Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hello!

I am almost on the verge of giving up. Nothing seems to be working between us anymore. Even after daily patches and sorries, me and my hubby are fighting over small trivial matters the very next day. I hate to say this but I don’t think this relationship is working out. I really don’t know what the solution is. I have probably have tried whatever is possible- may be its just me who is not up to my husband and his family’s standard. Okay, I know this all might be sounding a lot confusing so just to clear up the matter here are instances, which might explain a bit more.

Last few weeks have been hard. And just not to spoil the matter further, I am watching myself before saying anything. I don’t voice my opinion even I am asked to coz if I have a difference of opinion- I might come up as a –ve person (this is just coming from the past). After a hectic day at work, all I look forward to see my hubby and have nice words with him. I see him the only soul who could make me feel relaxed and comfortable when I reach home and be what I am. However as soon as I reach home, he is usually busy with his parents or pick up other chores and don’t devote any time with me except for the fact he says hi. All in all we just get 10-15 mins to talk that too on the phone when we are on way to work respectively. Again, I do feel neglected and I understand that this is just a temp phase and soon, we will have time with ourselves when my in-laws will go back to India. In return, if there are some special matters to discuss, I take emails as a route (my purpose remains to reach my husband which I find difficult otherwise). This is not decently taken either. He feels that those 10-15 mins are enough to discuss things and it’s just me who feels that we have a communication gap. Email is not a good route to follow between husband and wife. I understand that men don’t think the way we women do, and they don’t see that we women need attention to feel emotionally stable. But if I am trying to help myself in filling up the comm. Gap (which I feel we do have), is that wrong? It appears I am literally begging him to give me attention and try to make my presence felt in his life. Though it appears hard for me, I am struggling to overcome such thoughts too. But matter doesn’t stop here. He now picks up a fight/ heated discussion over small lil things that I do or say. If he asks me an opinion on something (eg: I think I would go with this medicine, what say?), and I say “you do whatever appears best to you”, he complains that even though I say that, my behavior while saying is –ve towards him. He feels I frown at him.

All these issues have broken me internally. After talking to other friends, I feel better and decide everyday “today I won’t let any discussion happen” and I would try to make things happy and cheerful back again, but I fail. I really don’t see any direction today. I try to be logical, but my limit gets exhausted easily now and I give up. I have also stated him recently that if he wants to be free, he is free from my side coz things are not rolling smooth. If that would make him happy, so be it. I love him a lot and I can’t see him in pain either. He is a good human and I know for sure, probably its just me who is not getting adjusted. May be I am expecting a lot as a wife? He says he cares and love me too.

I feel totally as a stranger in the house now- where I don’t get any support from my hubby forget alone his family. I want a friend, my soul mate not a hostel mate. I feel stranded today where i cant even go back to my parents or anyone among my family as I don’t want to bother them as well. Do we have a way? Seeing a marriage counselor would be a good advice, however I don’t see the counselors here would understand our issues properly coz of cultural indifferences and I have goggled on the web and don’t see any Indian counselors around.

I really wish that you reply to this post as soon as possible. I don’t want to end up having a weekend which is full of stress again. SONYA replied. hi,

First of all....this is a very long post.
Some people probably skip this because
it was so long!

Listening to your post.....I really think
there is a chance that you can improve
it.

For one thing......You and him don't
talk. And when you talk. You are using
words that sound like you don't care for
one another. lets, use your own example
(you do whatever appears best to you)
the word whatever---is telling him
that you don't care.

I would feel the same way. And...to hear
this from the person I love- is kinda
disappointing. Or the word (I don't
care) please don't use those words.

Just picture yourself switching!
okay......example: you are having a great
day at work. You come home, and you can't
wait to see your husband. You tell him
\" honey....lets go out to eat tonight\"
he tells you: --do what ever you want,
I don't care!

How would you feel?---(slap him first!)
right, but you probably feel depress
then start questioning yourself. You
don't deserve this.

My comments: learn to talk to him
without using those kind of \" careless\"
words. It sound wierd....but I went
through a similar phase. I actually
realize this one day....when I had
a big fight with my husband the first
year of my marriage. We talk and talk
and tears was coming down...a mess!
(I don't want to go into details) the
point was: everything that we always
wanted to say to one another was bought
up. And.......I think this is the
problem. No communication, and when
there is....it's not pleasant hearing.

I really hope that you patch things up
with your Husband. Don't expect to much
from him(sweet words, calling, e-mail,
gifts) sometime...we have to do these
things, in order for them to wake up
and come to their sense.

kumar replied. Mystery : It appears from your post that you are in US, in any case my strong suggestion would be to go in for a IC(Individual Counselling) immediately. And after learning a bit more about yourself and your problem through those sessions, you have to consider MC(Marriage Counselling). Of course your H needs to be talked to before that and he needs be convinced. Do not loose time, do not wait for ILs to travel back, run and attempt saving your M RIGHT NOW.

The other suggestion I have is visit a site called `Key Bridge Center Discussion' board. Run a google search, it should come on top. They may be discussing different kind of problems but even you may have a lot to learn there, its a site without the crap and filth of this IP boards.

I pray for your strength and will to save your M. Please do keep posting. parul replied. XZY is right.

you have 2 current probs
- your husb's behavior
- your feelings bec of that

treat ur feelings first. Forget that hubby will support u for a while and wait for inlaws to go back.

do everything else that u like and makes u happy. Show him u dont need him. Make urself busy.
i had faced such time earlier, but i had a kid. So i used to enjoy with my kid in another room, go out with friends on weekends, do potluck at friends place, go to an ashram where orphan kids are (seeing them u ll forget all ur probs) ... just pass time for a while.

when inlaws are back, continue ur behavoir of being good to hubby. m sure he will come back.

just give it some time

keep us posted XZY replied. Don't worry about the present situation. Only time will solve any kind of problems. If you think because of these small issues and you want to get out of marriage relationship, do you think later you will be happy??
Even if you or your husband marries other person, do you think you will be happy with the other person and you will not have any differences/problems with other person. Moving out is not the solution.
You might have to just console yourself that it is a temporary problem and will pass by. Everybody will go thru this initial adjustment time with marriages and it will be smooth for few people and it might be difficult time for others. Have courage and have patience. Everything will be alright.
You might have to work some psycologial tricks with your husband like if you feel he is ingnoring you and he feels that you need him desperately, then he will do more and more. You act like you are very happy and you don't need his attention and you are not expecting anything out your husband, then he will come behind you. THis is just a suggestion.
Hope you feel better and light hearted..