Hi friends
I am one amoneg u only from july board,but i cant tell u my name as i want to disucss some personal issue..As my kid one year and also i am working i have baby sitter and my mom inlaw also with us .my problem is my mom inlaw .she creates so much mess as complaining abt me to my husbund ...all those and when he is there she acts niceky and when he is nt around she shows her color..
she ahs told my husbund that i am t good girl..I am nt fit for his life all those things...
all my husbund cam eand told me also he is telling that i know she i doin gmistake but as she is my mom i cant throw her out in street..and my father in law is nt with us so i cant complplain abt her to him also ...
I am really worried a lot now days as already manging kid with working is tough,.as i have to manage this lady also...
i am nt able to tell rudly to my hubsnud also that ask her to getlast how can i make my husbund understand how i feel bad..
the thing is i do want to repect his feelings for his parens...but still i am confused... Someone replied. Hi All

Thans for all of your concern..I am relly happy that people are helping me to solve my issue...

Archie as u told many times we have fixed appointment and she has given tablets...but after 10 days if I see either she would have thrown the tablets to dustibin or she will stop taking the medcines.. Archie u wontr belvie she will lie down whole day in bed ,when iu took her to hospital she told the doc i dotn know where it is paining :)...i know she wants to give only tension to me..nothing else...
ANd my maid as i dont wnat belive any outsider ..noramlly even she tells me i go and ask her directly ..mil acceptes...u wotn belive she behaves the same with all relatives also ..hence nobody likes her..Good thing happened is my husbund spoke to her then she told that i dotn like ur wife ..so i am nt able to accept her...since ours is love cum arrangeed marriage...so my husbund has told that..he will take care..hereafter...like giving more attention to baby..let us see what happens ..pray for me
Arti replied. If you have parenting issues concerning the child between you and your mother-in-law. Make it clear that its your child first and then her grand-child, so you will raise it your ways. Make it clear to your hubby as well. What Archie and Hetal suggested would work if you have ample time and brain power to resolve such issues which unfortunately I don't so I am lawys upfront always for serious issues like bathing in cold water and handling baby when having infection and always ignore trivial matters. But thats just me.

Why to involve your hubby when you can straigten it out. Arti replied. Hey friend, don't trust your maid or what she is telling. I wouldn't suggest to be quiet or silent in such matters. Talk to your mother-in-law and ask her the truth, tell her that if she is having infection its very important to get it cured. Also try to peek in when she is giving bath to your son and check the temperature. If its warm water then don't trust your maid.

I have respectful good relations with my in-laws, and despite of whatever issues we have between us my mil will never trust a maid over me nor would I.

You son is her grand-child and I would seriously dooubt that she would do such a thing which would put her grand child in danger. Check out the truth here.

I would never trust an outsider over my family members, the first thing I would do is check out the truth and then fire the maid. Hetal replied. archie is quite right..if your mil is suffering from ne infection acc to whatever your maid said,,you ask your dh that your mil seems to be having some infection or not feeling well,, which you came to know from your maid,,make it clear and its obvious with this, your dh will ask your mil about this and fix an appointment,,,or you yourself go ahead and fix an appointment,you can always cancel if your mil says she is not havign ne infection,,truth will come out ! make it a big deal that your mil is not feeling well and you are really worried.
if at all she is giving cold water bath to your baby,,your baby must have got recurring colds symptoms every now and thennnn,,which is a sure sign that she is actually doing it,,dont count the seasonal ones,,they are normall,,,so share casually with your dh that your maid was telling this,,also add that you are not sure about how far it holds the truth but dr was saying that there are no other reasons for your baby to catch colds this oftennn,,except a cold water bath,,,,from all the post i read,,either your maid is playing out to create this meess,,or your mil is deliberately telling your maid all this to ensure that it reaches you indirectly causing you stress...and age is also to be considered,,she is old and old people often get into all these plays when they feel hurt about tiny lil things that she might have thought was important to follow but due to some constraints you couldnt follow,,so she is like keeping grudge on you..and doing all this...

i agree to archie that your dh position is really sad,,he already knows that these things are goin around and he knows that its not proper,,and not much you can do, but keep the things clear,,,
he also knows the its his mom and he has to take care of her,,no matter what is doing,,unless it comes to his notice tht her presence is becoming life threatnng,, for his own son.

