Relationships  Discussion Forum

It's all up to you as to how much you want to allow and what not. But few key things ...

1. How's your husband? Does he support you? You would need to work out house rules with him for you in-laws to follow. Things like make sure you, your husband and your baby have some times set side for yourselves as a family to bond.

2. mil -- if she is telling you things to do and you dont' like to follow her all the time. then speak up at right times, and make your wishes known. example, if she want you to cook aloo and you want karela, then say aaj karela karenge, aloo kal karlenge, something along those lines.
if she wants to play with your baby all the time, then come up with a reason to go out on a walk with your baby alone. i'm not sure what kind of situaitons she'll create with you baby, but you'll have to speak up and draw a line as to what you would allow her to do and what not. also, you need to make sure your husband is on the same page on that with you.

3. if your mil is acting one way in front of other and one way behind closed doors. then i would just let that slide. there isn't much you can do about that. that's just the way she is. god's watching. you do what's right to you and your duty, leave the rest the god.

main thing -- you shouldn't let the way she behaves hurt you. you need to change what's happening onces it starts bringing you down. you need to be self content and happy with your family, your husband and baby.

wish you all the best.

thanks a lot jyoti,
got yr point will surely follow it.

I can understand. a lot of the guys don't like to hear anything negative about their moms, especially from their wives. you just have to word what you say carefully, so that it doesn't sound like you are saying bad things about his mom. like you said, he does stand up for you, so it is a good thing. you just have to make his understand your point of view without hurting his feelings.

example--talking late hours and not having enough time to yourself & husband getting angry. I can understand that, as i go through the same thing with my mil. every awake minute he is around, my mil and fil won't leave him alone, and practically don't leave us alone ever. she'll stand next to him, even when he's brushing his teeth -- follow him everywhere. as usual. sometimes it goes beyond 11pm. my husband politely will entertain her as long as she needs. So every now and then, i'll bring iin reality. I will stop by and say, don't you want to go to sleep. it's 11pm and we have to get up early tomorow for work or we have to do this tomorrow. we better get some sleep. so then she'll say, oh, yes, go on, let's go to bed. also, it takes a toll on both your husband and yourself (your baby too), if you don't get enough sleep. so don't make a huge deal out of it with your husband, but just make a passing comment like--you know lately we are not getting enough sleep. we should take care of ourselves to support the rest of the family (baby, mom, dad).

you have to throw small hints at him, like make a face with your baby and say -- 'daddy come play with us, we miss you'. or when you are bathing the baby, ask him to come help you. if your mil comes, say, i called for hubby. if he gets angry, just ignore that, and keep on finding other ways to convey that message to him. like when you are busy in the kitchen, sit you baby for her food, and ask your husband to come help continue the feeding for a couple of minutes while you finish washing that cup. that way, you won't be inviting or leaving your mil a chance to come between your family. if she offers, just drop the cup and say, no i got it. the more opportunities you create for you hubby to interact with you and your baby, he may start doing it more. if your hubby says, why not let mom do xyz, just say, i wanted your help, if you can help, i don't want to trouble mom.

you can also plan some outings with other families/friends with a child of smiliar age. and just say, so and so invited us, we should go. that way your in-laws can't invite themselves. just create situtaions where you'll have time with your hubby and your baby. you just have to be careful.

i know that we have certain duties towards parents, but at the same time parents need to realize where to draw a line. if parents end up running their adult children's life, that is not helping, it's interferring. so if they dont' draw that line, you have to draw a line. if she tells you put yellow dress on, say no, today, the blue outfit looks better. yellow will be good for saturday or something. the more you start saying no, the less she'll do that. she'll realize you dont' listen to everything she says anyway, she'll get the point. also, saying it that way you won't be disrespecting her. yes, her feeling may get hurt, but you are the mother she is not, and you need to convey that message.

like when she asked you about if she is creating trouble by keeping you guys up late, instead, you could have said -- it's fine. but not sleeping enought does take a toll, he has to do xyz the next day. every now and then its okay. so being too polite and not letting her know, will only make things worse. so like i said, stand up when need be.

wish you all the best. sorry for the long write-up.

hi jyoti,
first of thanks for yr reply..
my husband is ok kind of person will never like to hear against his mom and in the same hand will also no hear against me.
i think i did some mistakes earlier...
i never left them alone ie we use to take them everywhere we go infact we dint go even for dinner or movie alone we take them where ever we go.
ther r certain things which really hurts me a lot
like she will not allow him to goto bed till 11 both will be talking for long time ,and i will be waiting for my hubby to come he will be very tired by then and go to sleep he speeks heardly for 5 mins or so.(i feel she does purposefully as she herself told me that my fil has asked her not to do it,and asked me whether i have any probs and i had to say no)i spoke about it to my hubby and he got angry so normally i dont say anything to him about her.
i am afride to tell himabout spending some time alone with my baby or him when they come here.
sometimes from there she commends me and tell me which dress i have to put for my baby it really irretates me but my hubby never finds anything wrong.

how can i handle it ie how can i tell her with out hurting not to interfere .