Planning a Baby  Discussion Forum

Hi Archie and All,

I had a baby at 29 years of age. I worked ON and OFF for convenience of my baby. When ever I don't work I really faced seviare problem with my husband as he is too much money minded.He want me to work all the time.

Now I am 34 and now after struggling so much I am getting a parminant Job . Usually for my Job it taked lot of stess and tention. And I want to have one more baby but with Job it is not possible and can't have a baby up to year. But my mother hood is really crying I want to see one more baby of mine. And in first pregnancy it self I faced lot of complications of my pregnancy and still have very high back pain I can't even stand for half an hour so after one more year means I will be 35 years old. And my husband don't help me at all during the pregnancy. So how do I takle this situation. Job is also important to me becuase I can not stand my husband, myself staying at home. He almost treats me like a sarvent. Atleast if I work I have lot of respect in office feels happy than staying at home getting treated like useless getting counted each penny that I eat.

What ever the life is with myhusband I want a Job and the baby, do you all think it is possible for my situation. Please advice.

Thanks,
Nandini Nandini replied. Hello Arti,

Thank you for very much reply!. I have a heart some releaf some body understand my problem. Yes! Arti I thought about all the risk's that involved to have a baby that's why I could not decide what to do. I am struggling in my mind. I am live in US. Not much help we can get from out side. Getting cleaner 2 times a month does not solve the problem. The first baby of mine gives hard time giving him a bath, to make wear him cloths make him eat food cleaning his mess every day that he makes gives me lot of stess in by body and back. If I get some help for my first child than I can manage cooking food and everything by myself. If I send him to India he will get sick it happned him two times when ever I take him there he had seviare health problems.And my parents and In-laws can't manage him I tryed once.

Before I got this job I had a mis cariage becuase of stess and cound not manage my first child and house work.So I am thinking Ist 6 months bringing my parents here and after that my in-laws.Instead of bringing them after child birth.

Thank you very much again for your help and encouragement.

_Nandini Nandini replied. Hi Nandini,

I don't want to get into details but I can completely undertand your situation.

1) Having a baby after 35:
I do not think that having a baby at 35 can be too bad. Ofcourse you will have to take into account the additional risks of Downs etc. But most of that can be checked with blood tests and amnio. Your doctor can advise you on that.

2) About complications during pregnancy and back pain:

I am worried about how you will handle the pain and complications during pregnancy. I do not know where you are located. Can you get someone to help during your pregnancy? If India, can you employ someone fulltime to do the housework? It will be very expensive in the US and your husband might complain about the money spent.

Is there some treatment you can get for your backache in this one year before you conceive? You could get an appointment with the doctor to improve your health in the coming months. Again, I do not know the extent of your problems.

3) About managing after pregnancy:
This again, can you get some help? After the baby no. 2 is one year old, you can find some daycare outside the house. You will have to accept the fact that the bulk of the house work and childcare will fall onto you. I have seen this to be the case even among my American friends with so-called modern views. They end up doing most of the work.

4) About work giving you self-respect:
Since you yourself stated how it is important to you, this should be the main thing to keep you going. Your life will become fully centered around your work and kids. Of course there will be times when you feel like you are fighting a battle all alone. I know several people who do this everyday.

5) \";What ever the life is with my husband I want a Job and the baby\";

I admire your determination in this matter. There might be people who say that you want too much from life. But I disagree. If you are sure in your belief then you can do it.

\";do you all think it is possible for my situation. \";

A lot of it depends on how much help you can get from people other than your husband. Will he interfere if you decide to employ a maid? For example, I am in the US and presently at home with my 2 yr old. But I am very sure that once I start working I will employ a cleaning service atleast twice a month, no matter what husband thinks about it. The external help depends on where you are located.

I do not know the situation about cooking and food. Will you be able to cook large quantities in the weekends? That way you can just make fresh rice and buy chapathis during the week. Even that depends on your location.

In short, I am not concerned about all the things after birth of second child (if you know in advance the hard work and pain involved). What I am worried about is your health during pregnancy. You should be able to sustain a healthy pregnancy with your work and child. That is something you can only determine with your doctor's help.

I wish you all the best. I hope this was little helpful. My prayers are with you.
Cheers, Aarti