Relationships  Discussion Forum

im a new member ,guess wot im also facing problems with my inlaws, i became mum, thz april and things just seem to be getting worst with my il. im married 2 an indian, but im not indian. infact our cultures r completely different, but eversince ive been with my husband , ive been trying 2 understand him and learn a bit of his culture. but now that we have a child , things have to change, coz im christian, u to be frank me and my husband decided that we were not going to do anything frm our culture, coz we just dont want our kids to be confused. we decided , because we have a mixed marriage , we would only do the main festival on his side and on my side as well.but the thing is tha my SIL she always come and say that she has to do things with her brother coz i dnt know wot festival. n at the end when i tell my husband that thz isnt wot we agreed for, he says that its hisculture etc.. i hope u guys understand me, being a mother now i cant put my culture before wots best for my child. n its obvious that if my husband does his things, me as well ill want to do my things. n it wud be pulling a string on both side and my child will be stuck in middle. i just dont know what to do, coz for my husband its always his sister' s opinon which is important. but i cant do that i have to put my child first. its nothing to do with culture or religion but im just trying to do wots best for my daughter. plz i need some help coz i went through so much with my inlaws that now ive realise that everytime they do things in a way that my husband cant see anything. and because of them everytime we fight, and i just feel like leaving. my husband says that i dnt understand his culture, every indian person is like that. PLZ IVE NO INTENTION OF OFFENDING ANYONE. I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHETHER IS USING HIS COVER AS AN EXCUSE. just like when his mum cum to visit us, she' s always entering my room, no matter if im sleeping , i just dont have a privacy, and here also my husband wud say its his culture, when my baby was born we were told by the doc that my baby might have an handicap, but it wasnt sure, we told only my MIL and we said until we r sure we not gona tell anyone, but the very next day everyone, of my SIL family knew about it, and here also my husband wud say its his culture. i dnt know anymore. plz help im i wrong??? Gayu replied. I completely understand what you are going thru.My case is no different from Mel' s ,I am also a christian who is married to a hindu,and I am an Indian,but the cultural and traditional differences are huge even between our families.
But I do agree that I am not an alien to my hubby' s religion or traditions.
In our case we decided right from the beginning that our kid would follow my hubby' s religion but just like Mel also follow the important religious festivals from my side.
It is funny though that in india (am not sure how it is in the other parts of the world)the girl' s in-laws do try and make things difficult for the wife.And when a child is born the wife becomes an even bigger problem for the in-laws.
Its also true that in-laws do barge into the room but thats how they are I guess.It may be just that they r trying to be territorial as in, its their son' s room not the wife' s.The wife does not belong anywhere in the family.
But I think in your case you may need to have a heart to heart talk with your hubby regarding this issue.And maybe try to reason with him regarding the issues that are bothering you.Most of the women in india do have to compromise a lot.And there is a tiny little fact of the matter when a child is born,families esp inter-religious ones do get divided when it comes down to these issues as to which religion the kid should follow.Most importantly in-laws will try to create probs b/w you guys.So hope you can stay above their mean ways and,
I hope both of you are able to sort out these issues for the sake of your child and for both of you. Mel replied. Hi Ana. I' m an Indian. I am also a Christian, married to a Hindu. And I faced quite a lot of issues when it came to adjusting with my ILs.

I don' t agree with the barging into your room logic. It is NOT our culture. But, Hindus give a lot of respect to their elders... even to the point of being uncomfortable.

About your child, it is between you and your husband about how you want to bring him / her up. Before we got married, my husband and I decided to raise our child as a Hindu. But, we also agreed that we would celebrate all festivals, go to both places of worship, etc. This way, there' s no confusion about his identity and religion, and at the same time, he will be more tolerant and understanding of all religions.

This has worked well for us. Celebrate all festivals nicely. Let your child be exposed to it. Ignore the MIL and SIL as much as you can.

Sometimes, I can' t bear the way my husband lets my ILs sit on his head, even when he knows they are wrong he says he feels guilty... as if HE is doing something wrong by not tolerating their overbearing behaviour. Mana K. replied. dear ana

if u belong to western world then living with indian customs specially in joint family will sure be a cultural shock to u. to answer your questions , yes its very common in india that mil needs no permission to enter dil' s room. mil comes n goes as please though this is not the case with all. some mil do respect privacy but majority thinks that they do not need dil' s approval before barging in. in joint familes one of the major disadvantage is lack of privacy. now as far as spreading the news about your baby' s chances of having handicap is NOT related to indian culture , its just lack of social grace and inability to guard something private/emotional. ur mil / sil did bad by making it spread when u did not want it to and when it was not confirmed.