Ours is a love + arranged marriage. Before my husband, I was looking for arranged matches and so was he. Then I met him and got married finally. He was in US and I in India and we were mostly communicating thru chats and phone calls before we got engaged. When I got married and came to US with him, I kind of found out that he had some friends as girls. That is understandable and I didn’t raise any objections as only loyalty is what I was looking forward for and I too had some male friends myself. I later found out that some of his friends who were gurls were also interested in him and with some arranged marriage proposals also happened via families. They are still in touch and talk to each other. I haven’t said it straight but my husband somewhat realize my discomfort and now he avoids talking to them in front of me. I found this out when sometimes, I see missed call on his cell or open chats on computer. I feel jealous and I don’t know how to adjust to this situation. I also feel that they have long chats behind me. I don’t want to bring it up to him often coz I feel that it would make him feel that I don’t trust him. I totally trust him, all I am not comfortable with him is talking to those gurls who were interested in him before marriage. Is it normal? I am psychotic? Shall I confront him? If yes, how? Please advise.
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Ours is a love + arranged marriage. Before my husband, I was looking for arranged matches and so was he. Then I met him and got married finally. He was in US and I in India and we were mostly communicating thru chats and phone calls before we got engaged. When I got married and came to US with him, I kind of found out that he had some friends as girls. That is understandable and I didn’t raise any objections as only loyalty is what I was looking forward for and I too had some male friends myself. I later found out that some of his friends who were gurls were also interested in him and with some arranged marriage proposals also happened via families. They are still in touch and talk to each other. I haven’t said it straight but my husband somewhat realize my discomfort and now he avoids talking to them in front of me. I found this out when sometimes, I see missed call on his cell or open chats on computer. I feel jealous and I don’t know how to adjust to this situation. I also feel that they have long chats behind me. I don’t want to bring it up to him often coz I feel that it would make him feel that I don’t trust him. I totally trust him, all I am not comfortable with him is talking to those gurls who were interested in him before marriage. Is it normal? I am psychotic? Shall I confront him? If yes, how? Please advise.
sandhya replied. Hi Ria...
I have read all the replies and ur side of the story too...
I think everyone here have given very good advice/suggestions..... but still if u feel u r not able to handle the situation.... I think U should do a small drama..... u can ask ur girlfriend to play a male friend and maybe even make her call ur home and ask for u in a male voice... its just a suggestion coz nothing seems to work out for U... and start a friendship just for ur hubby... and tell ur hubby its school/college or old colleague/neighbour which ever is convenient and beliveable.... and do all things he does to U when he is around those ladies... like when ur friend calls tell him/her that u will call later when ur hubby is near u.... and try to make him start to feel like how u feel..... and then see how he takes it.... if he confronts.... then start telling him thats how u feel when he talks to those ladies... and then he will be speachless... and then try to make him understand how U will feel... at that time he will definitely undertstad coz he is also in the same situation...... and tell him when he has the freedom to do what he chooses then u also have the same freedom..... and that he should also give u that space and freedom.... and then see how he reacts..... if he really opens up to U then just tell him that it is an old friend and u will stop contacting that person... but DO NOT TELL HIM THE TRUTH......
Marriage nowadays is 50-50 relationship... there has to be effort from both the ends....However, I am just suggesting U coz nothing else seems to work..... it ur choice to do it or not do it..... its just an idea....
All I can tell is... do not confront him... do not be at his mercy.... if he gets to know ur insecure then he might start taking advantage of U... not in this situation but in other situations..... coz the more u start getting close to him in such a situation the more he will try to go away from U...so give him his space... and U try to concentrate on ur daily routine.... try to make more friends... go to some yoga or painting classes... try to keep ur self busy.... do not keep watching ur hubby all the time.... it will get anybody irritated....
Don't be a parent be a partner..... if he does something and if he does not realise he is hurting u... do the same to him and see how he feels.... and then tell him that how u felt when he did it to U.....
