Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hello friends,

Most of us are victims of cruelty and mental tortures from in-laws especially MILs. When I read the posted messages in this message board, I feel that I am not going through anything unusual. I guess it's normal...and it is destiny of us Indian Daughter in Laws....

Anyway..most of us have kids and we all love our kids a lot..Do you think that in future we will be like our MILs when our kids get married. I hope I never turn out to be like my MIL....I will never be interfering in their lives...

My son is only 3 and I am thinkinh about all this :-)

What do you all think..the situation would be when our sons get married? psk replied. Hi everyone,
I have thought about the same several times...I read it somewhere that we are the source for the children to come in to this world and they are not the puppets to dance according to what we say...They have their own interset and indviduality and we should just help them to bring out that and not to force them in anything....Yes,even the birds feed their smaller ones only until they know to fly and after that they them self will fly in search of food.But only the parents of *SONS*,that too who are born in India hold their sons forcefully especially after the marriage..
As swapna said, i will teach my son to be independent..and i am making up my mind not to depend on anyone .i want treat my DIL as PRINCESS and she should not feel the Home sick at all..
No matter what we undergo,our DILs should not have tears in their eyes just because of us.
ALL THE BEST FOR EVERYONE whoever is future MIL, to be good and to think positive. Swapna replied. Wow,a very interesting thread indeed.I hope many others would come forward with their views.On the outset ,I stay away from my in-laws , and that's what is making my life cooler.But despite staying thousands of miles away,they never spare an oppurtunity to insult me or my parents.They called me all sorts of names when I was newly married,cursed me and what not.They found fault with me in everything i did.My Mil insulted me in front of the maid when I was a new bride.In fact ,my Mil threw her Mil out of the house and never cared for her.That old lady is still alive,lives with her other son and never in touch with these people.
Now Im expecting my first child and I had resolved that if I had a son,I would literally chase him out of the house once he starts to work : ) I want him to lead an independent life even before he got married so that I wont feel his absence much after he is married and my DIL came.Im quite sure that I never would be like my Mil or Fil who rule over everybody in the family.I completely agree with Ritika's views.Im going to love my child ,but not going to make me life totally dependent on his.Else as she said,I'd only be doing my Mil to my Dil again. shayna replied. Its true ,yrs of suppressed anger,bitterness loss of control and revolving one's life around their son is what turns women into their most hated person the 'Spiteful MIL'.

The only way to undo that is to tell your mil at least once the hurt she caused in your lives.
We tend to cling onto our sons for dear life and in the end ruin their lives by playing with their emotions and creating the unnecessary turmoil and mental pain for many many yrs into their lives.
The only other way is to let go of our sons and let them enjoy their married life,see your dil as you once were and change and break the pattern.
No I don't have kids yet,but this fear is there at the corner of my mind too. But i want to break that pattern of illtreatment.
In my mil's case she had the best mil anyone could have had,and believe me it was she who was tortured by my mil. People used to love my husband's granny.She was a very silent and a kind woman but all her people ill treated her including her husband .

The illtreatment has no logic its cruel. So the knowledge and our personal experiences that we have are valuable ,just look back into our lives and we would be able to see what our daughters in law go thru.
Lets wish ourselves all the best for our future roles. Ritika replied. I dont have kids yet, but I think the key problem is that when moms focus tooooo much on their kids (sons) to the exclusion of everything else in their lives, they lose perspective of what a balanced life is... When you start thinking that you are only living because of your son + you keep telling your son that, then it will automatically be hard to let go of him when he grows up.

It will be hard anyways to let go of anyone you love but doubly hard when you have lived your life solely for the kid and forgotten to have a life of your own.

Also somtimes when the mil is ill treating the dils, and the dil's silently take the abuse (maybe because the husband is not supporting them, maybe because they are too soft hearted or soft spoken and cant utter a word in their defense etc etc)..thus increasing their bitterness..and when years later they get a soft target (in the form of a dil) , they fall in the cycle of dil abuse. Mostly by thinking that their son who till might be the only one offering sympathetic support in the household to her is going to become close to some \";other\"; woman. The feeling of losing the most important place in her son's heart might be her undoing...

My mil suffered from her own mil in her time...and when I got married, she told everyone that she is not going to be like a traditional saas...well the next thing I knew was that she had problems in letting me finish my masters (she herself is a PhD), joining a job (she herelf is working, but she told me that you cant balance both household and work and I should not be career oriented and neglect my family)), letting me wear salwar kameez (instead of sari), letting me wear a sari without my head covered all the time, letting me touch anything in her kitchen, letting me go once in a while to my parents place...in short..everything!! Fortunately my husband was supportive of me (in front of her) and that's how she backed off a bit..plus I told her after a while that I'm going to do what I want because that is important to me..and I can balance everything in my life with the support of my husband and she need not worry.