Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi everyone!!!
I read most of the messages on indiaparenting. I have found this website very useful. I am in a difficult situation in my life and would like to believe that someone will read my message.I have been married since 3 years. I live in US and have a full time job. I am 25 year old indian maharashtrian.female.
My problems started on the day we got married. On our way back to my husband's home from my parent's city where the marriage took place, I saw my husband and his own brother's wife were treating each other in a very friendly manner. He shared with her half of his burfy, when me, his new wife, whom he got married to less than an hour ago, was sitting next to him. I also sensed that my husband was inappropriately staring at his bhabhi's body and i felt deeply depressed. On our honeymoon, he told me that he likes his bhabhi and he always imagines sex with her and he wanted to have a wife like her and she is great, she earns a lot of money blah blah blah... All this before he had sex with me for the first time. I felt extremely depressed but couldnt walk out of the marriage because i had no job, no parental support, no financial independence.. i stayed because i had nowhere to go. i came to US with my husband and discovered that he had the love letters that he wrote to his ex girlfriend saved on his laptop. (They cud not get married because of opposition from her parent's side, my husband had told me about this before we got married) I read those letters where he had written that he can never fall in love with anyone else and he cannot live without her etc etc etc. This hurt me deeply as i dont want to be someone else, i want to be the wife who gets love from her husband. My husband treated me very badly back then because i came from a poor family, did not have a job, did not earn and did not meet his expectations. I somehow survived this and started my MS in CIS after taking GRE and TOEFL, I got full scholarship and after finishing my masters I have now started my job as a java developer.
I cannot get these things out of my mind and feel extremely depressed at many times( cyclically, some days i feel that i can live with him and others i feel like running away) Also, now he treats me fine and says that he loves me but its not the same as he loved his ex girlfriend.I also feel like he adores his brother's wife, his bhabhi.. He says that she is very docile and she never fights with my brother and she has a very good family background and many other good things about her. I once asked him what are the things that he likes about me he couldn't think of a single thing and immediately i asked him what are the things that he does not like about his brother's wife, he could not think of a single thing.
There are many more folds to this story. My question to you is, I have found a roommate who is indian female and who has just finished her masters and has started her first job like me, and I am seriously thinking about movint out for 6 months to begin with.and live with a roommate.
DO YOU THINK I AM DOING THE RIGHT THING???????
Please respond. I have no one else to go to.

best

anon replied. Dear all,

Thank you so much for your advice. I am glad to think that women out there think that me being hurt is a perfectly normal thing to happen. For first two years in our marriage,whenever we had any argument about his relationship with his bhabhi, he used to say that its not a big deal and its a very common thing, his most famous explanation is \"; a man can imagine sex with any woman in this world, except his own mother and his real sister\"; For quite a some time he even lead me into believing that its my bad to feel so hurt.His bhabhi used to call us from Australia( she lives there) and used to hang up on hearing my voice in case I pick the phone. My husband has totally ignored me in the past in front of his friends and family and for this, he says that he is closer to them than to me, he has spent more time with them.
I feel like I have gone through a lot, really!! I had also read an email from by elder brother-in-law written to my husband just after our engagement. The email had enlisted all the qualities that I dont have, e.g. My parents are lower middle class, I dont earn and havent proven myself career wise, me and my parents are uncultured and greedy, they might take my husband's money. He had advised my husband in that email to get out of this engagement and break it, there are nicer and richer girls that he thought are better suitable for my husband than me. I feel like writing so much because i have found people who can understand me, my husband once told me that he had married me only because he wants sex.. i still find this very offensive.. i havent met any prostitute in my life neither have i met some guy who goes to a prostitute but i can imagine that people go to such women to get sex, they dont get married to get sex and then tell their wives the reason why she is in their life..
Well, I am going to see the apartment today and I am going to move out next week.

I will tell my parents about this within few weeks, My sister just got selected in a Journalism course and i dont want to steal the show by making everyone think about me rather than praising her and being happy for her!!!

Thanks a lot for your help..
I will keep posting to let all my new friends know how it goes in my life from here.

best to everyone

love
Priya_girl replied. First I would like to congratulate you on your hard work and achievements. You should feel very proud of yourself that you studied and are so far ahead.

