Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi All,

I am in a situation and have a few questions… Please put things in perspective for me. This will be a major decision that I will be taking and I can’t have any doubts in my conscience, about how right it is.

I am a mom of 2 kids, living in US for over 10 years now. Met my husband here in US and got married. We have had our share of highs and lows, but by GOD’s grace we have pulled it thru. We are mostly happy except when he gets defensive when it comes to his family.

Now we want to return to India. He wants to move to his home and everybody will live happily ever after.

Everybody is my MIL (FIL passed away 3 years ago), SIL, her husband (who does not do any thing and hence the whole family was moved in with my in-laws 10 years ago) and my Niece.

The issue is I have given it a chance (lived with them last year in my 2 trips, a month each time and they have come to live with us 2 times) and I know deep in my heart for sure, that if I do it, then I will have to get admitted in the psychiatric ward sooner or later. Believe me when I say it won’t work, no amount of adjustment on my part will make it work. It’s like North Pole and South Pole or tracks of rail. He just draws sword when it comes to his family. Nobody is perfect, but he just won’t hear even a single thing against them. His reasoning is that I will take advantage of it. As far as I am concerned, this is not a game, to take advantage, its life – to be lived happily. The above is his initial reaction, but when we sit down, talk – argue – fight – reason, he has always seen my point of view, when I am the only one in picture, like in US. Otherwise it is literally a battle, till we come to terms.

So my suggestion is why can’t we have a separate house, were I make my own decisions regarding myself and kids.

He - is not OK with it as 1) it doesn’t look good as it is his responsibility to take care of his mother and sister 2) people will talk about it. 3) His is a big family, that people look up to and that’s how he has envisioned his life and since I am the she, I should have known that’s how it’s going to be, so it’s not right for me to even think about living separately. Same city or different city doesn’t matter.

Me – 1) If people are not at the same wave length then, they have the right, for their own way of living. It goes for both the sides. I don’t want them to change for me and feel frustrated and visa versa. Also it’s not like they are in a dire situation and we have to be there 24/7, things are fine now and will be fine for a few more years. And when they need me I am always there.

2) I am the mother of my children and I am responsible for them and I won’t tolerate other influences when I am still alive. Guys though this statement looks very agitated, please don’t look at this with judgment, I am a mother, I am not saying I know everything, but from where, I come from, I am thinking kids need a stable environment when they are growing up and need a routine and discipline in life. (Which my husband and family have no concept of. My FIL was the only one with some discipline and now he is not there and I can see how things have changed in these 3 years. Everybody wants their way in the name of him. I can go on and on, but it’s not worth it. I am a rational being and want to make my own decisions, when I need help I will ask.)

So I am suggesting that I live separately with the kids, while he takes care of his responsibilities and he can always shuttle between the places, while I have the peace of mind. I am suggesting a different city, so that for all the people who will talk, he can give the reason, that I got a very good job offer, in this different city.

Am I missing something here….
1) Am I the villain who is separating the Mother and Son????
2) Do I have any say over how I want my life to be. I am thinking, I am a human being with wishes too… who is supposed to take care of me, when my dreams are exact opposite of someone else’s dreams. I have sacrificed my life too for a better life for my kids. I am not saying leave all other relationships for me. I am saying lets work out a way for everybody to be happy.
3) Am I being egoistic, by putting the facts down and saying, what will work and what won’t. And since I know the outcome I am insisting on some things before, than go thru them and say, “I said so” or even to the extent that everything breaks beyond repair.
4) Do I have an attitude problem, thinking that nobody tells me what to do. Which I have been accused of many times. I am just a person who is too sure of her environment. When I say, I know, I KNOW. That’s been my strength all my life. In the other part of my life, that’s what my close ones respect me for and adore me.
5) Am I arrogant to think that, push come to shove, I can take care of my kids all by myself. What will I do when I hit a stone wall???
Guys, don’t get me wrong, I love my husband to death, but I refuse to be his mother and pamper him, no matter what, and at the same time, I won’t accept being emotionally abused in the name of being together. I know the importance of grand parents, I know my responsibilities as a DIL, but I guess all I am saying is that I need my independence to impart the values that I have grown up with (which is just impossible, in the together environment). Really am I short sighted and not seeing some things here.
Kids should get best of both worlds. My world has discipline, responsibility, value for resources, financial security, respect for all beings irrespective of social status. His world has being practical, spontaneity, dreaming big.