also cnsidering that your mil is alone and your fil is not around,,her status as a single woman without husband in a particular house,,,,she feels insecured about her status in your family !! nd to satisfy her own insecurity nd get heself a good feel that she is still able to do something or create some havoc,,,,that she thinks is noticeable,,she is doing all this...

even though she might not care for you because you cant be her daughter or she cant be your mother,,,you have to understand that onething she will be very particular about one person,,which is her son(ur dh) and his health and nething thats related to his son,,which is your dh,,,which means, things are pretty much on your part and you just have to go accordingly..

and she is saying all this to her maid that she is havign infection or giving bath with cold water,,to hurt you indirectly !! its that simple,,as a mother she too understands very well, when a mother can be hurt. and if at all all this holds true,,like i said before,,get concerned about her health, take her to dr,,things will come out automatically,,make sure to keep your dh in track of these things...he should know who is playing,,if you know that you are right,,clear the things,,make them visible.

you know your dh more than you can predict your mil or you maid,,so take advantage of it,,,
do whats in your control,,you cant control your maid mind or your mil actions,,but you can certainly take care of your dh moods and get your things done in a way that your mil doesnt get the hint of how it happened and all but at the same time, she sees the things going smoother and better,,,the more she tries to creates stress in your life !!!

i think,,by watever you said,,your mil has already reached to a point that even though you and your dh will give her a talk,,she will b ok for a while,,and then she might go worst,,so expect that coming on your way !!
but worth a try if she is able to correct herself on that stand point..

i too agree very much agree to archie last sentence,,you can try to fix it,,but how far this will help and will change her(your mil) mindset is difficult to predict !!

a very good luck to you.
archie replied. Hi you all!
Like usual, after a while was visiting this board and found this somewhat common yet strange message out here.

I am in part with everybody, Arti, Priya and Sudha.

Priya is right that you can't take place of Daughter or the best MIL can not take place of mother.

With a sensible people and family, Sudha's view too is correct that dialogue helps resolve situation.

On the other hand in adament background Arti's approach is fine and silent as well. Having faced somewhat situation by Arti she is more appropriate on that ground still silence can also lead to stretching relations sometime out of frustration.

I can tell one thing for sure whatever reasons might be but you are not in a position to see your MIL side and if she is always what you posted then she will not see your side as well. At the same time it is quite possible that you both are absolutely different and might cause huge amount of stress on your spouse, poor thing. Unfortunately, this sound so much heard and very common problem around the globe. You are certainly not alone and there might be cases who face extreme than you do.

Reading your original post and response to Sudha I am sure you have had plenty of opportunities to bring things to the attention of your husband. By the way you have done nothing on that part besides blaming her and trying to find solution, which is less likely be obtained.

If your mother in law has infection why you both are quiet? Ok you are not her daughter but he is her son, should not he be taking her to medical professional to clear her infection? You are not ready to identify yourself but what is wrong in talking about her medical condition. There are lot which won't affect baby but deteriorate her health. As a son he should take care of and as a mother of child which will be with her you should be worrying about that.

May be you consider I am taking her side just thought it would be important for you and your spouse to seat with her and a long conversation to know about what she exactly wants for you guys and have it fixed for once than each day taunts.

Make sure talk would be polite and productive than strecthing and unhealthy to everyone.

Also know how much to trust strangers like baby sitter.

Is she above 60, then she could be behaving from aging as well, need some understand from others. Some of the diabetic patients get cranky and short temepred as well. YOu can try to fix but can't change person who she is.

archie Priya replied. I agree with Arti-you are not the only one facing these problems i can say the 80% of duagter in laws are in your shoes! it's true and i realised after marriag eeven though mil was nice there were times when i knew i was a dil- and a mil can never take a mother place and you will never take daughters place thats a fact-but you can be patient and just use ignorance that is the key-you dont have to be close but you dh is the bond btwn you-just be nice ignore and talk less and be happy that you son has a grandma.
Priya Sudha replied. Is she crazy lady? We can tolerate any misbehave but not on cost of baby health.

