Planning a Baby  Discussion Forum

Hi There,

I was just going through your site and just wanted to express my views and ideas on adoption and if its good or bad. The way I look at it, every situation can be good or bad. The are a few possible reasons in my opinion, as to why parents give away their kids to foster parents. Now let me remind you that these are just my views and ideas. They are open to any critizisim and comments. Here are a few of reasons I can think of and my opinion on them.

- India is a huge country but its not the richest country on the planet. About 70-90% of the people live in poverty. People just barley make enough to support a family of two. Family planning is never a point of focus to them. In most cases they cant support their kids and will gladly want to share the responsibility with someone else if given the option hence they give up their kids for adoption. If the concerned parents have lots of girls, they get them married off at an early age to whom ever or gave them away for adoption.

- In our culture generally speaking, we put a lot of emphasis on family and how they should be there for each other. Sometimes when a certain relative in the family is unable to conceive, they request someone in their family to give away one of their children to make them happy. Actually this is a common thing in our Families. Most parents since they know the family and being their own flesh and blood dont feel hesitant to give away their kids.

- another reason I would say is non-wedlock pregnancy, In our society, for a women to get pregnant before marriage is a huge sin. This just cant happen hence if it does the child born is given away for adoption. I think this is better then just aborting the child. I dont know how common that is in India since I didnt have the experience of living there but I am sure its there. Some of other reasons I can think of is poverty, lack of available and reliable birth control, mental illness, lack of affordable housing, underemployment, domestic violence, education for parents. I am sure there are so many more.

I am adopted child myself. In my case, my Foster parents are actually my aunt and uncle. My biological fathers older brother. I was adopted when I was a couple of months old and wasnt made consciously aware until my own Father passed away three years ago. Now its all in the open but left a lot for me to think about. I have never really complaint to my biological parents as to why they gave me away and how it was fair or unfair of them. Dont get me wrong, I dont regret that I was adopted at all. My Dad gave me the most Love and Care a person can ask for. My mom has always been the strict kind and my Dad was always linent and will let me get away with lots. Anyways, one that gets to me is that now that everyone inside or outside of the family is aware that I was adopted, they think or at least I think they do, that my Dads death shouldnt be as hard for me since I have parents already. This is the impression I get anyways. I feel very hurt sometimes and dont know how to deal with this who to talk to about it. I dont like opening up with anyone. The only person who I was closed to was my father who is no more. I currently live with my mom but its weird because somewhere in the back of her head she knows that I am aware that I was adopted but she makes it seem like I wasnt. Its a weird feeling, weird situation. In my opinion, if you do give away your kids for adoption, you should either tell him/her when he is sensible enough to understand the concept of adoption or dont tell him/her at all. I wish I hadnt know that I was adopted. Kimberly replied. Amber, my husband and I are in the middle of filling out all the paperwork in order to adopt a child from India. We are not Indian, we are simply Americans. We adopted our daugher, age 5 now, when she was a newborn. We have always talked to her about the day she was born and how we adopted her. We thought it very important that she knew all about her adoption all along. As she gets older, and better able to understand the concept, she will likley ask us questions and want more detail. That it just what we want to happen! Another perspective on adoption is that it is a fantastic, wonderful way for a child to come into your life and be a part of your family. I could not love her more if I had given birth to her. I am actually very glad now that I was not able to concieve or else I would never have had the wonderful daughter that we have now. Another thing I noticed in the many replies to your e-mail, is that people need to change the way they refer to adoptees. For example, people should say that a child was placed for adoption, not \";given away\";. What a negative way of looking at adoption. Well, I just wanted you to know that adoption is a WONDERFUL thing! - Thanks for the opportunity to hear your story. kick @ straitsarea . com replied.
You possibly might be interested in joining a support group for
adult
adoptees from SouthAsia.
Kathy

SAIA-T · South Asian International Adoptees Talk

Description Category: International Adoptions
This group offers a forum for adult adoptees from South Asia, ie.
India,
Pakistan, Bangaledesh, Sri Lanka, and Nepal, to talk to each other,
to
network, and to discuss freely their feelings and experiences in
being
adopted internationally.

This group offers a space to share your experiences, strengths, and
hopes.
We hope that the list will be neither all positive, nor all negative,
but
a
true journal of the journeys.

We are glad you found us. Currently we define 'adult' as 18 years
old
and
up.

The list owner is not a member of the Indian adoption triad and
will be
looking for an adult Indian adoptee to help in moderating the
administrative
aspects of the list.


Reshma Jiwani replied. Amber, I can only try to understand your feelings, but I hope you realise that parents go through a lot with the kind of attitude society has for adoption.

I have one child and wish to adopt a girl. The messages here are helpful in understanding the viewpoints of adoptees and especially Indians. My husband and me wish to adopt but our families arent for it. It is going to be difficult for us.

I was always of the view that one should not tell the child that he or she is adopted,because then they go through a lot of emotional upheavels, but as I read what you all have to say I guess it is better the child knows from the parents than someone else. Because people love to tell such things and soon everyone close or far knows about it and someone might tell and tell it in a real bad way.

I would like to know though, even if you tell the child as soon as he can comprehend, they will grow up and think about it again and want to now everything about themselves , whether you can give them all the details or not. How does one deal with that. I think when I adopt that will always be on my mind...someday my child...in her 20s 30s 40s will ask me some questions and I will probably live dreading that day. Purnima replied. I can understand your feelings about finding out about your adoption so late in life (how old were you?). It is best to tell the child when he/she is old enough to understand, so that it is part of his/her growing up and not such a shock. Hope by now you have realized that your parents have given you all the love and care that has made you \";YOU\"; and appreciate them better. Do not hold any grudges against your mother for \";pretending\"; that you are not adopted - she does not remember that aspect at all - for her you are HER child.

