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Joint Family:MIL problem
2009-04-17
Name: Smita



I am married for three years. DH and I share same profession, but have different social backgrounds, so we knew beforehand that things would not be easy with my ILs. We agreed on handling matters with sensitivity, understanding and compassion (DH is only son, his parents are dependent). I respected MIL and FIL for what they are.
At first, MIL appeared very adjusting and caring. She had been a housewife throughout, and did all the household chores. After marriage, MIL asked me to concentrate on career and not bother about home management. She said she will take care of those things. I genuinely appreciated her gesture and remained submissive to her ways.
Things changed soon. Her care became oppressive. She started dictating my lifestyle without bothering to know if I am comfortable with it. She dictated when to eat, sleep, wake up or even have my bath. No exaggeration. She cared so much that she took charge of my (and her son’s) entire wardrobe, and decided which dress is to be worn/laundered. Above all, she decided that since my mother (who had a full time job with two kids) did not have enough time to look after us (when kids), she should take charge in re-planning my diet so that I become healthy (I had no sign of ill health). She forced me to eat double meals, even if I refused. I remember throwing up after meals at times.
DH and I dropped several hints, discussed and even argued with her to be reasonable. She refused to understand. On the contrary she chided us for not being thankful for all that she did to help me (which she was never asked to do). She labeled us as insensitive and heartless for overlooking her noble MIL qualities like ‘never criticizing’ me when I ‘failed’ to follow her lifestyle. She developed the habit of winning over arguments by getting angry, screaming and then crying. Moreover, she would keep nagging for days until we said ‘sorry’ to her for arguing.
She started complaining that she has to work all day with no helping hand. But she always refused to accept my willing help. Moreover, she never allowed me in ‘her’ kitchen because I am too tired after the day’s schedule (even on Sundays!).
Since all reasoning failed, we decided to handle her with tact. We simply lied to her to keep her happy and save ourselves from her fits of anger. For example we were ‘working late’ to catch an evening movie, or ‘invited to a friends party’ to have dinner outside. If we planned a weekend trip, we first planned our strategic steps to keep her happy for the whole week. In the end, we realized that we were panicked to even live our own lives with ease.
All this time, she played the perfect MIL to outsiders, always praising me in front of them for being the ‘good DIL’ who is too willing to help her out in everything, if only had the time.

I was terribly depressed and suicidal. So we decided to stop.

But I guess it was late. Last year I was diagnosed with an incurable ailment, which results from overeating, and needs strict diet routine lifelong (thanks to my MILs diet chart which was imposed on me for two years).
DH and I sat for a family discussion with my ILs and simply stated that we had had enough. My MIL was furious and said nasty things to me. I was nastier. I simply asked her to shut-up and step out of my life. I was angry. And I showed it all. DH said he was fed up with MIL and wished to move out.
It worked. She has changed. She has not bothered us since. We still stay together, without interfering with each other’s life. She has even asked me to forgive her for what she has done ‘unknowingly’ and forget everything. Apparently we are a happy family.
My problem is that I can’t stand her now. The bad memories never seem to disappear. Moreover I simply cannot forget that she is the one responsible for my illness. I have become cranky and short-tempered. I get annoyed by simply seeing her (which I can’t avoid since we live in the same house). I am rude to her even if she is polite to me. My attitude bothers me and I feel guilty at times but I cannot control myself. What do I do now?



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2009-09-08
#1
Anonymous Name: Smita
Subject:  Hello SA,



