Relationships  Discussion Forum

I have a problem. We stay in the US and my in laws are in India. Since my father in law retired at a very early age with no savings at all, my husband has been sending them monthly expenses. My husband cannot say no to my in-laws….especially my mother in law. She has been always asking for undue amount of money. I have a brother in law 25 years old who is good for nothing. He just sits and eats. My mother in law has been asking undue amount of money lately especially after she knows that I have started working. We went to India in March and I saw the way they lived after we sending so much money. I suspect that she is saving everything for my bil’s future. My husband refuses to see through this. And she takes full advantage of this. She brings up unnecessary expenses. She invests money on my bil’s name and asks my husband to pay for it. He says that they are his parents and I do not have any right to say anything against them. Please do not get me wrong. I am not against him sending money but we are sending way above what their monthly expenses are. At the end, we are not able to save anything. When it comes to me I am not allowed to spend anything on myself but he cannot say no to his mom. He keeps me in full restriction to such an extent that I have to give him a reason for withdrawing money from ATM machine. Now they want to move to Bombay at our expense. I am fed up of all this and it is affecting my health. I had put it very lightly to him earlier, but last night I had a major fight with my husband. He asked me to be in my limits and that his parents and his brother are above me. We ended up accusing each other and our family. He blamed my parents for things they had not done. I am hurt. He is not talking to me since yesterday. I apologized to him inspite of everything but he refuses to talk. Please help me out of this situation. Mentor replied. Hi, i dont undertsand one thing that how can you give him authority on your earnings too i think you r working too right. be firm and take a storng action let your husband realise that hurting you is not so simple you are independant and know what you are doing. why does he check on your expenses. your other problems you mentioned seem to be secondary for me. first of all you are yourself allowing your husband to take control of things you try and be independant on all terms if you are working. every rupee you add to your house is hard earned right? so why only your husband have control on it. come on be firm and talk about it bluntly with confidence once you try and be less in control with him automatically you will gain respect and opinion will count. see i know that you are in mess of a situation but if you think you are right stand by urself unless and until you give importance to urself why will anyone else. are u trying to undertsand me.see every husband ( indian mainly though there are eceptions ) thinks he is great and have authority on his wife if you are storng engouh to make him realise that he is wrong he will keep himself in limits and behave.try and work on this first else you will be in a mess again.
all the best sorry if i was rude but u need to wake up else u will spoil your life. Tony S replied. Dear Hurt,
I can understand how u feel. U will come thru' this blue feelings phase in 2-3 days, do not worry. Once u r back to normal and your husband also starts talking to u normally, take the chance to speak to him about your future. your meaning u and him together. Tell him how we can buy a house, a dream car, have our kids, send them to the best school, etc. And say for all this let us start saving from now itself. Let it be your 'future fund'. you jointly decide on the amount contribution. U be the main account holder for that. Then also ask him how he feels that u r working. Does he feel good or does he feel insecure. 100% guys, no matter how good they r they become insecure when the wife starts working, esp. with her increasing bank balance, so u should slowly and steadily try and remove that fear from his mind. Also, if u have to buy something for yourself, say a new dress or something , go ahead and buy 2, one for yourself and one for him. - from your own salary account., surprise him on his bday or anniversary or just some day. Explain to him that 'both of us are working hard to make our future secure and for our unborn kids'. Dont be afraid however to spend on any cosmetics or items which u like, dont stop yourself - ofc ourse consider discussing if it is too expensive, say 100$ or something. But if it is less, go ahead and buy it and tell him , see your wife looks beautiful in this. Dont bring up the topic of his brother or mother in any of these discussion. If he starts that topic, just ask him what are his future plans for them, separatkey for brother and mother. Tell him after a few years your brother will get married, will u also pay for grocery bills or his wife's sarees and delivery ? Tell him he could help his brother get a job, provided he promises to be independent. He is his younger brother, after all he can guide him. and all this while, support your husband by helping your BIL find a job in some way. Just ignore the undue demands of MIL. She will not do it for long. I personally believe in 1 thing. If God takes away something from u (in your case, money) then he will return it back to u in some other ways - like giving you a great life, wonderful kids and happiness. U need to focus on this. So lovingly try to explain things to your husband and never ask him 'am i important or r your family imp. to u ?' He will say u r my 2nd priority. Dont ask him that question. After a few years without him realising it you will be his number one priority, so keep smiling. But keep communication open and effective. Hope I was of some help. All the best and cheer up dear.