Secondly, I think you need to move out forever. This man has insulted you from the moment you married him. He has issues with his past and can't get over them. Besides, what kind of good family background does his bhabhi really come from if she is sharing burfis with her BIL and also what kind of values does your husband have to lust after his brother's wife. How dare he say to you that he can never love any woman more than his ex girl friend. In that case why did he marry you and rob all your joys and the happiness and love that every women deserves in a relationship.

I can say a lot but I feel you have already wasted your good 3 years of life on this wasted man and marriage. You need to be loved, enjoy life and feel free of all burdens. Please take this step and I can assure you the future is not dark but very bright for you.

There are a lot of good men out there and in time you will find one who treats you like gold and all your scars will heal. Best of luck! Silver replied. So,now ur hubby stopped talking to bhabhi and still admires her and exgf.
Probably u can c some change in his adoring others attitude later some time. but still he'll not start admiring u or never respect u as his wfie. do u want to adjust with? can u tolerate as being a wife but not as his beloved?
darling, it time to u to let him know wife shd be any man's one and only beloved and none can tolerate hub loving some other nomaatter how convincing he is. in ur case he never seemed to be convincing u and nor felt u'll hurt if he tell his fanatacies bluntly. that means he never care for r feelings?
can u wait and see till he changes himslef?
through ur latest post ,it seemed u r convinced thru his behavourof not talking to her. If u feel better ,and wants to continue with relation make it clear that, till u know that he is loving u full from bottom of his heart and none has space in his heart then only ,u r going to be with him and serve him.Till then say \";nO' to everything. say no to romance and S.
Say that...u cant be happy with him until he changes .say it with cool face and start ignoring him and his needs. just behave like living with strangr or roommate. It's enough for a man to change. If he still seems to be lovng them...just look for ur own way.and till then be careful not to conceive. which might complicate ur decision.
All the best and dont loose ur enjoyment for that fickle minded fellow. he doesnt deserve a ood lady like u who ddi her MS in most sorrowful phase in life. u desrve everything best.Now he knows that u r independent and can go carenot. so teach him a lesson.
Dont accompony him for the party where she might be seen. tell him that her presence irritates u and u r not going to see her fae again ,also, tell him...if he do the same it'd be more better for ur relation ship. desi replied. hi,
best thing to do is talk to him about wht u think about him and his exgirlfriend.if he is not going to stop his stupid behavior and start to respect u as a wife then tell him about your standing decision.he might change.cause its not only about u but as u said u have a very traditional family.u have to think about them also.just give yourself little time think about it.talk to husband openly and then take a bidg decision. anon replied. Thanks for responses!!
I have a full time permanent job where my company has sponsored my H1 and is also going to sponsor my green card.This is my second job in US, I have previously done my internship during my MS coursework. We dont have a kid, so it reduces complications a little bit.
My husband has stopped talking to his brother's wife since a few months. However, he still adores her. Moreover, we occasionally meet his ex girlfriend at a common friend's place( we try to avoid meeting her but then there are always those times when you absolutely cannot) I see love in my husband's eyes for her which I can never find for myself.
Will write later.

Thanks again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! in need replied. Go Ahead...
Maybe he will regret and improve forever. seema replied. I would not call your problem as a very common one .. Its a strange problem !

If it was some old affair which is totally forgotten or even if some unwanted friendship after marriage which ur husband regrets, I would have asked you to forgive him and give another chance !
But imagining having sex with brothers wife and constantly comparing to her is very unhealthy in a marriage ! Also affair before marriage is ok to some extent as long as its totally forgotten and never brought up in front of the spouse...! But if its brought up in front of you or old mails saved as memories than its totally wrong !Its disrespect to you and putting you down !
But I see you as a very strong lady , bcoz living in such conditions for 3 years you managed to focus on studies and got MS and job for urself !
Now its time you really think what you want ur future to be ...I assume there are no kids , So I think you shud become very selfish and think what will make you happy.
Few suggesstions
1) Talk to him openly as to what bothers you and abt how you feel. Also tell him you are considering moving out if things dont change ... and see what he says !
2) Involve your parents and Inlaws.. Its like moral support. Explain them the entire tning without any shame ... Ur hubby shud be shameful not you!
3) Dont drag ur life with a person you dont love anymore ! its a self imposed punishment !Esp if there is no kid, you shud take a decision!
4) In any case if you are not able to make up ur mind , do talk to him , and move in with ur roommate to give both urself and him some time to think over !
I believe we all deserve happiness in our life, no person not even hubby shud be allowed to snatch it from us and lead a life full of crying and compromise!





sss replied. hey Anon,
Sorry to say,
Ur situation is very common.
More or less i have faced such situation.But positively saying i got over it.

