Womens Issues:Worried about daughter please help.....
2006-12-03
Name: Sangini
Dear Friends,
Hi need ur help I am a working lady in the Middle east, have a nice husband, and a sweet daughter. I am working as an IT professional timings 8:00 a.m to 5:00 p.m, I had to intailly work because of financial reasons so when my daughter was just 3 months i use to leave her at home but now by the Grace of GOD she is 3years and 9 months old, she speaks very frankly and is a very active child(touch wood). she goes to play school i drop her and my husbAnds pick and drops HER TO HOME WHERE There is a maid from andra she has been looking after my daughter since she was 2months now the problem is whenever i call my daughter at home and by mistake if she keeps the phone ON and the maid thinks its OFF i hear her talk very rough with my daughter in her own lanuage it gives me Goose bumps i have heard this the 2nd or third time because this chance has be itself only 4to5 times, now i want to now what shall i do i soemtimes thinking is monay and career imp. than child that may be i am making her suffer but then my daughter has never ever complained and has always been a happy and normal child.. please suggest
Subscribe to this conversation
Reply Anonymously
Dear Friends,
Hi need ur help I am a working lady in the Middle east, have a nice husband, and a sweet daughter. I am working as an IT professional timings 8:00 a.m to 5:00 p.m, I had to intailly work because of financial reasons so when my daughter was just 3 months i use to leave her at home but now by the Grace of GOD she is 3years and 9 months old, she speaks very frankly and is a very active child(touch wood). she goes to play school i drop her and my husbAnds pick and drops HER TO HOME WHERE There is a maid from andra she has been looking after my daughter since she was 2months now the problem is whenever i call my daughter at home and by mistake if she keeps the phone ON and the maid thinks its OFF i hear her talk very rough with my daughter in her own lanuage it gives me Goose bumps i have heard this the 2nd or third time because this chance has be itself only 4to5 times, now i want to now what shall i do i soemtimes thinking is monay and career imp. than child that may be i am making her suffer but then my daughter has never ever complained and has always been a happy and normal child.. please suggest
Priya Satish replied. Hi Sangini,
After reading your post, I have started worrying about my child, he is one year 4 months old and I leave him with my maid from morning 7 till evening 7. And like many of us feels guilty for that. I too live in Dubai. I feel I should also check on how she treats my son in my absence. I think the best way out is a camera.
Maya replied. Dear Sangini,
I do agree you that leaving kids with the maid is a real nightmare but you have to compromise for the sake of bright future of your kids . I am working too and leave my son in the custody of a maid but under the supervision of my in laws. My MIL has taken premature retirement for our son because somehow deep inside me is not in favour of leaving my kid alone.
As rightly stated by the other communicate with your daughter and ask her tactfully how ur maid treats her in your absence and in your presence too. Do not scold your maid too much as you said she is highly egoist ask her politely and tell her the consequences if she treats your daughter badly. There is no doubt that kids of this age group are hyper active and know how to extract things from the others, even we parents sometime loose patience and scold them.
There is no guarantee that second maid would be better than the present one, so changing maid does not seem to be a nice idea. Take your maid in confidence and discuss the situation. Do surprise check, record their conversation either in mobile or recorder.
Regards,
saheli replied. Hi
i just red ur post today and was surprised! I always felt a lot of respect for u reading ur answers and believed u will always answer queries with right answers and never have one! The balanced ideal mother and a mature lady!
But We all are humans.
Camera is the ultimate choice i think. Wd get u straight answers. Can u order it on net?
I think ur kid is not speaking against the maid because .. either it is just ur feeling but the maid is good .. or the maid is bribing/warning the child not to speak against her ... or that the maid is just only rough to talk (no hitting) and since the kid is accustomed to her since 2m age, she doesnt find it wrong (even when we scold our kids, they forget it soon and love us).
Arranging another maid is a choice, but how wd u guarantee she is also good? U can Let her stay with someone ... say ur parents in india ... for a while so that they check her .. before u get her there.
