Relationships  Discussion Forum

Ours is an inter-caste marriage that has survived eight years now and still going.... not smooth..... Love has seen us through but manipulations are killing me...! our famillies were against our marriage initially but my father supported us... finally the two sides came around and we had a harmonious marriage. Later on, my husband told me how his mother agreed to the alliance. he had told her that we shall stay in a different house which sent in the alarm bells to her ! may be she cud lose control over her son ! and then a shocker from her own mouth, the money matters ! She kept on controlling our lives! every day routine was dictated by her... when my husband was around, she wud act as if she was the best in the world ! her behaviour would be at its best when my relatives or friends visited ! i felt trapped ! there seemed to be no outlet.... then i came to know that in my absence, she used her skills to bring rifts in our relationship... my husband went for further studies and i ran the house, but she never appreciated it....i as sqeezed like a lime of all resources i had ! and my brother in law was her aide in harrassing me ! finally , my husband was transferred and we shifted to a different city. i thought that it was an end to all that stuff. but i was wrong... she continued her mind games, creating troubles in our relationship, wud cry and complain to my husband that we had distanced ourselves, that there was financial crunch in the family while i lived on lavishly.... i suffered alone and it had an impact on my mental and physical health... i was admitted to ICU for two weeks... medical reason - undiagnosed...but i knew that it was a psychological problem... the harrassment i was feeling... my mother came to nurse me and the very next day my MIL arrived... i asked my mom and brother to leave because i didnt want them to know what i was going thru... as the left , she wud not let me rest, saying that was the reason of my illness...she made me do unnecessary and avoidable jobs while she made calls to all relatives telling that she was nursing her bahu....it made me sick further....i havent still recovered.... what hurts me that my husband remained a mute spectator all the while... if he wud have stood up for me only once, the pain wud have been less... but his quiet has deepened the scar... i never retorted back to my MIL thinking that it wud hurt him and now i feel incapicitated of all ! all this is gnawing my heart and soul.... i feel so far off and distanced... my life is a mess ! ignorance hasnt helped... and now i want to be all, all alone ! Arun replied.

Naina

Do you believe the woman in question belongs to era of Raja Harishchandra so as to state all true facts on this public forum?

There are always two sides to the coin and MIL' s true story (written by her on her own) is not present on this forum.

Being a progressive woman in no way implies disrespecting and disobeying one' s in-laws.
I know it is very difficult for many women to respect and love their husband' s parents even if they are good and generous.

Can' t the DILs be the Monsters-in-law?

This is not the 17th century where the Indian DILs used to be docile creatures.

I don' t need to be guided by you on this forum because I know what I will do with my life unlike the woman in question here who has solicited advice from starngers on a public forum.

And, do you belong to the creed of home-wrecker women who marry men with sole intention of ripping off their (men' s) ties with their families and turning their husbands into their slaves.

It is better to be a mama' s boy than to be a wife' s slave because a wife' s slave is not a man at all.

Mama' s boy seems to be the term coined by wicked & jealous wives who couldn' t tolerate their husbands' love for their parents and failed in their attempts to break away their husbands from their own parents. Got it!

Anyway,any son is a surely mother' s boy & not a wife' s boy, is he??








Arun replied. The very fact that you went against your parents and the boys' parents' wishes to get married shows that you are not a submissive woman , otherwise you wouldn' t have taken such a strong step. So , please don' t say that you are a submissive woman sounds like a big joke.

You have crumbled the expectations and hopes of your husband' s mother that she had for her son , her lifelong dreams were shattered .
Also , how can she play mind games from a distance with you as if you are an innocent puppet who will dance to her tune. First , you hurt her by marrying her son against her wishes ( I agree her son also hurt her by marrying you ) and now you want to add salt to her injury by further turning her son against his own mother.
You feel uncomfortable when your husband doesn' t rebuke his mother ( this very thought is highly repulsive )and you will feel happy & satisfied if he will argue with his mother.
His relationship with his mother existed long before you cam into his life and now you want to further damage an already strained relationship that he has with his mother ( not respecting his mom' s wishes ).
You said that you were in ICU but thats just one side of the story , how many times was your hubby' s mother admitted to hospital , what illnesses is she suffering from because of her broken heart & all the tension and how many tears did she shed in solitude behind closed doors. Are you even a bit concerned ?
It would be silly of you to expect blessings from a broken , hurt , angry heart of a mother , instead of trying to appease her and repent for your mistakes , you were happy leaving her behind and staying separately from her along with her son ( ie. your husband ).

You have made the decision to marry the man so you shouldn' t blame anyone else , be ready for the consequences if any or else you should have marryied an orphan boy ( so no parents & no problem , perfect , right ? )

Now make amends , compel your husband to come & stay with his parents and then you should love & serve them day in & day out as a dutiful DIL.
Thats the only way to win her heart back for you have caused her a lot of pain ( it might take even 20 long years to pacify her but its worth the wait , atleast you will have clear conscience at the end of it ).
If your husband can' t leave his job & is located in a different city , then its fine you can stay separately from him for a while along with your in-laws and say that you would like to be forgiven and he will surely agree.

Win her heart back , ask for forgive ness , reciprocate her anger & hatred with your kindness & love and what you will achieve at the end of it will be pure bliss & eternal satisfaction.
Isn' t it worth the effort , so start afresh.
I hope you will be forgiven one day , but which day it is that time can only tell.


NM replied. Hi Rashi,
First of all you got a very nice name:)) Cheer up. Think for once, is it worth to hurt yourself and be in ICU, thinking abt all the crap your MIl does to you. Whenever these thoughts comes in your mind, think abt your parents, and imagine how would they feel, when they get to know of your real situation.
You know, me you and almost every lady posting there issues have one thing in common, that we give everyone priority and forget ourselves. We always keep on adjusting, and compromise for the sake of our family. But this new family members do they ever think of us even once? These people do not deserve to be above your health.
From today onwards, promise yourself. You will stand for yourself, cause no one else will unless you do. I know somewhere you may have the fear if things go out of control, or this relationship breaks and all that. This is the same case with me and infact every lady here. Be bold. Dont let these people control you. The more you keep quiet the more they create a mess. I know we would have to keep all our values, respect and all one side, and become at time shameless with these creatures. They really force us to behave in such a manner, but these people do not understand any other langauge. If your MIL acts smart in absence of your husband, do the same with her. Remember the lessons from Gita. Agar galat karna pap hai to galat sehna usse bhi bada pap hai. These people know we will adjust, no matter what so they make us adjust. Dont say anything let your actions speak. Why to suffer so much for these worthless creatures. GO TO HELL for them. Promise yourself that you will not let yourself suffer and teach them a lesseon. Act smart to gain your husband sympthy. Believe me I am also in your situation, but now I have changed my attitude, enough of suffereing. Please try and let see. I know God is always with you. :)) Chear up!!