mom is so nice and caring. What is the problem , now . She is very loving natured person, she treats your husband and his child as her own children. Let her feel happy by doing all these things , I dont think your husband has any problem with her. The problem is only with you.You change your mentality.

When someone loves more to a woman , then there is a problem. When someone is more caring to a woman, then there is a problem. When some doesnt care , then there is a problem.When someone goes away , then there is a problem. When someone comes , then there is a problem.


What the hell yaar, what do you creature want basically ?