I also agree asking maid on the way she talk to the kid. Be gentle, u r right, dont be hard on maid.
One more option is getting someone, say ur mom, for some days to ur place.
U can also give surprise visits to home to check.
keep us posted
saheli
sangini replied. I am very freindly with my daugher i have tried to ask her in different ways but her reply is the same that the maid is not hitting or scolding her but as you said i heard with my own ears yesterday can be one more thing like i thing Sonya said that may be she is hitting her and than giving her an icecream, hidden camera idea is good but don't know where to find one...
Ok to you all again i want to tell you something my maid is a damn egoistic lady sometimes if i say her something or she feels that i have caught her on something she becomes very defensive rather than saying sorry she will not talk at all really, she hardly smiles.. the only reaosn i have kept her is that my daughter is very attached to her(don't know the reason) like on thursdays when i have day my daugher always insist that she should sleep with the maid and she will go to her sometimes etc.. really it confuses me more that if the maid was rude she would never go to her.
Another thing see on her mistakes i can't shout on her hard because inside somewhere i am always insecure that she might take the venom out on my daughter and may be it may go an extreme then so my maid is very pampered we have actually pampered her ego...
Thanks for all your suggestion if you think you have any reply for this post please do...
Thanks
SONYA replied. Dear Sangini,
This is your daughter. If a maid is
giving you goose bumps......It's about
time to fire her, and start hiring another
one. It's just so obvious that she is
screaming at your child.
If any one should scream at a child....
it should be the parents, not an
outsider!
I can only imagine how hard it will be
to look for another maid....but, who
knows what else the maid is doing to
your child. She probably even hit
your kid,then give her ice cream after
wards. I am not trying to scare you,
but........Even here in the U.S, many
caretaker have been arrested for
abusive behavior toward a child.
The parents-install a hidden camera,
and it was shocking too see whats on
there.
sv replied. Hi Sangini
I really empathise with U. It is an issue every parent who works and leave their kids with caretakers worry about...
My advice to U r :
- Ask ur daughter... U say she speaks verr well etc... why don't u take ur daughter to a ice cream parlour, or park etc.... and sit with her and ask her...
- I mean do not pounce on her immediately about the maid, ask her what does the maid do when ur daughter is around and how she talks to ur daughter... and ask ur daughter if she is very naughty.. and also at the same time advice ur daughter.... about how she should be with the maid....
- Also talk to the care taker... ask her how ur daughter behaves when u r not around.... I think U should give both of them ur daughter and the caretaker a chance to express what they feel about each other before u take a decision....
- Am not trying or saying that ur daughter maybe at fault.... all am saying is she just a 3 year old kid... who wants to learn to take decisions, be independent etc.....
- since u r paying ur caretaker... tell her how ur daughter is and tell her she will get naughty, but tell ur caretaker what to do when she gets naughty... so that she does not take her own decision and shout at ur daughter....
- Also tell ur daughter that she is a caretaker....she is helping u to take care of ur daughter... and u daughter should try to be as good as she can till u or ur hubby come back home...
- As a mom to ur daughter and as a boss to ur caretaker... U have to keep a watch on both of them.... coz as parents we enjoy and tolerate everything our kids do... but I doubt caretakers will do that... tell ur caretaker the rules and limits she can disipline ur daughter coz she is an elder person and ur daughter as a kid has to obey to elders... but they both have to tell u if anything is going out of the way before they take any decision...
- Tell ur caretaker, confront ur caretaker.. whenever u hear her shouting at ur daughter.... do not be afraid.... she ur caretaker not ur mother-in-law..u pay her for her services.... why r u afraid.... just ask her calmly... ask her if ur daughter is not listening to her etc... and then listen to whats going on before u come to any conclusion....
- DO not complain/shout about the caretaker in front of ur daughter... coz she will learn to manipulate the both of U... she is a kid... she does not know whats right whats wrong u have to teach her....at the same time do not complain about ur daughter's naughtiness to ur maid.... she will start manipulating u and ur daughter... so keep both of them in good terms to each other.... so that they will get along well.....
