Relationships  Discussion Forum

Mrs Wife,
U seem to have a good analysing power.I will tell my problem here plz try and help me yaar.

'Mama's boy' holds very good for my husband.

1. My parents and my inlaws are living in the same city.My inlaws don't allow us to our parents' house.Now they have told my hubby that it is disgrace to go my parents house.He is not coming and i feel bad to leave him and go myself alone.I 'm the only daughter for my parents and my hubby is treated as a king in there.But still he's telling that he won't come to my parents house 'coz his mother has told not to.

2.I have no kids yet.I'm in the initial stages of tests and all stuff.So far nothing is worse.Doctor has asked me to reduce my weight.My sister in law(not married yet) always talking like you are 11/2 yrs married no child and all stuff.Even my mother in law does it.

3.My inlaws are well educated and earning well.My father in law is holding such a good post(I don't want to mention the name of that post)in the university.Both are earning a lot.But my father in law once asked the notebook in which we record our daily expenses and checked out the balance amout.It was some 15,000.From that time almost 1 year now,he is taking 15000 from my hubby's salary account(joint account for father and son).He's telling that amout is for his sister's marriage.So we don't have anything extra to buy anything for ourselves.Even for a new dress or something we have to you know sacrifice something else and like that.Still he is telling that I am extravagant.My husband is buying some cheap dresses and not good(Easily torn) also.I have never worn such dresses.He is not even buying dresses for him.


4.My inlaws want me to call them everyday and talk for atleast 20 mints to each of them.If i am not doing that they ar tellimg my hubby that i am not respecting them and the very next day i will have to face consequences(Pbm b/w me and my hubby bursts).If i talk to them they want to know what i cooked and if i say we went out to eat they abuse me(but always in a soft tone).They want to see their kid atleast twice in a month and they never(not even once )had come to our house.We have to go each time.


5.Each time we go there they take their son into their bedroom and close the door and the whole family sits together and talk for hours.I will be sitting with the maid and her family(4 people are there).They will be nice to me until they see my MotherInLaw.So once i knocked the door and went inside the room and i too sat with them.They all dispersed.Then the very same evening(we were given a room upstairs,I was there washing my face,combing hair and all that)suddenly the TV volume was very high and i just came out of the room and saw dowm.The family conference was going on.I ran down and joined them.Again they dispersed.Again i slept at night and somehow i woke up(Usually i have a deep sleep at night and i don't wake up at all till morning)My husband was not in my side and i was waiting for him to turn up (for nearly 2 hrs).My hubby came and i asked him what happened.He said he went to have some water.I feel hurt. I don't know what to do.

6.I was trying for a job.I am a BE(CSE)(I 've passed in 1st class).My FatherInLaw said he would get one job for me.I agreed and he asked me not to try while he is trying.One year passed and without informing him i went to an interview(I lost).Then my FatherInLaw said that i will get a job for you and y are u trying.I said okay and soon he got me a job.(In the begining i had an offer in chennai as soon as i completed my BE.But i cudn't join it bacause i got married just 10 days after my final semester was over.)I tried for that job again. Knowing this my FIL secured me a job.But the job wasn't in any way related to computers.It was kind of Personal Assisting(for 3 persons)job and the salary was only 6000/- and the take home would be less than 4000/-.And the work time was (9 to 9 & sometimes more late).My hubby already clearly stated that if i am going to a job then also i shud be doing all the same proper cooking(usually for lunch I prepare a good south indian meal with atleats 7 items(can't be done at all if i am working for this particular job).Generally working women complete it with 3 items(My mom did so))and all stuff.Since my hubby grew up with maids for everything he or his mother are not realising how difficult it is to do all wotk.Without certain adjustments from my hubby i really can't manage such a job.So i said i couldn't join this.Main reason is 'm a computer student and i don't want a job related to human resource.But my husband and inlaws strictly said that if i am not joining that job i should not join anyother job.I said okay.Even if i join that i can't switch easily because it was a contract and when i think to switch to a computer job this experience won't count.So i just decided not to go for a job.

Totally i am not happy.I want to make our lives better.

But what made me share this here is something my hubby said today.For the past one month i am not speaking to my in laws daily(made it once in a week) and i said my husband that if he creates problem with me just because i am not talking with his parents ,i will just walk out of his life.He agredd with me and said u talk to my parents once in a week and that will do.But today morning he is telling that he is getting mad because i am not upto his parents expectations.He is telling i was very good and now i have become worse in characer.We speak tamil(mixed up with very little english) at home.But when my hubby speaks these words to me,i find him using good old Tamil words(My hubby never uses it) which my Mother in law uses often.

I want to be a good nice wife to my hubby but i don't want to always adjust to anything my mother in law says.(She always speaks using insulting words.I feel pain when ever i speak to her.)

Hope u understand me.
Someone please help me.
Out of minds to think of something.Please............... Ananym replied. Hi friends,

It's great to hear warm words from you.Especially when i am so much depressed like this.Thank you all.Swathy,d bh,Supritha,swapna,Monica,Helper.One thing common in everyone of ur suggestions is that i must go for a job.I will start to search seriously.Thanks a Lot Swathy replied. After reading ur story I felt sad .

1. He just ask him nicely \" If he is not visiting ur parents then I wont visit ur parents ?\" If he hurts & gets angry then u tell him that U too ohave the same feeling towards to it.
( I live in USA , Last month my hubby alone went to India and said to me he has no tim eto visit my parents (they r living in diff town). I said Thats fine. Next time when I go to India If I wld nt visit ur parents & can come . Will it be fine ? Then he realised and visited my parents also.
Ask him to visit atleast once in a while.

