Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hello ,

Mine is a love marraige, Before marraige my IL' s made me and my parents suffer alot. they din make my husband knew what all they did, Some how managing we got marraied, when My parents went to speak my IL' s they where more concerneed about the dowry. They took the money from my parents and bought a house and they even said we will keep ur daughter with us for 15 days and then will ask us to leave( we are not intrested either in your daughter nor the money. )

Its 3 yrs tht we got married and yet we are not seperated and money from the houses is also is taken by them. They don even give a penny to us, instead everything wat is needed at home is brought by my husband only. They dont ask a single penny from BIL, instead anything needed they ask husband only. There is a clear exploitation at home between my husband and his younger brother , when i ask my huband he says i am used to since child hood.My Il' s give priority for people who are welloff. And since my BIL is planning to start a company they re giving priority to him and exploting my hubby ( he thinks that since he is responsible there parents are giving him all the work)

My mil speaks to me very well when my husband is around and when he is not she speak rude. When i go to my parents house for few days , she corrupts my husband mind . He later calls me and scolds me. I don like to stay with my IL' s .They spoilt my husband health by not accepting the marriage and later accepte the marraige when i started doin whole household work they want to stay with us only. My husband got many Onsite opportunities , he declined for his parents and my BIL roams all over the world.

I am totally confused thinking if my IL' s are good are bad. I come from a joint family they think tht i can adjust here too,. But the mentalities are different I cant stay, My husband loves me alot and he even want to stay with his parents and he wants me to serve them till there end
I have no problem doin tht , my point is why to serve them, when we do not have value for what we are doin.?

Please help me to make my husband realise that there parents are exploting us . Mahesh replied. Its easy to say that your hubby' s parents are exploiting you & their son , but can you say the same about your own parents.
This is where the difference creeps in , you can love your parents but loving your hubby' s parents.
Even minor adjustments in your life as demanded by your inlaws are strong enough to provoke your anger.

You shouldn' t interfere in the finances plan your hubby has with his parents , honestly speaking that is none of your business ( sorry if I am being rude though I don' t have any such intentions ) , do you interfere in your brother' s finances & his relationship with your parents.
You say that your MIL poisons your hubby in your absence might simply be an imagined thought , alos please try to review your behaviour did you do anything wrong to displease your in-laws.
Do you make your in-laws fee that you are trying to cause rift & separation between them & their son.
Because if your hubby has declined many jon offers as he wants to stay with his parents , then you should be praising him on this forum but you are having a problem with it. If your brother-in-law is being less concerned , that doesn' t imply that your husband also needs to follow his footsteps( he can be a good son & you should feel happy about it as his wife ).
As you say you are from a joint family ,
then won' t you be happy if your brother ( if , you have any ) takes care of his/your parents .

So , please don' t be bothered about minor things like finances bcoz this is the way it has been between him & his parents and you shouldn' t try to create a new pattern. That will be wrong .

Since yours is a love marriage , it is likely that your in-laws haven' t fully accepted you so may be , a greater effort , will be required on your behalf to gain their affection & respect.

Joint family is the best arrangement because it respects & loves the parents & its roots.
Do unto your parents as you would like your children to do unto you.







Desi Girl replied. Well Wisher,

\" Remember, you cannot fix something you consider is not broken. If he thinks there is no problem at his end what makes you think that he’ll change. Also, they should have a desire to change you cannot force anyone to change. You cannot change anyone all you can change is YOU. And you have already done that. What one learned in 30 years, they won’t forget in few sessions of counseling or therapy, it needs commitment and desire to change. \" This from girlsguidetosurvival

Sorry to bust your buble. Good luck making him understand. It usually doesn' t work that way. I would suggest you start working on making your self strong. Seek counselling, pick up a job or start taking some courses so that you' ll get out of home and make some friends of your own.

To each their own,

Good Luck,
Peace,
Desi Girl Desi Girl replied. Dear well Wisher,

Sorry to read about your situation. If it is any consolation. You are not the first and you' ll not be the last. Many have gone through this before you and many will go through this after you. I have been there and done that.

What your MIL is doing is called manipulation good to you in front of your husband and rude to you when he is not around. It is creating a lots of confusion for you. That is how abuse works. The abused is so confused to decide if the abuser is good or bad so they cannot make any decision. The abuser will say mean things to you and then in front of guests and others abuser will start praising you. Bechari saare ghar ka kaam akele karti hai. Hamari Bahu to bahut achhi hai etc. Then even if you want to tell anyone that MIL is bothering you you can' t because she is already established that she is a good MIL.

Your husband already knows that he is being exploited. He is still feeling guilty for his love marriage. He is trying to pay for breaking his mommy dears dreams of begeting a bahu of her choice. He chose to marry you so it is his duty to protect you from the acctacks of his family. It is not your job to keep his folks happy. No matter what you try they' ll never be happy because they have decided not to be happy. You cannot make anyone happy against their wish.

Likewise, you cannot make him come to his senses because he is still trying to cover up his guilt. It will be good if you seek couple' s counselling. If you are india ask your doctor to suggest some counsellor or you can visit nearest medical college they have counsellors there.

About the money your family paid. Do you have any receipts or other papers to prove that your family made a payment. Your family should talk to the lawyer because his side of the family failed to keep up with the contract that you' ll be given separate home with that money.

Just goodle girlsguidetosurvival (one word) there you' ll find information of How to deal with the in-laws (desi).

I hope this helps.

Peace,

Desi Girl