I do understand its tough... but u as a parent, boss to ur maid u have to be in charge here...
It might seem easier to change caretaker...its not like the next caretaker will be the best... they all will be nice in the beginning but the true colours come out after sometime...... but do remember ur daughter is watching what u r doing... and she is learning something for the decisions u take... so take decision wisely....so that u inculcate good quality behaviours, character, decision making to ur daughter tooo
U also have to keep in mind that NO one can replace U or ur hubby... to ur daughter.... for ur daughter u r the one and only mom and ur hubby is one and only father.... No one can replace that.... plz do keep that in mind.... and handle ur daughter and the caretaker.....
I hope my advice/suggestions help U
di bh replied. hey its not bad you leave your kid with the maid. But just to know what is happening with the kid why dont u have a hidden camera in the house.So u will be relieved. Nowadays it doesnt hurt to be extra vigilant.
the kid is only 3 yrs old.this is the time where she shud be treated like a princess from parents and everybody.Not be to scolded by anybody.It never hurts to know whats happening with the kid in your absence.Have a hidden video camera. Hey if its nothing to worry after that well and good.Atleast you are not having doubts after this right.you can be relieved as regards to your daughter .Think about this. Do post back. best of luck.
PRIYA replied. hi sangini
I am also working mom of two kids of age ( 3yr 9mon & 2yr old ) both boys.
I also leave my kids with the maid and we stay at dubai.
Sometimes i will feel bad to leave them like that ( i was working since 7yrs and took the maternity leave only for 2months because of our earlier financial status ) but luckily we got good maid to look after the kids and my parents and inlaws will be visiting here frequently to see the maid' s behaviour with kids.
Most of times i feel guilty for leaving them like that but we are working for the bright future of kids and even the kids will become independent.
Why don't u call someone from india for sometime to check your maid's behaviour or try for any new maid if possible.
Even i would like to add that the kids of the age ( 2-4yrs ) will be very naughty and is very difficult to control them. sometimes it is not wrong if the maid's shouts on them ( even if we will be at home we will shout on them sometimes with frustration ) . Your maid is with u since long time and taking care of your kid nicely i dont think it is necessary for u to worry.Instead you can tell sometime to her to be patient.
take care and luv to your kid
verne replied. or ask her why she talks so to your child.
2006-12-05
#1
Name: Priya Satish Subject: maid
Hi Sangini,
After reading your post, I have started worrying about my child, he is one year 4 months old and I leave him with my maid from morning 7 till evening 7. And like many of us feels guilty for that. I too live in Dubai. I feel I should also check on how she treats my son in my absence. I think the best way out is a camera.
2006-12-04
#2
Name: Maya Subject: record their conversation
Dear Sangini,
I do agree you that leaving kids with the maid is a real nightmare but you have to compromise for the sake of bright future of your kids . I am working too and leave my son in the custody of a maid but under the supervision of my in laws. My MIL has taken premature retirement for our son because somehow deep inside me is not in favour of leaving my kid alone.
As rightly stated by the other communicate with your daughter and ask her tactfully how ur maid treats her in your absence and in your presence too. Do not scold your maid too much as you said she is highly egoist ask her politely and tell her the consequences if she treats your daughter badly. There is no doubt that kids of this age group are hyper active and know how to extract things from the others, even we parents sometime loose patience and scold them.
There is no guarantee that second maid would be better than the present one, so changing maid does not seem to be a nice idea. Take your maid in confidence and discuss the situation. Do surprise check, record their conversation either in mobile or recorder.
Regards,
2006-12-04
#3
Name: saheli Subject: more options
Hi
i just red ur post today and was surprised! I always felt a lot of respect for u reading ur answers and believed u will always answer queries with right answers and never have one! The balanced ideal mother and a mature lady!
But We all are humans.
Camera is the ultimate choice i think. Wd get u straight answers. Can u order it on net?
