Relationships  Discussion Forum

I wanted to gain some external views and advice on a situation that I am facing. I am married for 4 years now. We live abroad, both are well educated and are working. Wife is pregnant with our first child.

Since our marriage, my wife has been complaining about my parents, picking fights on small things and blocking any conversation with my parents. She has been very critical about my job and my salary and complaining about money matter.

These days she constantly abuses me and my parents. She has declared that parents should not be allowed to visit us abroad. Not allowing me to speak to them either. She has declared that she will not allow parents to see our child.

I am choosing not to respond since doing so escalates the quarrel and never turns into a rationale discussion. The abuse and criticism is affecting my personal and professional life.

I have communicated the issues to in-laws and they support wife' s behavior and abusive nature.

How would you recommend to deal with the situation? What are the ways to bring parents and wife closer? How to ensure the family remains in harmony?

ujawala replied. hi,
if your wife dont want to talk with your parents so ask her what is a reason behind that, and you have to take strict step like you can also oppose her for the same. kranti replied. hello arun,
its realy shocking to hear that how your wife behave like this, ask her what is a problem with her, or there is something other in her mind going on, so just check it out, and you keep yourself calm down. rihana replied. hi arun,
i read your post and its one year back so what is seen now is there any change in your wife behaviour of she behave same till now, share your experience here it will helpful to us. Ashna replied. Usually people thing that in a relationship it is always the husband who is abusive and does things to hurt the wife but people need to understand that it is not always the case. Some times it is the wife you troubles the husband. NN replied. The most important things in a relationship are trust and respect and if your wife can not respect you or your family then you both should part ways. There is no meaning in staying unhappy for people who do not care. Hardika replied. Talk to her and explain her everything. Consult a good family therapist and explain yourself and listen to your wife's point too and then see what the doctor has to say about it. If everything goes well you can be a happy family. NN replied. See it is not wise to stay in a relation when your partner does not respect you or understands you. You can take to marriage counselors and try to work on things and if it does not improve you should consider separation. No Name replied. Hello Arun,
So how is your child now can you share your opinion and what your wife is saying about your parents how much you had solved your problem so that we too can know which step you have taken also. Sremani replied. Hello arun,
As a girl i can suggest you both your parents and wife is important in your life.You cannot leave any body so you try to change your wife attitude because she leads her rest of life with you only.Make her mind to move in good way only. Megha replied. Hello Arun,
You have posted your issue but many people has given solutions which they thought would be correct for your issue.Then what have you done and even your first child might has entered in to this world.So what is the present situation in your home. varun replied. Hi Arun,
I know how difficult it will be for you when your wife is against to your parents and even keeping some restrictions for you also like asking you also not to speak them you just explain her in a good way.She will understand. Tripura replied. Hello Arun,
It is better you directly speak to your wife that why does she always posting such questions to you and what made her to talk like this.Try to speak out and solve the issue she is facing and better you do not take her harsh words because she is your wife and they are you are parents. Nikki replied. Hello Arun,
I understood your situation, parents are initial to you,wife must be secondary according to me. As a girl i suggest you treat your wife in her own way it means, move according to her and change her way to you. ps replied. you should consult a psychologist or psychitrist. Innermost guide replied. Hi Arun,
I have been a recipient in an abusive relationship for 5 years. So can understand your situation. Let me assure nothing in your life prepares you for an abusive partner. You need to answer a few question for yourselves and some tips that have helped me are shared:
1. Does your wife talk about kindness or display kindness to unknowns, beggars, needy, animals, servants etc. Eg. My wife dehumanizes my servant. She is an old aunt and she sometimes cries. So you know the kindness of your wife.
2. You mentioned, “She has been very critical about my job and my salary and complaining about money matter.” Is she very ambitious, power hungry? For example my wife’s ambition was to be an IAS officer and control destinies of people around. She is pretty wanting intellectually. This tells about the wants of your wife and if she is unkind, she will keep grilling you for it.
3. “These days she constantly abuses me and my parents. She has declared that parents should not be allowed to visit us abroad. Not allowing me to speak to them either. She has declared that she will not allow parents to see our child.” – Shows that she is very unkind. You need to reinforce your parents mentally that her harsh words are like a mad person speaking and need to be seen as such. All humans look human but some are lions, wolves, cows etc. Don’t let your ego set up unreal expectations for your or your parents. I work at a top MNC with 2+monthly income and provide my housewife all facilities (cook, cleaning maid, bathroom cleaner, ironman) yet she only abuses me. Blood boils for hereth a person with no interest in other’s money; have spend and shauks of a person typically a quarter of my earnings. Tried jumping from my building but was not allowed by my innerself.
4. “I am choosing not to respond since doing so escalates the quarrel and never turns into a rationale discussion. The abuse and criticism is affecting my personal and professional life” - Listen to your heart because finally you need to ensure that the life other than her is so fulfilling that helps you carry the burden of domestic abuse. See that you are spending time with yourself, reading blogs of anything your want to learn, improve, know etc. Do what you really want to do rather than what anyone else - society, growth, progress, peer pressure etc wants to you to do.
5. I have communicated the issues to in-laws and they support wife' s behavior and abusive nature. –- Her father abused me, my family and even my dead father in his abusive discussions was not spared.
6. How would you recommend to deal with the situation? – Live your life connecting with your innermost. Where her biggest abuses don’t shake you. The whole life just listen to your innerself/ heart and no one. Also remember nobody can help you in this situation – your parent, law, relatives, friends no one. If such a discussion arises, she may misdirect the discussion by starting to cry and say that she is not loved by you, not taken to movies etc. Better to make yourself be clear of the personalities around you for they act by their nature and your expectations/ego will only hurt yourselves. I sometimes go to my home. Then take my car around and sob in it for 5 mins. Then talk to a friend about general things and feel better and come back. Sometimes tears start rolling in office – I go to the washroom and wash my face so that no one knows that they are tears.
7. What are the ways to bring parents and wife closer? – Just ensure that your parents have the right (low) expectations from your wife. Tell your wife rather than discuss. Tell them to mind their own business. Tell your parents about the dreaded laws in India where everyone of you and many relatives can be in jail, and make them accept the half glass.
8. How to ensure the family remains in harmony? - There is only one way that you have to be very very strong. The unshakable to your family. Don’t every refuse your wife anything. She remembers that for next 20 years. Accuse the other constraints. Always come back from office and look very tired, lots of work, pressure etc. Become the person facing the biggest calamities in life, so that they can be later used as constraints to some of her demand. Always say you will see to what she has to say (a cushioning statement rather than acceptance or rejection).
Please do share your journey as its uncovers. Best of luck. Elixir Opinion replied. Dear Arun,
Its been 4 years that u have been dealing with this lady and we both know that by now u must have calculated the chances of survival of ur marriage.. its not what ur wife thinks or do its about what impact all this is leaving on ur relationship...there are people who settle abroad and live happily without parents and then there are people for whom parents mean a lot and any such type of unreasonable restriction can cause irreparable damage to their relationship... so dear friend give urself sometime to think and take a decision.. tell ur wife what u want and also talk to her whether she is ready to accomodate ur parents or not.. if she still continues to be abusive and unreasonably demanding dont waste more time in this bad relationship... get out of there and live life the way u want to live...
Give ur marriage a chance buddy but not ur life....