2. Dont worry abt it. U'll get a Baby. That too u r not aged so can have after 3 yrs also.

3. U have to talk abt this with ur Hubby a lot. Very nicely make him understand that v need some money for ur future. But Dont spoil the realstionship. Sometimes its unavoidable so dont get into this prob & spoil ur mood.

4. No harm in calling & say Hi & bye.

5. It happens in every family . Certain things cant be discussed with Daughter-in laws . Let them talk freely. U be nice & u urself try to avoid getting into it. Rather peeking into their rroom. Be nice , If u want u can ask that info from ur hubby. If he doesnt share have a senti fight that he is not sharing with u :-)


6. Try to get a job first in IT Babe.
First Atleast try to get a Lecturer post in any Engring college, then also try in IT field. So that u can earn some money & timings wull begood like no need to stretch.

Being a Professional Dont waste ur career.

All the Best !!!








di bh replied. hey ,I understand your pain.You can never change in laws they feel once u are married to their house we shud have be forever kissing their feet. Still they will find fault.Anyway its like u shud expect such things from in laws.its understood.
You are a BE(CS) . You can get a job easily if u try to do it seriously dont rely on your in laws. They will never do good to dils.Maybe 0.0001% .You know i was in same situation .I live in US.I am on a dependant visa. Although i am a professional degree holder. My branch is not computers.So last time my FIL on fone shouted at me.you are married for 4 yrs and neither u studied nor did a job.So i told him without my help even your son wudnt have got a job.I helped my husband find job by responding to job ads my e-mail and help him study for the interview.even my husband admits becoz of me he cudnt have done it.My FIL felt jealous as he wanted my husband to say becoz of him or my SIL he is successful not becoz of me.So i gave him back telling dont talk such nonsense with me.My husband was next to me.didnt say anything.you need to take control. this is your house.Find a job for yourself.dont tell your in laws till you get it. obviously your fil has no intentions of getting u a job.
And as far as cooking oh my god you must be really patient to prepare such a feast. i myself stay at home and dont cook more than 3-4 items for lunch and dinner. You can mention it to your husband you cant do so much. It will be very timeconsuming i think.Hire a cook or a maidservant full time when u get a job. Dont give in to such demands wherein you will be exhausted everyday.I usually prepare something like rasam curry and papad.even i am from south india so i feel this will be light and healthy.
And as far as kids dont bother too much. U are married for only 1 1/2 yrs.its not too long.many people dont think of children till 3-4 yrs of marriage is over.In laws will find fault anyways even if u are pregnant they will say so soon and not then why not. And as far as your unmarried sil tell her when u will be pregnant she will know.My SIL tries to poke her nose in everything but after 4 yrs of marriage i have learnt not to let her pry into my personal affairs.
And tell your husband u will give respect to his parents when he does to yours.try to get a job then automatically your husband will start respecting you and demand less from u .Start with small things get a job,hire a cook .Best of luck. post back. supritha replied. Hi I was touched by your story..It is really sad your husband acting like a papat in your inlaws hands.Unless until he realises this , your issue is not going to change.You don't have to react for any of their comments about baby, or job or any other issues.just act deaf.Search for a job which you like..they may be scared you might not listen to them or care for them once you enter in to high earning, positioned job.just continue to call them once in a week, limioted conversation.Dont lose your smile for their sake, it is not really worth it.
About your husband, you got him for more than your mil.use your skill to change..no fighting..tell him how can you be one of them? when they all togeather discussing something without you?you feel out of family. swapna replied. i actually have no words to tell u..
u know what we just sacrifice our happiness SELF RESPECT n everything just to c our husbands happy n these guys dont understand that,
1.i think u have to talk a lot to yr husband, i know its very difficult often end up with clash,but be stren.
tell him that u also have parents n love them in the same way as he does tell him if he wants u to go to his parents placetwice a month he has to come to yr place atleast once a month otherwise u r not going to his place.
2.its just 1 and half yr i sincerly pray that u concieve soon ,n dont bother about what they say ,i conceived after 6 months n for that my mil said y so soon..they r like thatjust ignore that.
3.and yr carrier NEVER compramise in that say a big no to that,just find a job for yr self tell yr husband that its the only happiness u have in yr life though it may hurt him,but less then what he did to u.
4.and s 1 more thingh just tell yr hubby that anyway he wants to talk to his family members alon then y should u join n spoil it n make him lie u to u.
5 stop cooking so many things if he tells u something tell him that u r tired of this cooking stuff,n if wants something ask him to go to hotel.
i know how much u would have got hurt n depressed,u know what i think we have to stand up for ourselves after somepoint of time n this is the limit.
keep posted sincerely hope that u get a good solution.
takecare Monica replied. I sympathize with you .i dont know why these inlaws including the husband sometimes behave in such an horrible manner.They become a pack of sadists.Anyway,what you should do now is put your foot down that you are not going to tolerate this nonsense anymore.if your hubby expects you to respect his parents he too should behave well with ur parents.Regarding your no able to conceive tell them that it can be the fault of their son too,so ask them to shut their mouth on this case.seriously search for a job,make yourself economically independent.dont just give away your salary to these people,save for yourself.make new friends do not feel weak within otherwise these people will drive you mad.if you want to share or have some more queries do write,bye all the best. Helper replied. You need too see a counselor (psychologist) who will help you stand up to your inlaws and husband. Otherwise you might as well give up on your marriage.