I think ur kid is not speaking against the maid because .. either it is just ur feeling but the maid is good .. or the maid is bribing/warning the child not to speak against her ... or that the maid is just only rough to talk (no hitting) and since the kid is accustomed to her since 2m age, she doesnt find it wrong (even when we scold our kids, they forget it soon and love us).
Arranging another maid is a choice, but how wd u guarantee she is also good? U can Let her stay with someone ... say ur parents in india ... for a while so that they check her .. before u get her there.
I also agree asking maid on the way she talk to the kid. Be gentle, u r right, dont be hard on maid.
One more option is getting someone, say ur mom, for some days to ur place.
U can also give surprise visits to home to check.
keep us posted
saheli
2006-12-04
#4
Name: sangini Subject: Thanks Saheli
Thanks for thinkking that my answers are quiet mature but you know when we ourselves fall in to problems we know the answer ourself but just need that one KNOD, and atleast there is a forum like this where we can share our agonies ok now what all u ahve specified is right but you know saheli i feel i should quit the job or settle on lesser timings if possible in the same job or another one really u have a MIL at home who can supervise but here i have no one yes i can call my Mother but then My father will be left alone and they both are old now don't want to keep them saperate and the law in kuwait says only 1month for Visit Visa ...
Well i think the best option is ME atleast it is me who can look after her
2006-12-04
#5
Name: sangini Subject: Thanks Sonya, Di bh, Priya
I am very freindly with my daugher i have tried to ask her in different ways but her reply is the same that the maid is not hitting or scolding her but as you said i heard with my own ears yesterday can be one more thing like i thing Sonya said that may be she is hitting her and than giving her an icecream, hidden camera idea is good but don't know where to find one...
Ok to you all again i want to tell you something my maid is a damn egoistic lady sometimes if i say her something or she feels that i have caught her on something she becomes very defensive rather than saying sorry she will not talk at all really, she hardly smiles.. the only reaosn i have kept her is that my daughter is very attached to her(don't know the reason) like on thursdays when i have day my daugher always insist that she should sleep with the maid and she will go to her sometimes etc.. really it confuses me more that if the maid was rude she would never go to her.
Another thing see on her mistakes i can't shout on her hard because inside somewhere i am always insecure that she might take the venom out on my daughter and may be it may go an extreme then so my maid is very pampered we have actually pampered her ego...
Thanks for all your suggestion if you think you have any reply for this post please do...
Thanks
2006-12-05
#6
Name: SONYA Subject: a response to Sangini
Dear Sangini,
Your daughter is attach to the maid?
For 3 months, when I was babysitting
on the weekends for a friend of
my husband children, they were also
attach to me.
I know I am not suppose to give them
sweet treats(3yrs old and a 5 yrs. old)
but......I did. Anyway, to make a long
story short. There are times when they
don't want to leave from my place.
It's the things that I do with them,
while the parents are at work. Such as
building a tent in the living room and
pretending that we are camping. Or a
simple thing like going to the grocery
store and letting them pick 2 items that
they want.
Now the point: their parents are just
too busy. They don't have the time to
do what I do for them because they also
have 2 teenagers(living with their
grandma) Somehow......When I am waiting
for the parents to pick them up, the
little one, grab on to me and doesn't
want to let go. The 5 year old wants to
stay one more hour. I admit....I am
tired of watching them sometimes. I do
feel bad when I scream at them. But,
I always take them to the park to makeup
for that. But the cycle always continue.
In your case.....it's numerous times
and you did mention that she is defensive
as her employer....you should not feel
like this. You have the power, you can
say what ever you want. There are other
maids that can do the same things as
this one. The choice is yours, Sangini.
by the way, about the camera(you decided
to stick with this maid)........just
go to your local electronic warehouse
or do some internet search, better yet
look in the Yellow books for people who
install hidden camera for a living.
Those guys will be able to come to your
home, teach you how to change tape and
etc...Best of luck
2006-12-04
#7
Name: di bh Subject: net is there
hey regarding the hidden camera u can find info about it on the net. Also why dont u have someone u know visit the maid unexpected during the day when u are working every once in a while. If they have kids they can always say their kid wants some friends hence visiting in that way u will be double relieved.