Let me tell at one stage or the other every wife goes thru this.... it just takes time to move on... so be strong... do not show ur weakness to ur hubby.. coz they will take advantage of it... does ur hubby confront any such thing to U.... if he does then u can too if he does not then don't do it.... don't give in all ur insecurities and make him secure to take advantage of U..... be fair coz ur his partner.....
I do really hope my advice/suggeations help U..... do not worry too much its all lil stuggles in marriages.... it'll pass on... do not hold it.. it will make u and ur hubby unhappy .... let it go and move on.... after somedays ur hubby will see how strong u r and he will just get bored of having lady friends.... how long do u think these ladies r going to flirt with him.... not long coz they also have a life.. they will get boyfriends and ultimately they too will get married and move on... he is not the only man on this earth and when they all just move on with their lives... ur hubby will realise how valuable u r to him..... let him learn his own mistakes... he will come to U.... no matter what so just let him make those mistake and learn by himself.... do not protect him.... but make sure u r there for him... am sure he is just trying to feel young and wanted thats it... so keep watching and play along....
Ria am nowhere trying to hurt u or ur hubby.... am just giving u some thoughts of mine... and somethings that I have learnt as a wife and trying to tell U......
I hope I have helped U.....
All the best.... be happy.....
priya replied.
This is my analysis after my 8 years of marriage ....
In my opinion some ppl are that way .. They find it cool to have casual friendships, friendly chats with other women even after being married. May be they enjoy the attention or the fact that there are women who still enjoy his company and like to talk to him .. Its more like a boost to their male ego.
Then there are other set of ppl like you and me for whom such friendships are not acceptable in the boundaries of marriage.
The problem starts when two such ppl end up as husband and Wife !!!
In such circumstances one needs to change... If you are over suspicious, always doubting, he will hide more from you. Thats any mans obvious reaction. If Wife doesnt like something, dont tell her .. Hide it from her. May it be smoking or a talking to a female friend ...
Also being suspicious , reading his msgs or checking his calls, will do \" NO\" good to you!
Believe me its a kind of diesease, its slowly starts to become a habit of checking his personal stuff(Mails /msgs )in a hope that you will find something fishy and you will be proved correct !!! And everytime there is a missed call , all sort of imaginary stories , start ruining ur peace. You cant even confront every time as you know its wrong to read someones chat or msgs ... You will only end up pissing him off even more.
So my sincere request .. Stop doing that ..You will start going crazy !!
But on the other hand, its good to have one st fwd open chat with him ... Tell him ur anxieties and take a assurance from him that he will not do anything that will cause both of you immense pain !!
May be encourage him to introduce those females to you .. After that you will stop feeling left out ...
Vipin replied. Hi Ria,
I as a husband can tell you that the wives unnecessarily feel jealous and insecure. Your husband is yours but he also moves around and has a friend circle and that would also include women. Let him talk to them and be very casual about it. If you suspect him or confront him he still would talk to other women behind your back. Infact, call these women over to house and see how they interact with your husband in front of you. If they are having an affair, then their way of talking would be abnormal and uneasy. Otherwise they would laugh and talk like friends.
If you try to hold sand tightly it slips out of your hand. So if you give him space and make your own friend circle, I can assure you, he would get more attracted towards you.That's my guarantee. Best of Luck
post back
Sweety replied. Don't worry.
Just tell him how u feel.
What u r feeling is normal only.
Tell him ur mind wishes to have more of his love.
I also feel very bad vn my husband talks too closely to his girl friends
and vn he gives lifts to them in front seat.
Since i am housewife i started comparing myself with them and started worrying that i am no good.
I also feel same like u many many times.
Tell him ur feeliings in a positive way.
Never never confront him.
ria replied. I want to add that this is making me feel very insecure and making me loose my self confidence. I have started comparing myself with them and feel as I am no good. I really want to get over with this feeling, hence pls offer advise!
2007-01-03
#1
Name: sandhya Subject: Hi
Hi Ria...
I have read all the replies and ur side of the story too...