Hello SA,
I think you are right. Most of us are wrapped up in our problems alone and fail to successfully find AND implement the solution. Even if we are capable of standing up against injustice towards others, we rarely speak up/do something if injustice is shown towards us. This is out of fear, or a sense of guilt (that have been weaved in us from childhood that to adjust/sacrifice is considered good conduct). So we oblige to the whim of others, to avoid unpleasant situations. But we seldom remember that the other peoples present in the IL household are equally responsible not to hurt our feelings. That never happens.
I think no matter how good, kind and loving a woman is as a mother, she is altogether a different person when she is a MIL. Knowingly/unknowingly she comes between the newly formed relation between husband and wife. I think we (both husband and wife) need to understand the importance of this bonding and NEVER allow a third person in the relation from the very beginning. Unfortunately, MIL is doomed to be the one. Hence, most DHs fail to separate their mothers from the MIL.
There are problems regarding my MIL till present. I have to foresee a lot before interacting with her. But, like before I don’t give undue importance to all her wishes or instructions. Neither do I fell it necessary to discuss everything with her. I never interfere with her ways and have stopped her from dictating/ interfering my lifestyle. Its like parallel lines, coexisting yet never meeting.

But, the truth is that things become a lot easier if DH is unbiased (towards both). MILs always want to hide the tiny details from their son of any trivial incident, but always present their side of the story, vividly describing how bad they have felt. DH fail to notice this tact, but we do. I don’t think it is wrong to use this vice against them at times. After all every action must have an equal and opposite reaction!
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2009-06-16
#2
Anonymous Name: Smita
Subject:  Sharing my Views



Dear Friends,

It' s been quite some time since I had shared my problem with you all. Nevertheless, I have been reading all posts regularly. I decided to let you know of my present situation.

To be precise, I bear a mixed feeling towards my IL' s (specially MIL). I have not, and will not, forget the bad memories with her. But, I steadily tried to keep those memories away from me. It helped me calm down a lot now. I am civil with her, as always. Even now, she continues to do things her way, which I disapprove totally (I ignore them, and try to avoid the situation when things become uncomfortable for me). BUT, there IS a DIFFERENCE now. She never takes me for granted. With my firmness to never give away to her tantrums, I have actually got a grip on my married life (without her dominance/interference). That way, we (DH and myself) are happy and tension-free. I have been able to block her out from coming between us (without moving out or being the ' bad' DIL).
But in all this, I had my DH' s support (passively and sometimes actively). Without him, things would never turn out this way. But to be honest, this was not the case from the beginning. It took a lot of time for DH to understand my problems. We passed through phases of frustration, anger, humiliation, helplessness and so on. We saw no light at the end of the tunnel. But I never compromised and kept searching for solutions.
Today, as per DH' s suggestion, we two are planning to shift to the first floor of the same house. You might think that I am sly and manipulative, but from now on I am thinking of all aspects of household matters where MIL might have entry in that portion of house (she is welcome always, but with no control or say regarding household functioning of first floor). I am passively making sure that she understands her limits there.


I am writing this here to tell all those with similar situation (no matter how worse it may seem) to have patience and fight for yourself, your rights and beliefs with a cool head. The MIL issue is a universal one, and I believe no MIL-DIL has surpassed it. YOU are the best judge of your situation and you CAN solve it.
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2009-05-13
#3
Anonymous Name: sudha
Subject:  MIL problem



Smita, you are indeed lucky that your husband is in your side,he understands your side too.
I don' t know what bad karma i did in my last birth to have got this kind of hellish life.My husband ( i don' t know if i should call him that,but yes technically in marriage certificate it is his name and photo so..)Not even one day has he said you know what all your pain has been caused by me because i am a spineless creature who cannot think of even calling my wife my wife if parents are there.
Do you know he feels shy to sit and talk with his wife if parents are around,because his mom will say why did i give birth to such a a shameless boy.Also they will be so ' ' pained' ' to see their son happy with his wife.(Bottomline they are scared if these two get engrossed in their life they will forget about us.So we have to keep on filling his every opening with lies about her and what her parets said about us.This will keep him angry and he will never go close to her.)
And you know what she has suceeded in doing that,i have been married for 9 yrs now and right from day 1 that has been her strategy and she has suceeded.
I am crying as I am writing this Smitha...I do not have the courage to kill myself and anytime i sit down things start rewinding in my mind.So for the past few years I have developed lots of obsessive disorders like yring to continuously clean the house,keeping everything in order around the house as i feel these are the only things that i have control on.
I don' t know if whatever i am writig makes any sense but remember you have to spend life with your husband and if he is good then you have everthing ,other things with fall in its course sooner or later.
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2009-05-01
#4
Anonymous Name: Neeraja
Subject:  Goodone