And tuff as it is we do need to massage the maids ego if we dont stay during the day with the kid. we have to be selfish about our kids and ensure good behaviour of the maid.
But dont go overboard with that. then they will turn into MIL's and we escape them staying far and dont want one more version of them.Try doing it indirectly enforcing that its your house and you have right to run things.
And as far as your job why dont u request ur seniors whether working from home is an option atleast 2 -3 days a week. In that way u can spend time with the kid and she will feel good having you around.
Or if possible find a job nearby to your house such that u can visit on lunch breaks.Try it. Best of luck.
2006-12-04
#8
Name: SONYA Subject: To: Sangini
Dear Sangini,
This is your daughter. If a maid is
giving you goose bumps......It's about
time to fire her, and start hiring another
one. It's just so obvious that she is
screaming at your child.
If any one should scream at a child....
it should be the parents, not an
outsider!
I can only imagine how hard it will be
to look for another maid....but, who
knows what else the maid is doing to
your child. She probably even hit
your kid,then give her ice cream after
wards. I am not trying to scare you,
but........Even here in the U.S, many
caretaker have been arrested for
abusive behavior toward a child.
The parents-install a hidden camera,
and it was shocking too see whats on
there.
2006-12-04
#9
Name: sv Subject: Hi
Hi Sangini
I really empathise with U. It is an issue every parent who works and leave their kids with caretakers worry about...
My advice to U r :
- Ask ur daughter... U say she speaks verr well etc... why don't u take ur daughter to a ice cream parlour, or park etc.... and sit with her and ask her...
- I mean do not pounce on her immediately about the maid, ask her what does the maid do when ur daughter is around and how she talks to ur daughter... and ask ur daughter if she is very naughty.. and also at the same time advice ur daughter.... about how she should be with the maid....
- Also talk to the care taker... ask her how ur daughter behaves when u r not around.... I think U should give both of them ur daughter and the caretaker a chance to express what they feel about each other before u take a decision....
- Am not trying or saying that ur daughter maybe at fault.... all am saying is she just a 3 year old kid... who wants to learn to take decisions, be independent etc.....
- since u r paying ur caretaker... tell her how ur daughter is and tell her she will get naughty, but tell ur caretaker what to do when she gets naughty... so that she does not take her own decision and shout at ur daughter....
- Also tell ur daughter that she is a caretaker....she is helping u to take care of ur daughter... and u daughter should try to be as good as she can till u or ur hubby come back home...
- As a mom to ur daughter and as a boss to ur caretaker... U have to keep a watch on both of them.... coz as parents we enjoy and tolerate everything our kids do... but I doubt caretakers will do that... tell ur caretaker the rules and limits she can disipline ur daughter coz she is an elder person and ur daughter as a kid has to obey to elders... but they both have to tell u if anything is going out of the way before they take any decision...
- Tell ur caretaker, confront ur caretaker.. whenever u hear her shouting at ur daughter.... do not be afraid.... she ur caretaker not ur mother-in-law..u pay her for her services.... why r u afraid.... just ask her calmly... ask her if ur daughter is not listening to her etc... and then listen to whats going on before u come to any conclusion....
- DO not complain/shout about the caretaker in front of ur daughter... coz she will learn to manipulate the both of U... she is a kid... she does not know whats right whats wrong u have to teach her....at the same time do not complain about ur daughter's naughtiness to ur maid.... she will start manipulating u and ur daughter... so keep both of them in good terms to each other.... so that they will get along well.....
I do understand its tough... but u as a parent, boss to ur maid u have to be in charge here...
It might seem easier to change caretaker...its not like the next caretaker will be the best... they all will be nice in the beginning but the true colours come out after sometime...... but do remember ur daughter is watching what u r doing... and she is learning something for the decisions u take... so take decision wisely....so that u inculcate good quality behaviours, character, decision making to ur daughter tooo
U also have to keep in mind that NO one can replace U or ur hubby... to ur daughter.... for ur daughter u r the one and only mom and ur hubby is one and only father.... No one can replace that.... plz do keep that in mind.... and handle ur daughter and the caretaker.....