You should ask directly to her what is a justification of cold water bath etc.. Just remote possibility old people beleive to be close to nature, is that is reason from her side, then you can forgive this event but otherwise not.
Secondly if she is really having infection as a concern person she should avaoid taking baby even then baby insist.
Like this couple of other examples should be eye opening for your husband.
Its really frustrating situation as this way you have to live all your good year in this kind of tension which is not good for your own health.

I strongly feel your husband has to come forward and ask her to either change her attitude or put her in some old parents home. (Personally I hate keepings elders in any old home but ..)
She might change her attitude either by chnaging her heart or in scareness that his son is planning to keep her in old age home.

Sorry we are not much help to you in this regard.

Take care,
Sudha

PS: Be sure and reconfirm from your end that your made is not saying lie to you against your MIL. Sudha replied. Hi,

I don't know how is the atmosphere at home, but just wanted to suggest to discuss this issue openly with your MIL and husband both. As I am in totally reverse atmosphere, I may not be realise your pain. But strongly feel that if sit and raise few questions like:
? Mummy what do you expect from me? As you are my mother, why should you use hubby , why can't directly point out my mistake? I will be more then happy to try right thing

? I may have hurt you unknowingly but beleive me I always loved and respect you like my own mother and wanted you to treat me like your own daughter
?
I am thankful and graceful to you to enable/allow me to continuing my career as I know in your absence it is completly difficult to leave baby only on behlaf of baby sitter.

? Whenever I am away from babay, only feeling which give me satisfaction and releif that my mother is there to take care grandson

? Mummy I want to learn from you this recipe, stiching etc. (you can refer whatever area she is good)

In short my theory is to speak as much as possible, sometime we don't talk assuming other person may not like it. Communication can clear biggest doubt.

By suggesting this I am not sure if I hurt you. Please forgive me for that, my intension is to see you too be in same comfort zone like me.

Take care,
Sudha Arti replied. Hi (whoever you are), take it easy. If you will not then you will learn the hard way (like me) at the end that you shouldn't worry about your mil or her behavior considering you already have so many things on your plate - a young child and a job and a family (including your mil) to look after.

Think of it this way, she is elder, she is your husband's mom so you need to respect her, not necessarily love her but respect her. Ignore things which you don't like about her that will make your mind, your life, your husband's life and your home a peaceful place and believe me once she will realize that it doesn't bother you any more she will automatically stop hurting you. If she continues, don't bother just ignore.

If in your hubby's absence, most of the time she tells something you don't like then limit your conversation with her in your husband's absence. Let her complain to your husband that you won't talk to her, when your hubby raises this issue to you just say diplomatically that you are super busy most of the times when you are home as ( aboviously she is not much of a help) so you don't get time to sit and chitchat. I don't know the details so can't advice much as I don't know whats bothering you- her not helping out in house work or the way she talks. So I can suggest that take it easy as far as her taunts are concerned, and for house work, if its too much for you, get some outside help. The more you ignore her taunts, the more your husband will respect you for your display of maturity and understanding. Priya replied. I just reread some of your message. I cant understyand hubby also as he is in the middle that is his mother- but good thing is he knows she is doing something wrong. also donot complain about her to you hubby as he can get wrong impression of you. let it be she is a mil-inlaws are like that always you will not bne good enough for her son even if you go to the moon and back!
just be nice and soon enough hubby will see to that you are doing everything being good and doing you work.
Priya Priya replied. i can understand your pain.I dont know where you live but as a mother and a working women i can say i know your pain. i too face this situation at home sometimes although your case your mil is doing this! should not be the case as a women she should understand your pain she should know how hard it is to multitask everything and cope with a child-even though she is acting like this your husband will not leave you. because you are the mother of his child-and he would be silly to listen to your mil.
i faced similar situation wlike you but with fil i was thinking as he is male he des not understand .dh is full support with me as he too helps me and understands the struggles we face. but as female acting like this ii say you mil is not a women but someione who wants to see her son unhappy.
the question to ask you dh if she ever does this with you is \" does you mother want you to be happy\" !
you are not only a daughter in law and a wife but also a mother this is your family stand up for yourself!
Good luck
Priya