Dear Smita, I like your post and wish you all the a great health. One suggestion, We all have unpleasant experience and we learn from that. Forget and forgive! Life will be more beautiful with that.
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2009-04-22
#5
Anonymous Name: Mel
Subject:  Hi Smita



Welcome to the club !
We officially have the most devious MILs of all. The over-possessive, hyper sensitive, passive-aggressive MIL.
Honestly, I don' t blame you. Even I went through several such episodes, where something REALLY bad would be done, then there would be fighting, screaming, followed by crying and apologising, then we would forgive and forget and everything would be normal. Only for a recurrence a little while later.
And I seriously think that this happy family facade that your MIL is pulling is only temporary. Give it 6-8 months. BEHAVIOUS DOESN' T CHANGE. A person cannot change a personality trait overnight, they can disguise it for a while, but that' s it.
Anyway, I would advise you to give her ONE chance. If she stays this way, try and be polite and civil. I know it' s not possible to put up a face and be extra sweet, so don' t do that. Just be normal. COntrol your bitterness and try to be normal with her. If she stays this way, then over a period of time, you will automatically be ok with everything, and if she relapses, then MOVE OUT.
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2009-04-22
#6
Anonymous Name: Smita
Subject:  Hi Mel



Thanks for your advice. I am indeed comforted to share my agony with all of you (who exactly know how it feels). I completely agree with you. In fact DH had conveyed this message to MIL that we are giving her just ONE chance. If history repeats, we move out.
My problem is that I keep on wondering whether she has ‘changed’ (as she claims) or whether its ‘pretence’ (like you suggested, and I too sometimes feel that way). Its past 5-6 months since then, and my bitterness (although I seldom show her that) didn’t reduce. It’s of course because of her ‘tiny’ gestures now and then (especially when DH is not around).
I have also noticed two things in her repeatedly. Firstly, she takes up an attitude in front of DH that she is always cautious (rather frightened) in talking to me now, lest her words upset me. Also she keeps asking my permission before doing any household chore (and always mentions it to DH that now she does everything according to my will). In reality, MIL and I seldom talk, unless it’s a necessity. Also, her new habit of asking my permission to everything is very annoying to me. I usually say ‘do as you please, why ask me?’ But at times, when I do suggest something, she appreciates my suggestions but does things her way afterwards.
Secondly, when I ask her why she did that (intentionally in presence of DH), she makes a confused face and invariably fails to understand what I am talking about. In the end, she acquires a submissive gesture and apologizes to me (in presence of DH), that if she has done anything to hurt me it is out of ignorance and begs me to forgive her.
I am confused by her behavior. She is not indeed the intelligent sort or the one with manipulative skills (as far as I have judged), but is she that stupid?
DH is of the opinion that MIL tries to make things work out. However, he is supportive of me too.

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2009-04-21
#7
Anonymous Name: sm
Subject:  Hi Smita



I am working in a MNC and faced the same situation as of urs.
My MIL is also very helpful and prapres b' fast when i lweave for ofc, packa my lunch and sometimes dinner as well. But you know she is in habit of pin pointing at every point which we never like beacause we need to be cautious every time while working. Also she praises alot for what she does. She praises for me as well when a relative comes to our place. But they will priase their DIL, it incraeses their value and stand as well in the family. But u know, she wants hold in the Kitchen, beacause a lady can rule with kichen only as she is a housewife and my FIL is also retired. So more work she does, get sympathy of FIL and obviously of his son as well. But sometimes we also like to work in the kithchen and want to prepare different dishes for our Family memebers. But whatever i prepare she says, \" there is nothing much in this or will say, her brither cooks very well. I used to make it too good when i was young. She praises as well as not praises. But wants tu rule the kitchen which i don' t like. Beacause i too have my wishes. These are very generic problems and better is to resolve them at early stages rather than to strach it and turning it into non-talking relations for life.
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2009-07-24
#8
Anonymous Name: S.A
Subject:  Hi