I think everyone here have given very good advice/suggestions..... but still if u feel u r not able to handle the situation.... I think U should do a small drama..... u can ask ur girlfriend to play a male friend and maybe even make her call ur home and ask for u in a male voice... its just a suggestion coz nothing seems to work out for U... and start a friendship just for ur hubby... and tell ur hubby its school/college or old colleague/neighbour which ever is convenient and beliveable.... and do all things he does to U when he is around those ladies... like when ur friend calls tell him/her that u will call later when ur hubby is near u.... and try to make him start to feel like how u feel..... and then see how he takes it.... if he confronts.... then start telling him thats how u feel when he talks to those ladies... and then he will be speachless... and then try to make him understand how U will feel... at that time he will definitely undertstad coz he is also in the same situation...... and tell him when he has the freedom to do what he chooses then u also have the same freedom..... and that he should also give u that space and freedom.... and then see how he reacts..... if he really opens up to U then just tell him that it is an old friend and u will stop contacting that person... but DO NOT TELL HIM THE TRUTH......
Marriage nowadays is 50-50 relationship... there has to be effort from both the ends....However, I am just suggesting U coz nothing else seems to work..... it ur choice to do it or not do it..... its just an idea....
All I can tell is... do not confront him... do not be at his mercy.... if he gets to know ur insecure then he might start taking advantage of U... not in this situation but in other situations..... coz the more u start getting close to him in such a situation the more he will try to go away from U...so give him his space... and U try to concentrate on ur daily routine.... try to make more friends... go to some yoga or painting classes... try to keep ur self busy.... do not keep watching ur hubby all the time.... it will get anybody irritated....
Don't be a parent be a partner..... if he does something and if he does not realise he is hurting u... do the same to him and see how he feels.... and then tell him that how u felt when he did it to U.....
Let me tell at one stage or the other every wife goes thru this.... it just takes time to move on... so be strong... do not show ur weakness to ur hubby.. coz they will take advantage of it... does ur hubby confront any such thing to U.... if he does then u can too if he does not then don't do it.... don't give in all ur insecurities and make him secure to take advantage of U..... be fair coz ur his partner.....
I do really hope my advice/suggeations help U..... do not worry too much its all lil stuggles in marriages.... it'll pass on... do not hold it.. it will make u and ur hubby unhappy .... let it go and move on.... after somedays ur hubby will see how strong u r and he will just get bored of having lady friends.... how long do u think these ladies r going to flirt with him.... not long coz they also have a life.. they will get boyfriends and ultimately they too will get married and move on... he is not the only man on this earth and when they all just move on with their lives... ur hubby will realise how valuable u r to him..... let him learn his own mistakes... he will come to U.... no matter what so just let him make those mistake and learn by himself.... do not protect him.... but make sure u r there for him... am sure he is just trying to feel young and wanted thats it... so keep watching and play along....
Ria am nowhere trying to hurt u or ur hubby.... am just giving u some thoughts of mine... and somethings that I have learnt as a wife and trying to tell U......
I hope I have helped U.....
All the best.... be happy.....
2007-01-07
#2
Name: tiu Subject: practical advise - good
Dear Sandhya,
You seem to be a very practical person. Can you advise to " husband too innocent/simpleton" and " dumb husband" . I almost sail in the same boat as these.
2007-01-02
#3
Name: priya Subject: My suggestion !
This is my analysis after my 8 years of marriage ....
In my opinion some ppl are that way .. They find it cool to have casual friendships, friendly chats with other women even after being married. May be they enjoy the attention or the fact that there are women who still enjoy his company and like to talk to him .. Its more like a boost to their male ego.
Then there are other set of ppl like you and me for whom such friendships are not acceptable in the boundaries of marriage.
The problem starts when two such ppl end up as husband and Wife !!!
In such circumstances one needs to change... If you are over suspicious, always doubting, he will hide more from you. Thats any mans obvious reaction. If Wife doesnt like something, dont tell her .. Hide it from her. May it be smoking or a talking to a female friend ...
Also being suspicious , reading his msgs or checking his calls, will do \" NO\" good to you!
Believe me its a kind of diesease, its slowly starts to become a habit of checking his personal stuff(Mails /msgs )in a hope that you will find something fishy and you will be proved correct !!! And everytime there is a missed call , all sort of imaginary stories , start ruining ur peace. You cant even confront every time as you know its wrong to read someones chat or msgs ... You will only end up pissing him off even more.
