Relationships  Discussion Forum

hi friends,
i am really very unhappy for past one week .i have been married for 2 yrs.had a ok kind of life.my mil is a kind of person who has different kind of faces ,changes it offten to get attention from her son...i have been ignoring everything n never said a word about it to my hubby, i have taken care of my inlaw n there moms .they r infact very happy with me,but my mil always feels insecure, she din wanted me to join my hubby who came to US ,she gave all sotrs of excuses but my hubby wanted me to come and i came here.now my inlaws r also comming n i have no issues on it.
but the thing is last week i really got wild about some comments passed by my mil, {i will not do anywork and all when i come there)i dont expect her to do anything but she cant sit n say like that.she has don nothing for me not evevn when i was preg not even after my delivery i hardly had any rest.
now my prob is my hubby n i had i very bad fight that day,he became so wild he does not want to hear anything about her.that time i really lost my patience n told him what his mom is n how all she humiliated me,n i was shoked to hear that he told me that i was acting n i am poisonous n all,but after that every thing got over ,actually he was very upset n i went n spoke to him,n he also said that in anger both have exchanged all nonsence so lets forget it.
but the thing is i am very sad upset because i feel i am staying with some one who does not know me understand my feeling...allthese days i was in impression that he loves me a lot n he knows me but now..i feel everybody is takeing me for granted he gives somuch importance to his moms tears but what about mine..for whom did i do everything..alsorts of drama n fuss she made..i suffered so much dint even said a word,but now i really feel humilialed.the words uttered by him really kills me.
what should i do now??i feel lonely iam generally very active cheerful person ,but now a days am feeling lonely not even playing with my little baby. SONYA replied. Dear Swapna,

It's true for almost every couple whenever
we get into verbal fights with our spouse.

And....sometimes, we hurt the one we love
by what we have said. Sometimes... we can't believe that this is what
our spouse was feeling, and actually is
saying.

And....what do we do: we can't help it
but feel depress,upset by his words,and
very very angry.

I have been there, done that, and cope
with it.

Swapna, I have been married for 8 years.
You are married for 2 years. You have
a lot to learn....and eventually you
will find a way to deal with this.
where to start??(here is what I do)

When we get into verbal fights.....I let
him say what ever he wants(I know it
sound crazy) and wait until he is done
with his comments. Then I would ask him
questions---is this how you feel about
me, do you really mean it. You wait for
a response from him.

If he still continue...simply keep
your cool(very important) and tell him:
find, okay, good to know how you feel
after(blank yrs.)of marriage---then just get up and go to another room without
speaking to him.

we weren't fighting a lot. But, there
are times....when his words mad me feel
low. I was just through with him. And I
never knew that just by keeping my calm
getting out the room, and not responding
to him would work.

so----I hope that you don't take his
words too serious. They don't mean what
they say, okay.--BYE

Priya replied. Hey Swapna

Come on Swapna....Cheer up.You are having a little baby to divert you from these worries.

I am facing a similar problem as you do.It's worse that i don't have a kid yet.I have posted a lengthy......... query in Relationships-->women's issues-->R/n with my inlaws as Ananym.

Don't worry swapna.I think Your husband knows well about you and your mother in law.But only few men are ready to agree their mother's doings to their wives(No matter how much they love their wives).

When you have been keeping quiet all these days he should have thought very very high(Don't worry Still he will be thinking the same) about you.Now that you are speaking it gives a kind of insecure feel to him.May be he has been expecting you to open your mouth sometime.


When he is in an insecure feeling he would try to hurt you by regarding you as poison and everything.This is not hatred swapna just he is out of minds to think and his inner heart is speaking merely to hurt you and put a fullstop to this problem.

The insecure feeling comes because :

She's his mother and he(All men) always want a smooth relationship with their mother and wife so that they can be happy.

Just think if he is asking his mother why she's doing this way to you.You will complain more and he will feel bad to hear abt his mother.

Your MIl will immediately say that yu have changed him and you are parting mother and son.

She will regard that your husband is giving too much place for you.

She will turn even worse face on you.

All these will bring only problems in your family.

When i say ur husband i don't mean only him,it regards to most men.There are so many men facing this problem.My hubby is the same.

Just tackle with your mother in law directly.i don't think your husband can speak to his mother in this regard(Even my hubby gets really iritated and closes his ears and abuse me if i talk about his mother.)

Don't ever be angry with your husband in this regard.After all you love each other.Y spoil it?
MM replied. Dear Swapana,
Don't worry.
All MIL are almost same.And most man don't know how to handle such situation. They can't say anything to their mother so they say to ther wife.
Try to be happy and live for yourself and your small kid.
love di bh replied. Hey i understand your situation.Stand up for yourself. I dont expect my husband to defend me all the time.At the same time i stand up for myself if my in laws accuse me of something. The good thing is my husband wont say no if i do so but he will himself not say dont tell like that to my wife. so works anyways. anyway u shud think like this its my house.this is my kid. When your mil comes during the day have minimum conversation as they tend to turn things to their sons according to their own convienience.And also try to go out for 3-4 hrs a day with your kid maybe to nearest library and spend some time alone.
and in her presence try to not to have heated conversations with your hubby however tempting the situation can be. I know its easier said than done. but we shud make an effort.See then they will have no way of pinning husbands against wives.Do not take too much from your mil u need to draw the line somewhere.I live in US. married for 4 yrs. My fil used to charge me on the phone for first 2 yrs. I just let it go thinking i dont stay with them and dont want to have big fights without reason. my husband has one brother and sister both married.But the last time my husbands bil tried to shout at me but that was it . I gave all of them back. My FIL,SIL and her husband.See if we keep taking all the nonsense they will treat us like we are nobody. they will never realize our want to be not aggressive.the more we bend the more they make us bend.
So take courage and stand up for yourself and your kid.Best of luck .post back. hello replied. hello

yep, it isthe same story wth me. for me also my world shattered when realised things like you. but beleve me , your husband loves you and in his pont of view he cannot say his mother s not an angel as he thought. also boys when they grow up they get attached to their mother a lot emotionally and it is not possible for them to detach it. that is why they don't want to hear anythng. they have an mage about their mother and they want to keep it like that. at the same time he loves you a lot. so leave that subject. he know everything. he just can't break the bond. hs mother is always dear to him . ok. so take it easy. leave it to him. ufor you always keep a dstance with your mil and st the same time love her nd show that to her. you know dear, nobody wants to hear thier mother s bad. even if she is. take t like that. Shanthi replied. Hi Dear,
when I was reading your message i felt it is similar to my story.You know the more you dig in to the problem, it smells more.you can't change your mil, or neither your hubby.so just ignore her.keep distance from her as much as possible.only limited conversation.Now about your hubby...it is very important for you to keep good relation with him to live happyly.So drop all the fights you had with him.you know he is stuck between you and his mom(i am sure he knows about her, & he can't do much b'coz she is the MOM).it is ok if he said something..it was just an incident, which has passed.by grumbling about it doesn't take you anywhere other than worrying.