HI ,
I too had and still have similar problems like Smitha´ s. But the only diff is tat My MIL puts fevicol in her bed once she comes from office and before she goes to office and in holidays. But still she has control over the whole house she instructs me for small to big things (according to her tastes and likes). Everything in household is her choice but I should implement it. I spoke to my DH on this but he says its nothing wrong to do things according to her wish. she is elder and has much experience than me. When this started affecting my relationship with my hubby I stopped complaining abt his " all know" mom. He is happy that I dance to his moms tunes. But I play the trick. I nod to everything my MIL says but keep doing what I like. Our house is the most untidy and ucleaned dirty one(cause my MIL is such a lazy lady). Every step I take fwd in cleaning the house, I will be pulled two steps backward. I still put in a lot of efforts cleaning the house. I am working for a MNC. I hardly get any time at home. But even the little time I get I spend in cleaning the house. But my MIL still instructs (does nothing except instructing) that to arrange things in this way that way. sweep the house thrice a day, arrange their wardrobes, etc.,. But last month after speaking to my hubby and knowing there is no use. I stopped doing on anything once for all. When my MIL, DH or FIL asked abt y I did not doing any work, I create sympathy to my hubby that now a days I am not feeling well b´ cause my work is stressful in office. My DH trust it but my MIL knews very well of my tricks. But still she cant help it HAHA!

I spoke to my hubby of moving out of the house. But he was not willing to do tat so it ened up in argument and fight. So finally I told him (really acted well very lovingly and polietely) " ur happiness is my happiness.. If u dont want to move then we need not. But I am not happy in this place but still I sacrifice it for u" ... After that I stopped having relationships with him. When he called me I said I am not in the mood for tat as I am feeling very sad. Wen he asked the reason for my sadness... I said " I dont know but I very sad and depressed" .. Now last week I got good chance to get my DH on my way... My ILs went out of station for abt 10 days. I used this opportuninty very efficiently. I did all the household works at ease, everything very neat and clean, nice dishes, special dishes, Rose milk etc.,. Though it took much efforts after days tiring work in office, I acted as if if do all that at ease. I loved my DH too much and cared for him much and relationships with him too was more these 10 days. and I stopped all that and showed tired, sad face and unclean house as my ILs came. My DH asked abt the change. I jus said " I am able to do things the way I want in a easy way.. But with doing things on ur parents way is very difficult for me as /I am new to it" . Now he himself accepted to move out of the house(not b´ cause his wife(me) have to happy but he wants to be happy) but on the guarantee that I will be the way I was on those 10 days. I have assured that. Now we are going to move to new house on Aug 19 which is very near to ILs house. At last I will have a home for mine without any interference.

Dear friends Dont Lose heart.. If u win ur DHs heart u will definetly have a brighter life.
But to win ur DHs attention

1) u shouldnt talk straight to him abt his parents. Definetely he wont like it. Obviously even we gals dont like anyone complaining abt our parents.

2) dont be too honest to ur DH like in 1970´ s movie and mega serial heriones. Lie and act whenever required

3) Dont be weak.. Raise up! Dont take things to heart and suffer. Better take things to brain and think for a action plan

4)Use this priciple. WHAT UR MIL CAN DO THE SAME U CAN TOO DO.
" if MIL cry --> u hit ur head and cry"
" if ur MIL acts " too good" before ur hubby ---> u become a professional actress befor ur DH"

I suffered like hell in my house till a month back. " All knew MIL" " Moms tail catching DH" But I raised up and stopped taking things to heart and started working for a plan to get what I wanted.

I will post in this thread after Aug 19

" WE CAN´ T CHANGE OTHERS BUT WE CHANGE OURSELVES" . u change urself in such a way that u dont go behind ur ILs
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