So my sincere request .. Stop doing that ..You will start going crazy !!
But on the other hand, its good to have one st fwd open chat with him ... Tell him ur anxieties and take a assurance from him that he will not do anything that will cause both of you immense pain !!
May be encourage him to introduce those females to you .. After that you will stop feeling left out ...
2007-01-02
#4
Name: Ria Subject: thanks for the advice
I guess you are right. It is a privacy and noone would feel good once they know that they are been spied. I will take your advise and stop doing that however I don’t see that as a conclusive thing to a problem. I have my circle of friends too- but to tell you the truth he knows the details of each and every friend of mine be it a boy or a gurl. There are times, when I had a massive break down in front of him coz of the insecure feeling. I have out of emotional stress- told him that if you think I am no good, you are free bird and can go ahead and be with his friends if he likes. And he feels that I have become over possessive about him.
2006-12-31
#5
Name: Vipin Subject: Give him space
Hi Ria,
I as a husband can tell you that the wives unnecessarily feel jealous and insecure. Your husband is yours but he also moves around and has a friend circle and that would also include women. Let him talk to them and be very casual about it. If you suspect him or confront him he still would talk to other women behind your back. Infact, call these women over to house and see how they interact with your husband in front of you. If they are having an affair, then their way of talking would be abnormal and uneasy. Otherwise they would laugh and talk like friends.
If you try to hold sand tightly it slips out of your hand. So if you give him space and make your own friend circle, I can assure you, he would get more attracted towards you.That's my guarantee. Best of Luck
post back
2007-01-02
#6
Name: Ria Subject: thanks for understanding
Thanks Vipin.. its really nice of you to give me a man’s perspective. Yes, you are right in stating that I feel insecure- and its has started to seep in a lot more then I expected. I am totally confused. I have already tried ways of getting to know more about those female friends/ Infact I have tried convincing him to invite them over to our house, but it seems like falling on deaf ears. Meaning he would either try to change the topic, ignore such conversation or would give an excuse- they are too busy. Now I have stopped even asking him to invite. I have not confronted him and don’t want to do so as I understand there isn’t anything between them. If that calls for trust (I guess I do that a lot). Infact to be frank, if they are nice females- I am open to being friends with them. But I somehow feel that my husband is not comfortable with this idea otherwise he would surely do so just like his other group friends which include females and I don’t have issues with them at all. Coz I know of their history (they interested in my husband before marriage) may be a factor of them feeling not comfortable with the situation but in the end I have started feeling uncomfortable of the whole situation. For instance, there is one friend who he used to call his very good friend, and later while discussing in front of his family, his parents kinda blurted out her name & told that she was very much interested in him. I could henceforth connect the threads and since then my husband has stopped talking about her.
There are times, when they would call and if I am in front, my husband would tell them that he would call them later…such reactions and situations are making me think more in a –ve way. I really want to get over with all this. But I can’t think of a solution. I don’t want to hurt him, don’t want to confront him, I don’t want to intrude in his space either but all I want to stop getting the insecure feeling. I want to stop feeling bad & chill out and don’t want feel bothered whenever such things happen.
2006-12-30
#7
Name: Sweety Subject: Dont worry
Don't worry.
Just tell him how u feel.
What u r feeling is normal only.
Tell him ur mind wishes to have more of his love.
I also feel very bad vn my husband talks too closely to his girl friends
and vn he gives lifts to them in front seat.
Since i am housewife i started comparing myself with them and started worrying that i am no good.
I also feel same like u many many times.
Tell him ur feeliings in a positive way.
Never never confront him.
2006-12-30
#8
Name: ria Subject: another thing....
I want to add that this is making me feel very insecure and making me loose my self confidence. I have started comparing myself with them and feel as I am no good. I really want to get over with this feeling, hence pls offer advise!
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Hi
Name: tiu
practical advise - good
My suggestion !
thanks for the advice
Give him space
another thing....
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