I have adopted a child, and she is now 10 years old. We told her about her adoption when she was 6 yrs old, and she is the most fantastic child a mother can have - I guess all mothers feel that their child is THE BEST! Well, though we all know that she is adopted and often discuss it, we do not feel that she is not ours. SHE IS OURS and nobody else's - the fact of her birth is through adoption, but she is every bit our child. I am sure your mother feels the same and she does not have to keep making you feel that she knows you are adopted.

Now that your father is gone, she needs you all the more. Give her that support. Nayantara replied. Hi Amber,
I think youre so brave and so special. You know, even if your family had not told you of your adopted status, some busy-body or cruel child would have told you anyway, and that might have been much more traumatic. I agree that the child should be told as soon as he is old enough. For you, I feel that coming to know so late, has shaken your sense of identity. Its also nice and not-so nice that you are actually from the same family. At least there is no question of your origins, imagine if you had no idea of your birth parents. I have heard that most adopted kids have a need to meet their birth parents to come to terms with their identity. At least you are spared that.
You are also shaken and depressed as you found this out at a time of grief and sorrow. Its hard, I can feel for you, but you will work it out in your head.
I have always had an intense desire to adopt a child. I lost my first natural child last year. I am thinking of trying for another, and then definitely adopting.
I think that you need to talk about your feelings. Find a trusting, non-judgemental friend or relative, or doctor. otherwise, browse the Internet for adoption sites, Im sure you can pour out your heart to other adoptees. Only they will know exactly how you feel.
Celebrate your special status. Most of us natural children dont know if we were really wanted or not. You know that your adoptive parents longed for you. Adoption is a taboo subject in India. I expect to have a rough time defending myself when I do adopt, but as you said, there are a lot of children out there. I have been fortunate and would like to share my fortune with a child. Most people are going to find it hard to believe that I do not have a medical problem, and still want to adopt. I know that my own mother lost her first child, and after having me wanted to adopt, but her family would not allow her. Think how brave your parents were to face all that.
Your real parents are your adoptive parents. Dont listen to people saying you should not grieve for your dad. Think about him for as long as you want to. Didnt he give you all the love he had in his heart?
Remember that any adopted child will always come to know his status. Even if its when hes 50 years old, somebody is always there to tell him the truth. And the truth ALWAYS sets you free, no matter how much it hurts.
Good luck, and be proud of yourself and love yourself. Forget peoples prejudiced opinions. jamuna replied. I feel that earlier you tell the child about the adopted status, the better it is to digest. Even I told my child about it very early in life. We share a wonderful relationship tilldate. sarika replied. I lost my dad two years back and it still brings tears to my eyes when i think about himwhich I do pretty often. The pain does not go away but it does kind of fade with time. Im saying this to you because you lost your dad and thats all you should be grieving and trying to cope with. It dosent matter that you were adopted. I was trying to put myself in your shoes when reading your words and I believe that even if I knew I was adopted it would definetly not make the pain any less or make the memories less special. Do not worry about what anyone else says. Block out any negative people or vibes and just deal with your own grief. Please talk about your feelings with your friends or at least write your feelings down. It definetly helps to put it down on paper or even here on this discussion. I have an aunt whose father died of cancer and she took care of him throughout his last few months and the priest, while making the mortuary cards, had the gall to tell her that she should make a good card so that she can feel like she did something for her dad. So remember that there are always negative people around to make you feel bad...but thats only if YOU let them. Just remember that you were loved and you have to pass on that love and nothing else matters. ajay replied. Nayantara..there are a lot of children in this world who are waiting for people to love them and if you have that love in your heart to share please do. Dont think about what people say. Mary Beth replied. Amber,
As a parent who is adopting a child, I like to read adoptees opinions about their feelings and adoption. My hope is to learn and therefore provide the best environment for our son to come to terms with his adoption. What I have learned is that each adoptee deals with these things differently and in their own ways. But they need to deal with it eventually. People outside of adoption make incredibly insensitive remarks which can make an adoptee question things that most people dont need to deal with. You should be able to talk and grieve about your dad. Remember that others have not been through what youve experienced. I agree with the other posting to search other adoption sights to find support groups or other adoptees that can share too. You may find that you are not alone and can find people who truly know what you are trying to understand and come to terms with. Some of the questions you raise are things that I will always question how to share with our son. I hope that you are able to find the resolution that you are looking for. Dont give up and dont listen to people who blurt out insensitive comments. No one has the right to tell you how and how long you should grieve for anyone! Your mom may also not understand how to deal with this loss and your feelings too...so she may avoid the whole topic. Especially if this was not discussed with you until your fathers death. You may try to discuss this with her on a day that you think you could handle and see what happens. It would at least open your eyes to her side of the situation. If it is negative then you must find others to help you. If it is positive you may find it is a way to begin to deal with your grief. Good Luck. smriti replied. when i adopted a baby girl i had to contend with relatives snide comments saying things like pata nahin kaise khaandan se hai and who knows what kind of blood is coursing through her veins. but in the end, i had to decide if those people were more important to me, or was my immediate family and happiness of prime importance. i now have a lovely baby girl and cannot imagine a greater happiness than watching her grow and loving her every step of the way.