Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi,

My husband comes from a large family (8 sisters, 1 brother). He is the youngest. When we got married, I was young, quiet and shy. We got married in England because all of his family was there. But the problems started from the beginning. First, they did all the preparations for the wedding and had a family reunion the next day. I really wanted to be alone with my husband right after the wedding but i had no say in it.
I had to join about 36 people in a reunion for 4 days. He's family is now spread out around the world. When we were first married, i couldn't join him because he wasn't a citizen and so I had to live with my in-laws.
It wasn't easy especially with the teenage daughters but I survived.Later I went to live with my parents who were elsewhere. What has upset me the most though, is that while I waited to join him, his sisters exploited him. One of his sisters was studying in England with her family. She began crying to him to support her while her husband sat at home
and watched TV. They lived in England for 7 years without working, just living with family and manipulating my husband for money. This went on for about 4 years until I was able to join my husband. During that time the sister living with him would tell him how difficult it was for the other sister and her family. My husband have them credit cards for support while he lived
with another sister(not married)who was doing much better than him but is just a miser. During this time I told my husband that I would like to live separately from his sister when I joined him. I also came to know that she called me 'nasty' etc. without even having lived with me. They also told him that they hadn't been invited to my parents wedding, that my brother shouldn't waste
money on his education but should try for a scholarship,etc. She also told her friends that we would have been on the street had it not been for her. My husband is quiet and doesn't normally reply back. We now leave separately, his sister sold the old place to him at an amount that was like paying rent for ten years while the equity went towards her house. Also, they are very close to his ex-girlfriend who left their brother for another man, who then left her. In fact, when they go back home, they tend to spend more time with her (she got interested in my husband again after he graduated and got a good job). I was thinking, if they really loved hime, would they want him to go back to a woman who had left him and humiliated him previously? Or is it just because they get stuff from her family like free hair cuts, etc? (My husband's family didn't have much when they were growing up). I, on the other hand, had a very successful family. But the two families were not on good terms as opposed to his ex-girlfriend's family and them. What blew me off though, was that when I went home on holiday last year to visit my parents, his 2 other sisters also came to visit their sister there. I was there for 3 months and they had come for a week. They went out for picnics but left me out totally. I had called them when they arrive but they were at a picnic. I felt totally ignored
especially after my husband had helped that one sister when she was in England with her family. I feel they are very ungrateful and manipulative especially the one who's there. She said she was too busy for 3 months to invite me over. So when I got back I told my husband about them. He doesn't call them as much as he used to. He was very close to his family and excepted them as they were. I sometimes feel
guilty and sad for him but I am just so annoyed with them. I haven't mentioned to them that I know about the financial support they were getting from my husband, and how they made him leave me while I was in England to go and be more 'responsible' while another sister got the money. Now his brother is living with that sister, but she says that he doesn't have to work just like her husband. One sister also stopped him from getting married
because he didn't have a good job at the time according to her. She now wants my husband to bring him to join us here, claiming that she will look after him. They also claim that they've done a lot for him when he was young, his father died when he was four but he had his mother until he was 21. So I really don't see how they could have done \";so much' for him. I do not have much experience with in-laws, can anyone suggest how I should deal with this situation?

Thanks. Marie replied. Hi Veba,

Thank you for the advise. I am sorry to hear about what you went through with your in-laws. For you it was especially more difficult because of the children. For me it is seven years since I got married. I have grown up a lot since then. I used to fight a lot in the beginning with my husband because of his family. He does listen to me now. But I sometimes do feel a bit sad and upset that I seem to be the one who has broken up their tight-knit family. And i am also quite hot tempered, so I constantly seem to be thinking that sometimes i might be to harsh with them but at the same time I cannot let my guard down because they are manipulative.

Best of luck to you too! veba replied. I have been married for 30 years now. For the first 20, it was hell with my in-laws. My husband and I were in love and still are. But it took a price to wake him up regarding his mother and family.

My husband came from a controlling, manipulating, greedy, lieing mother which passed these to my husbands sister. I was the \";slave\"; of the family.
His younger brother was just a leach on us too. His mother has been married four times while each time draining all from everything those men had. She use to control everything in our lives. No matter how many times I would try to break us free, she would move to where we were. Granted, we have only moved within a 20 minute drive from my husband job. Whether it be in one direction or four she was always only about a 10 minute drive from us.

I would cry and tell my husband all the things his family would do and say to me behind his back. But he couldn't see it. They were all sweet as sugar with me when we were all together. This went on with our four children as well. Our last two sons were not even ever really close to M-I-L cause she used the excuse that it was the culture to only be close to the first boy and girl born to a sibling.

It was when the M-I-L came and took our daughter to live with her when our girl was 16 that he finally saw his mom for what she truly was/is. Of course she lied and convinced the family that we were abusive to our daughter and promised her everything in the world if daughter would be with her. What 16 year old would give up a car and what ever else she wanted. Although, our daughter would tell that we were not harmful to her but the rest of hte family chose to believe thier mom. We have not spoken to any of his family in 15 years now.

Our relationship has been wonderful the whole time because I didn't give up. I knew the truth of his mom would reveal its self one day. We now have a great parent and daughter connection but the inlaws are still out'a the picture.

As to your situation, how long do you want to give your husband to see the truth about his family? And what price will you have to pay until that happens. that is a question you will have to come to within yourself.

The more you tell your husband of these things the more he will turn to those he's been with his entire life. Hopefully he will see the truth before it costs him in $$'s and his children.
may god be with you in your decission, life and love.