Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi friends,

i can seee this forum has so many mature and friendly people around , who help each other, share their experiences, etc etc...

I am caught in this wierd situation. I got married before 3 years, it was an arranged marriage, and since the past 1 year we are not living together. Initially things were very good, but within 6 months, my husband had to travel abroad on project work and my MIL and SIL both started their drama to not let me go with him. For 6 whole months, they kept both of us separate and they used to mentally torture me here.
finally my husband was emotionally compelled to leave his job and come back. He stayed jobless for about 6 months and those 6 months were the most horrible months of my life. He became violent (which i just couldnt beleive, M.S. from USA , such educated people!! ) , he hit me just once, but it was terrible, I have never had the need to anyone shouting at me also!! He hit me saying that you tortured my mother and sister while i was not away..my father is complaining of chest pain just becoz of you..and all that crap! I was shocked! My parents came to take me away, I refused to go thinking that it might all become okay soon. Running away is not the solution. I didnt know hell was yet to come.

My MIL and SIL used to just brainwash him every day for 6-7 hours (as he was jobless, he used to be at home) against me...and suddenly the guy who used to love me like his princess, started hating me!!! For every litle mistake I made, my MIL would make me sit in my room for the whole month (just sit in your room take rest and do nothing)!!

My husband started abusing me by saying that ' i dont want you back' , ' i am dead for you' , ' come back only if u want a one sided relationship' etc etc...hence my parents did not send me back this time, and at no cost they are going to send me back till they mend their ways! (Which i see very little hope, unless God punishes them!) Its been a year now, he doesnt talk or reply to emails, just told me a couple of times ' i am not interested' !! Though I still feel he' s doing it to keep his mother' s nose! he wasnt like this for the first year of marriage, even from far off he was quite caring n understanding. I am so confused as to should i keep any hope ?? Should i still stand by him and help him get out of his mom n sisters clutches ?? Though his sister is married for a year now, she did all the harm she could and then she went!!

I am a very simple straightforward girl, with no hassles in life. Like to enjoy every single day of my life, and give happiness to others. This is just totally opposite my nature....

I am an Engineer myself and have been working before marriage....

Please give me your feedbacks and advises...

Thanks a lot
Kriya MS replied. Hi Kriya,
I can understand your situation..and what I think is you should get back to working...this will keep you occupied and give you time to realize what do YOU actually want to do.
Keep us posted
Mel replied. I am so sorry to hear your story. Just as so many other stories on these boards. And just as my story too.

In my case, my husband and I dated for 8 years before getting married. So, we went through ALL these problems BEFORE marriage... and my husband got to see my MILs true character. I don' t want to get into the details of everything, but in short, she tried to make me a liar, she called me cheap and all sorts of bad words, she even hit me, she abused my religion (I' m a Christian, they are Hindus), my parents and my brother. She used to spew venom, and did everything in her power to drive me away. But, in front of her husband and son, she would speak to me very sweetly, offer me food, take out her shawl from the cupboard and give me and so on... So, they used to think that she was SO wonderful and great. And then, when I used to tell my husband about her antics. He wouldn' t believe me. But, over time, he got to see through some of her antics. And before we got married, he knew everything. Yet, after marriage, we moved in with them (like fools), and she tormented both of us for 9 months. After which we decided enough is enough.

My husband is an only child. Now, the thing about my husband (which I feel is the same issue with your husband) is that EVEN THOUGH HE KNOWS THEY ARE WRONG, HE FEELS GUILTY IN CONFRONTING THEM. HE FEELS HE SHOULD DO HIS DUTY IF HE WANTS TO KEEP HIS CONSCIENCE CLEAN.

He even tells me that. Let' s just keep our conscience clean. So, now what I do is... I don' t call her, if she calls me... I talk if I feel like, otherwise I don' t answer the phone. If he wants to meet them, he can do so, but I only go once or twice a month for an hour or two.

HERE' S MY ADVICE TO YOU. I hope it works.

Get in touch with him... however you can... mail, telephone, whatever. Doesn' t matter. Just tell him that this is your last mail / call and that you won' t bother him anymore. (Don' t cry, don' t appeal, just speak calmly and clearly.) Tell him that you would just like to talk to him for 5 mins and then he can decide whatever he wants, and you will never disturb him again.

Tell him that you did the right thing and got married the covnentional way instead of falling in love and marrying a man of your choice. Yet, God was kind and gave you a husband who you feel is better than anyone you could have chosen for yourself. That he is infact your soulmate.

Tell him that you never tortured either his mother or his sister. That everyone was just emotional since he was away. And tempers were high. Tell him that even then, you WERE respectful to them and you did not do anything wrong. Tell him that it was all a misunderstanding and you WERE NEVER DISRESPECTFUL TO HIS PARENTS. And that if he gives you a chance to start all over again, that you can all work towards rectifying things. Tell him that you love him and that you would like it if this could happen.

Since your SIL is away, your MIL will do less damage if you do move back in. So, if you get the opportunity, then move back in, be polite and kind to your MIL. But, request your husband to have faith in you, and dicuss any accusations made against you. If he agrees and he discusses such issues, then don' t take the matter forward. Tell him that you don' t want him to fight with his mother, but just want him to know that YOU did not do anything. That' s it.

If he is unwilling, then tell him that you are going to move on. And then, seriously... move on.

I wish you all the best. And remember, if you do move back in... DON' T LET THEM MAKE YOU INTO A DOORMAT. Right from the beginning, be polite and firm. Otherwise, you will be back with your husband, but your MIL will take full advantage. And you will be in a worse off situation than you are in now.

I hope your situation improves. Let us know what the outcome is. BHAVNA replied. i honestly think u shld give it a fair n final chance so that u cna move on with life.
get a 3rd person to arrange for a meeting and tlak it over and let him know that it is ur final try at tryign to make things work for urselves.
if he responds , go ahead and talk it over......
if he still doesnt respond - u are btter without him, so pick up ur life strings ans re-engineer urself n simply MOVE ON.
Life is too short to waste....u' ll regret it later.