Relationships  Discussion Forum

I have read your views/suggestions and felt better …..Thanks for listening.

Though I am well educated and earning decent salary to maintain a driver, maid on my own yet somehow deep inside me I am not in favour of leaving my husband due to so many reasons. Few could be

-My best friend is a divorcee too and her life is miserable. Though she does not regret her decision of leaving her husband yet life is very difficult for her. Stigma of divorcee, people’s attitude towards her especially in social gatherings, colleague’s behaviour changed overnight, everyone seems to take advantage of her plight. Presently she is residing with her parents and her bhaiya/bhbhi, father/mother’s behaviour is not good with her. She and her child are always on the receiving end. Her daughter is very introvert/shy feels insecure and misses her father. Though her parents are trying for remarriage but unable to find suitable match for her some are very aged with 2-3 kids others are either single or not ready to take custody of the child. As and when I think/look at her I just shudder. I do not want to face all those things.

-In spite of everything my husband does to me still I love him. He was so cheerful, enthusiastic, lovable and everyone’s favourite when we were in college . And most importantly he is going to be father of my child an ultimate gift from God. He is an excellent orator and a very hard working fellow. Reasons of his violent behaviour could be the outcome of heavy workload, not getting job early, my idiosyncrasies/temperament (I am a reticent, not social, old fashioned , and keeps everything within myself) , his drinking habbits, his bad company etc. Sometimes when he is watching TV or talking over phone I just look at him he seems so happy and calm , I love his cute chucking, his mocking smile, the way he walks or keeps wallet in his pocket list is endless. And I can not think of other person in my life as I feel EMA will complicate my situation. EMA makes your life more wretched and you will be full of guilt conscious. You will not be able to face the world with honesty, courage and confidence. Above all I can not share myself with anybody else .

-We have discussed the issue of divorce in past but he refused my request as it has never happened in his family and it will only hurt his male ego ( he has very high ego) . Life of my In laws will be devastated.

-Then I thought of filing an FIR but I do not want any controversy. Further, I feel extremely exhausted at the end of the day after attending hectic work schedule at my work place.

- My parents are aged and not keeping well health wise. Further, they have already suffered a lot due to me in past. I do not want to give more troubles to them. They deserve a serene and happy life.

- Most important reason is my child: single parenting will be impossible.
Even I dream of separating from my husband and finding a new home, caring husband but future is not warranted. Other bank of river always appears green. I do not know what would happen in future as present seems so bleak and black
Regards,
Kavya di bh replied. Kavya i can very well understand your pain as i was in same position until last year.I am married for 4 yrs and live in US with my hubby.He has 1 sister and brother all elder to him.He is from an abusive family.My FIL ,BIL are abusive still.i didnt know this before marriage.I got married within a span of 15 days and was here in 20 . Even if i had more time i wudnt have known as such things dont come out in open. It will be among family only.Anyway all was good until one year of my marriage. But after 1 yr my husband was abusive. Not becoz i was at fault but becoz he was angry with himself.When i asked for my in laws help they said its common u shud try to adjust. adjust when he was physically and verbally abusive.i tried being patient listening to his problems everything. nothing helped and it continued for 3 yrs. but this year i had it i took some action.my husband i were temporarily separated and that helped my marriage a lot. even in separation i was determined to separate from him. But after that when he came back he was regretting for his past and i decided to give it a new try.
The point of telling this is in such situation u shud try for a tempopary separation it will help the relationship.and dont feel your parents will not be there becoz u had a love marriage. they will always be there for u . When i took action against my husband i was scared my parents wudnt support me as my mom was convinced that by me being patient he cud change. but when i did it they were behind me.So parents irrespective of any situation they have unconditional love for kids. take your parents in confidence.my parents wudnt have supported me if i had kept them in dark and sprung this on them one fine day. But i did mention it to my parents when my husband was abusive.so do not worry talk to your parents and slowly mention it to them.also try for a temporary separation. it helped me a great deal it may help u too. from your post it seems like you are a smart woman and your husband is also not that bad and you can give your marriage a chance.try it . its just a suggestion.best of luck.post back your thoughts. SANIGINI replied. See i told u it is u who has to decide well when u love him so much, the lines u wrote made feel u still feel spark which u used to get when u both were in college and your lovey dovey days, but my dear friend than if you want to stay with him, try making him feel special, i read a post in one of your first queries that person put a light on the other side of the coin, and said that may be your husband feels that he is a looser or may be somewhere in your talks u have made feel that way i tell u all males have a high ego and we have to pamper that.. well mine is a love marriage too, i before my marriage was settled ith my parents in the middle east so my hubby came to the Middle east and i thankful to GOD that he came here we don't belong to the same community and life style so sure it would have been tough if we were in india, but one ting i know how ever lovable my hubby is gets mad when he heres the lines from me that\" He is settled in this place becsue of me\" he might say it tem times and is grateful so am i to GOD but he never can tolerate me saying that its very natural u know we all might say easilty DIVORCE but the word its self is scary so start s fresh give him one more chance pamper him and his ego, sho him the love u feel for him and the respect( more imp.) and see if he changes explain what u espect from himtry things that can revive the spark the passion and the love the repect and u regain ur repect too.. u might have done lot for him but some things are better off never mentioned ...
all the best ..