Relationships  Discussion Forum

I think it has been rightly termed that mother in laws are actually a Monster in Laws..and this is what my MIL too. I don’t know what her problem is, but she can never be nice to me..no matter how nice and respectful I be to her. She finds faults in every single things and shouts at me like a crazy witch. She is always interfering in all our matters. I think she is taking undue advantage of me and my husband. My husband is nice but he doest like to face the problems. He likes to run from it and thinks that everything is fine. He does not want to talk about any problem, I had told him to tell his mom that she should behave well. He sees everything…but instead he would tell me to shut up. I can only bear all this trauma to certain extent. I told him to make a choice..so he asked me to get out. Even though he did not mean it…but he still shouted at me..instead of telling his mom to beahve…I hope he realize that how bad his mom is as a MIL. I have 2 kids…my MIL takes care of kids when I am out to work…I appreciate that…and I always try to be nice her…but she thinks that I am bad…I am sure she sees that how hard I work from 5 am in the morning to 10 pm….handling full time job and then kids in the evening, preparing for next day in the evening is draining me out. She still says that I don’t do anything…. My husband does not help at all in all household chores and my MIL says that he is not supposed to do anything…
I am frusturated with all this going in my life…..I don’t think I can get rid of her…as my husband would not let her move out. We are in US and my IL’s have their house in India..my MIL has been living with us since I had my first child 2.5 yrs ago….My FIL is nice and always speaks nicely to him and I always give him his due respect…

Sometimes I think that Marriage is a waste…what do you get after marrying…you are a princess in your parents home till you are married, your husband ( I mean fiancé) is so nice to you before marriage but afterwards..your life is a hell…you work like servants..your inlaws treat you like a shit…you always have to be careful before you say anything and they will still find faults in you….you have to deal with mood swings of everybody including your husband…not matter how much you are faithful to ur husbands he would still find faults in you and defend his parents….he would expect you to be nice to his family and would be disrespectful to your family….and .then you are stuck with kids…cant do anything because of kids…cannot walk out of this system because of kids…

I am so depressed with all this…Please advice…your advices are so wise and always cheer me up


YourFriend replied. Hi Priety,
I read your posting many times just to get an idea of the situation.
Belive me am a DIL just like you and face nitty gritty problems from my MIL as well.
Firstly looking at this situation from your MIL point of view. She stays in your house for past 2 years or so. She baby sits your kids. Shes home alone all day and definetely she is cooking lots of ideas in her head. Being in US and not many people to talk to, what i anticipate she must be thinking whole day how much she is doing for you.
So when you come back home in the evening looking sucessfull and maybe when she sees you happy she gets out her frustration on you.
Husband will never fight with his mom for you. Also he might not fight with you for his mom too. SO he doing anything is not happening.
If you need your MIL you will have to put up with her tantrums.
If you wish life to be better send your MIL back home in India. Take charge of your family. Day cares are not that bad as you think like. Kids get sick true, but well they will grow out of it. Its a phase.
One more thing, dont think yourself as a victim. Every single girl has a mother in law to deal with.
You take care. Hope I made you feel better.

burdened_dil replied. my hubby is scared to drive, to buy a house, to have a child , almost scared of everything. imagine i have to keep motivating him plus ignore mil's comments.

do difficulties make u matured ???????? or make u a lunatic. Ritika replied. First of all, please do not expect that your husband will ever say anything like \" I will leave my mother for you\" . If he hasnt supported you till now, what makes you think that giving him such Yes/No choices is going to make him see reason? All it will do is make you rMIL hapy and you hurt.

Second of all, I don't know what yu think you ae gaining by keeping your MIL in your house for 2.5 yrs! Knowing how she is ruining your marriage and peace of mind, why are still keeping her with you? Why don't you put your kids in day care and ask your MIL to go back to her own home in India? Since you have already let the situation become too embroiled, you might have to resort to some excuses to put yr kids in daycare. You can say that it will be good that they interact with othe kids all day and participate in numerous activities rather than stay at home by themselves.

For this you might have to discuss with your husband before hand and make him agree before. Then tell your in laws what you have decided. If you let them make all your decisions, believe me, you will never get what you want..ever.

Lastly, about sharing house hold chores, you need to again talk to your husband...tell him nicely that just as he is tired in the evening, so are you...and would he be sweet enough to help you a little bit with the kids etc in the evening. Talk to him alone on this issue. Again, believe me - no indian mom will ever say that \" her son is supposed to help the bahu in household chores\" . 99% of MIL's will say that men are not supposed to do these things or help their wives.

If your husband refuses to do anything, then talk to him nicely about it...keep after him to help you...you can always say that you dont get any time to talk with him and when you wokr together, at least you get some alone time with him...

If your MIL interferes and says that husbands don't do these things - then tell her gently ki \" mummy, ye sab purane zamane ki baatein hain, jab biwi kaam nahi karti thee. Aaj kal to har pada likha husband apni wife ki help karta hai...aur kaun se shastra mein likha hai ki ghar ka kaam karne se insaan chota ho jata hai...\"

Also, tell your husband that you two are going to be together all your lives...and if you don't feel happy, then how can you make him happy? Also, if you can when he starts disrespecting you rparents, tell him that respecting parents goes both ways...and if he still abuses your parennts, then leave the room.

Th eproblem is that when you keep giving in to your MIL and husband, and keep taking abuses, they are feeling in control and think that they can get away with anything. You need to start defending yourself..and whne I say that I don't mean get hysterical and start screaming abuses back...nobody wil ltak eyou seriously then...but be firm about about what you want and what you are going to do...and for heaven's sake, DO NOT go out of your way to be nice to your MIL...all it is doing is giving her the confidence to be mean to you ad think that you'll never say anything back to her...

Hope this helps. Take care.... di bh replied. Hey everybody is more or less in same situation.There is no solution to it. only we shud make some solution happen.even i am in US. not staying with my in laws.they tried to run my life for 4 years. but i was not responding but 6 months back i had it. Our marriage was in serious trouble and my in laws blamed it on me. that was the last straw. I gave them good.Only thing is my husband didnt stand up for me but i only responded.That time my husband didnt say i shudnt have said what i said. the point is we shudnt expect husbands to stand up for us.You are a smart independant woman. why dont u sit down with your mil and have a talk and tell her what u feel and involve your fil also in this .this way she will know u mean business.

If it still does not work why dont u try to spend some time outside before coming home from work.Say for an hour.Maybe have some coffee with your friends or visit a beauty parlor. In that way it will relax u a little bit before going home .If this also doesnt work have a talk with your MIL .