Soon after joining my husband in overseas i read about 200 mails from a lady.I fought with him etc etc But got over it and now he is also good.
In the intial stages of my marriage my husband used to compare me any person regarding cooking ,living style etc......But I told him fought with him that his way of comparing is not good.Even that has come down.There are lots of issues we still have to resolve.And I know few can never be resloved ,few will take its own time.

And regarding ur husband,have u ever told him his attitude is hurting u.Tell him if he wants a good married life he needs to change his behaviour about his bhabi(senti dialogues like bhabi is like ur mother).He will not take it positively but it he should know it is wrong.

I think there is no single guy in this world who has an affair before marriage.And when they were in an affair such cinematic dialogues and unforgettable promises are quiet obvious.I think u should come to terms in the way u think.U should try to forget about it.Does ur husband still talks about that affair.If yes Talk to ur husband u r not feeling happy about it.


Before moving out tell ur husband if he is not changing his attitude,u may be compelled to go out.Ask him wat are points for which u shpuld stay in relation.Tell him u dont have any feel good attitude about ur relation.

All the best ANON,give a try to build ur relation.



Shruti replied. Hi Anon!
I have also gone thru the same experience. U are not alone Anon ...My husband is also always praises his brother's wife without any good reasons. He thinks she is the best in this world. He always compared me with her. From the very first day of our marrige he started bhabhi is yeh..bhabhi is woh...It was really very irritating for me. His bhabhi also took advantage of that. she knew that my husband is mad for her so she didn't miss any opportunity to down me and my relatives...Still my husband supports her..She is getting encouraged... I felt so alone and felt treated with disrespect ..Still i give his relatives so much respect so that my husband should not feel bad..but my husband in front of his relatives shows that i am not important for him and whether i live with him or not it doesn;t make any difference to him. But that's sure he can't live without his bhabi/brother...He can live without his wife. He is ready to give his property to them. Infact initially he used to Fixed his money on name of his brother wihout my knowledge...Neither he bothered to tell me anything nor they. He takes his all decision with consultation of his bahbhi. just a small example If she suggests to buy AC then my husband buys if she says no then he will never do that work. She says in front of all that i can depend on him(my husband)
I also don't know myself what is the solution of or problem. May be this board can help us. desi replied. hi,
almost every man has some past.and few of them compare there wife to there xgirlfriends.but to be very honest your husband is a kind of person who can never love anybody but himself.if he loved that girl so much then he should have guts to marry her so just be relax about him loving her.second thing he is a loose character man.a person who can have bad eye on his own bhabhi.in india bhabhi is like mother or sister.so its upto u wherther u want to stay with a loose character man,a cheater,a prevert and etc.i don,t know how strong u r mentally.but its not easy to stay in US by yourself.cause i stay in US too.it totally depeneds on what visa r u on.what kind of job u have.cause trust me its very difficult to stay in
US by yourself.its much easier in india but its very difficult in US.i won,t suggest u anything cause if u see in both the desicion u r going to suffer so just think and then take a step.ALL THE BEST. do it replied. Honey

You have thought of the right thing.Just carry on with your life and ditch this pervert.You are young,talented and financially secure so why do you need him.I man who cannot love his wife can never make a good husband.You deserve somebody much better.so dont hang on to try and save your marraige,he doesnt deserve that.Im sure you will find somebody who loves you for what you are and appreciates you.Move out an njoy your life and dont waste it on people like your husband.There are many other people who would try to convince you n tell you to be nice and adjusting bla blah blah ...but its upto you to make your decision.All the very best and god bless