Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi Shailu,
I read your post, and believe me when I say this, 90% of men behave the way u have described.
In the begining even I faced this. My hubby literally said to me, \";This is what I am, if u don't like it, there's the door, Get Out.\";
I tried everything, I stayed quiet, I fought, I argued, I cried, I even tried to be accepting. Nothing worked. This went on for almost 3+ years. Then one day, I stopped. I just ignored. I put my head down, did what I had to do. And carried on with my life. I didn't talk, I didn't smile, didn't laugh, didn't argue. Just remained passive and quiet. For a while things just dragged on. I would become quite depressed. Still.. I just moved on. I took care of my responsibilities. But there was no affection from my side.
There was a point we didn't talk for nearly 3 months. I was supposed to go back to india for a month for a wedding. After I came back from there, things were somehow slightly different.
Maybe he missed me and realised how much I mean to him. I don't know coz we never talked about it. I can't say that the change was tremendous and he suddenly became the man of my dreams. But there was a subtle change. He started to accept me for what I am. We still have our disagreements. We still argue and fight. Things are not perfect.. But I'm happier. Coz now, I am making my own choices and decisions.
The only advice that I can give you is just be yourself. If he cannot accept it, too bad. I'm not asking you to be rude or un-loving. Be as loving and affectionate and supportive as you can. But draw a line subtly. Take up hobbies that you let go of just coz he doesn't like it or appreciate it. Get in touch with old friends. Make time for yourself.
Once u feel a change in yourself and feel good about yourself. You will see a change in the opposite person too.
Oh! it won't be easy. You'll face a lot of criticism initially coz well, no one likes to loose a good slave. But once u take small baby steps towards standing up for yourself, he will realise that you are his wife, not his slave.
One more thing. Stop expecting any sort of support and appreciation from him. In fact tell him quite bluntly that when there is an argument or discussion. Tell him that you have learned better than to expect something out of someone who cannot do anything for himself let alone for others. And ouch! that statement can hurt! believe me. but don't shout it. Just say it softly and firmly. Turn away and carry on with your responsibilities.
It will take time. Maybe months or years. But he will come around. Just stand your ground.
All the best.
Love,
Sunshine Shailu replied. Thanq sunshine!
Ur words r giving me athought to rethink on my capacity.

I'm almost loosing confidence that am a woman of nothing(as he says) and cant impress anyone in this worth.

I'm working part ime and I get up early and take care of my job beefore they both get up.and as soon he gets up I'll give him tea while doing my work.Later after my baby gets up and while receiving work related calls, I might noit be able to spend time on his breakfast (I give cereals) .But he likes to have Idli,Dosa..etc,,which I cant provide that time.Of course he understand my time doesnt allow it. so dont ask anything but surely he makes me feel guilty 'bout it.

In the lunch I do one daal and one curry for Rice (both items must) and server him better.
In the night, I'll be busy in making food and he takes care of baby a little time and makes me feel guilty for not finishing cooking in faster time.
After all I'm not a machine still try to do something faster enough.
Here all my energy will be lost while feeding my baby who gives lot troublesto eat a mouthful. She is active all the time and might fail to watch her which causes him to take care sometime.It makes him to scold me again for not being PERRRRFECT,

So it goes on ,dear.
Even morning before going lunch he was scolding me for not arranging somethings at pooja table ,I simply went to bathroom and switched on Exastfan so I couldnt hear shunts.
Also, he says me I'm not a human being because humanscan understand at once. But I'm a buffalo(Am I? Yes ,I'm believing in him and loosing confidence) and cant even change even after listening to his scoldings 10times a day.

LEt me try ignoring him. someone replied. whoever is Shailu adn whatever be her problem and who ever you are Sunshine...that was a nice piece of message from you...Wonderfull! hh replied. wow.... that was amazing reply.......... even though i do what i want without expecting my hubby to appreciate me.... i must say it definitely gave a good revision