I hope my advice/suggestions help U
2006-12-03
#10
Name: di bh Subject: Be alert.
hey its not bad you leave your kid with the maid. But just to know what is happening with the kid why dont u have a hidden camera in the house.So u will be relieved. Nowadays it doesnt hurt to be extra vigilant.
the kid is only 3 yrs old.this is the time where she shud be treated like a princess from parents and everybody.Not be to scolded by anybody.It never hurts to know whats happening with the kid in your absence.Have a hidden video camera. Hey if its nothing to worry after that well and good.Atleast you are not having doubts after this right.you can be relieved as regards to your daughter .Think about this. Do post back. best of luck.
2006-12-04
#11
Name: SONYA Subject: Good one.......di bh
I agree with you.
That's just the only way to see
if the child is being harm.
2006-12-03
#12
Name: PRIYA Subject: hi sangni
hi sangini
I am also working mom of two kids of age ( 3yr 9mon & 2yr old ) both boys.
I also leave my kids with the maid and we stay at dubai.
Sometimes i will feel bad to leave them like that ( i was working since 7yrs and took the maternity leave only for 2months because of our earlier financial status ) but luckily we got good maid to look after the kids and my parents and inlaws will be visiting here frequently to see the maid' s behaviour with kids.
Most of times i feel guilty for leaving them like that but we are working for the bright future of kids and even the kids will become independent.
Why don't u call someone from india for sometime to check your maid's behaviour or try for any new maid if possible.
Even i would like to add that the kids of the age ( 2-4yrs ) will be very naughty and is very difficult to control them. sometimes it is not wrong if the maid's shouts on them ( even if we will be at home we will shout on them sometimes with frustration ) . Your maid is with u since long time and taking care of your kid nicely i dont think it is necessary for u to worry.Instead you can tell sometime to her to be patient.
take care and luv to your kid
2006-12-03
#13
Name: verne Subject: change the maid
or ask her why she talks so to your child.
All tips on Relationships
You ever wanted in one place.
No need to go anywhere else.
& Answers to Topic : Worried about daughter please help.....
Subscribe to this conversation!
All tips on Relationships
You ever wanted in one place.
No need to go anywhere else.
& Answers to Topic : Worried about daughter please help.....
Subscribe to this conversation!
All tips on Relationships
You ever wanted in one place.
No need to go anywhere else.
& Answers to Topic : Worried about daughter please help.....
There is no harm to make life exciting. There should be some spices. I have done threesomes with three couples and they are enjoying with more fun. So you should try it. My tg- hp2609. You can reach me... - Striker [View Message]
RE:Santhoshi mata's vrat.
Can I skip Santoshi mata fast for once this Friday? As its impossible in every condition to keep the fast as i am going to a remote place where such things can't be maintained? I've done more than 16 fasts with my pure heart. Will God forgive me if I skip this fast? Please reply fast. Its very urgent.... - Avika [View Message]
RE:Genuine Question
well priya its only natural to feel this attraction and lonliness. nothing wrong in it , only thing if any affair has to happen it will happen , if not , it will never happen. ... - rahul [View Message]
RE:RE:female or male sex capsules or some other assesori
I don't think would work. It would make one have garlic breath which could be a turnoff. I strongly feel that this is the time in their life to put down Kama sutra and take up some Yoga Sutra and religious books. Maybe she becomes like him too. More spiritual.... - Kim [View Message]
RE:RE:female or male sex capsules or some other assesori
Sm prolem here..what shoud i do..my huby dont listen anything... - Bindu [View Message]
RE:RE:female or male sex capsules or some other assesori
maid
record their conversation
more options
Name: sangini
Hi
change the maid
Family Planning
Pregnancy
Babies
Kids
Teens
Discuss
Community
Find Listing
Videos
More
