Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi,
Iam in a great dilemma as i sit down to write this.It embarasses me that an educated woman like me has to go thru' something like this&feel helpless.
We have been married for over a yr,an arranged marriage.My husband is very calm&reserved by nature which has been a ,major factor in both of us bonding,as he rarely expresses himself.
He is a good person but it is frustrating to have him so calm[to this day he has rarely told me he is feeling tired/wants to do so &so].
I have &still do try to get him to talk.However the issue is my husband is very active in the bedroom&in fact have always found him to be more receptive to my views&ideas soon after we have sex.When we have had a regular busy day or when there has been no sex he is hooked onto the net/the tv&it is a big task to get him to talk or discuss any problem.I for one don't like to use sex as the only media to get across to him bcos i want a healthy understanding with my hub in the yrs to come.
In the midst of all this he has since our dys together been behind me for anal sex,after a lot of refusing[i basically hate the idea& have suffered from an anal fissure in the past]had to give in bcos he said just for a min.The exp was disgusting&painful to me but his begging has continued&to this day he insists&has tried force on me to achieve what he wants.This has hurt my feelings so much i have in fact slowly started losing interest in our normal sex life.
Tell me friends when your partner is so aloof with regard to his emotions how is it possible to have regular,daily sex[he wants to have it everyday]esp when he asks me for something which hurts me.
My reasoning with him has been futile now he claims his attitude&reluctance to talk or involve in family issues is bcos i don't keep him happy.
Iam reaching the end of the rope with respect to my patience&realise my feelings&respect for him is dwindling!Which is not a good thing!
Divorce is not an option bcos i want to make this work,pls can u'll tell me how i can make my husband understand.
I realise this is a kind of abuse&am very heartbroken.
Ihave tried telling him lets go for counselling but guys of india rarely believe/accept they need this help!


nirja replied. if you dont want to have anal sex with your husband, he should NOT try and push you for it. that is WRONG and yes, it is abusive. do NOT get bullied by his tactics. he is trying to emotionally blackmail you because he knows you get upset. however, talk to him about it, and tell him that anal sex is not at all an option. do not react if he tries to emotionally blackmail you. you dont seem to have much of a marriage, and you are still young. are you sure u dont want to just walk out and be with a man who will love you and care for you much more? an option is, you could get a job, which will provide you will more fullfillment. i dont think his quiet nature will change. i think u will need to find fullfillment in areas outside your marriage life, such as your job and career. u cannot keep forcing him to talk or spend time with you. once he sees you are a fulfilled person on your own, who knows, maybe he will start regaining insterst in you, and will want to knwo what is happening in your life, in your office, etc.. all the best. i hope things work out for you. u seem to be an intelligent woman, so dont be afraid of getting out there and finding your dreams.
beena replied. hello friend

i can understand ur feeling, first of all both of have a talk about this issue. he should respect ur feelings of having sex or not. it should be yes from both the sides, the days r gone when a woman was a puppet to listen to the man. v too have our own feelings,moods of having sex or not. u refuse whenever u dont have mood. be strict. believe that ur marriage is a strong one and these small issues wont break it up.but b4 all these things u speak to ur hubby explain it to him sex is to be enjoyed not to feel as a burden.
all the best