As I am typing this whole thing up, for a few days now (imagine the turmoil inside me), some changes have come in my DH and he is looking at things from my perspective. But one thing he said caught my attention, to the extent that I am not able to come to terms with it. He said “They will loose their charm and it won’t be the same, once we go back and I have to do this, I can’t live peacefully anywhere. If I am with you, I will be thinking about them and feeling guilty all the time and if I am there, then people will say, what are you doing here, with your wife and kids there”. I want to understand this whole thing from his perspective. I know it’s difficult, but as adults can’t we take some tough decisions.

Just to give you an understanding of how different we are, he is very much a “what people will think” person and his decisions are driven by that fact and I don’t give any thought to it. For me as long as I am not harming any one, I am fine with people thinking and talking. And that’s why this thing is eating into me. AM I REALLY HARMING SOME ONE BY MY DECISION TO LIVE SEPERATELY??? Yes my MIL doesn’t have anybody except her SON. Yes my SIL can’t trust her husband. Yes as a DIL I have a responsibility along with my husband to keep them safe and secure. Because of the situation that is what it is, should I die every day to live together or should I live with being selfish/heartless tagged on to me. I don’t know if I am thinking in extreme terms here, but being the fiercely independent person that I am, it will be like dying every day if I have to live life on someone else’s terms. Life’s JOY is in enjoying every moment. If I wake up every morning, not knowing how I will deal with things today and if I don’t want to come home every evening fearing how should I deal with the rest of the day. Then what’s the point. Life is a compromise, but to what extent. If all the energy is spent in DEALING with everyday kit-kit, then what kind of a mom will I be. No matter how much I try to shield, some of it will rub on to them.

I don’t know if all I have written above is giving you a sense of the setting in this togetherness, but essentially 4 “Women” are contending for “One Man”s attention. And I can’t convince myself that everything will be honky dory in this togetherness. And I don’t want bitterness brewing against each other all the time. (Last time I was in this togetherness, I sensed that he felt guilty sitting next to me for a picture). That’s when all this stupid things started in my mind. I am ready to do all my duties, as long as I know I have him on my side. Which so far has been true. But now the scene is different, my FIL is no more. And I know it’s our responsibility to take care of MIL and SIL. My MIL and myself alone are just fine. We even lived together for a month, when my husband had to be away for some work. But put him in the equation, and its chaos to the power of infinity. This is not exaggeration, I have a son too, but all that goes on is, she becomes blind to the entire world in her mothering and he loves all the attention. Nobody else exists in this world, forget me, not even his own kids or my SILs for that matter. I am not jealous here, I am scared, what this will do to the family in the long run. A son has to grow up and become a MAN. In my view its just wrong if that doesn’t happen. Lets say I will even learn to deal with this, what about the SIL who is same age as me, in spite to getting her a good education(which she won’t make use of, saying that she is unhealthy, she has Type 2 diabetes) and financial security. And in all this where do I stand. It’s not like I am asking him to leave them in no mans land. They are financially taken care off and they both have each other for support and a young girl to be raised. It’s not like there is no male in the house. SILs husband lives with them also, just he is not dependable financially. Do I have to be physically present with them to carry on my responsibilities??? By asking him to balance this situation, am I harming some one???

If we all can’t live happily in one place, can’t we all live separately and be happy??? What is so evil about it???

After all is said and done, everybody will have to go thru a heart break now and then in life, but intentionally harming someone is out of question. I can convince myself somehow to live with a broken heart for the rest of my life, but I will not harm anyone intentionally.


aa replied. Hi, i def dont think you are a bad persone for feeling this way...so many of us DIL:S have to change soooo much just to have a life with this type of man..my husb is similar to yours, where he will defend his family even if they are CLEARLY wrong, or even f they lie. I cant tell you how many hours we have wasted on fighting about his family. My mil also expects my hisb to take care of sil(who is married,and has kids)...they expect me to treat sil like a baby and that i should be her mother...yet sil complains about me (like mil/.fil)every chance they get...My husb doent get how much work it is just to deal with this people on a daily basis..so lately i have just been ignoring them, i talk only whats necessary, thats it...living separately also is not an option for my husb, he also live his life with the feeling, what will others think if we dont take care of his family...but how much should i suffer for him to fulfill his duty???i feel like my life is not worth anything to him, i just have to go along with all of his and their demands. i really have no solutions for you, just pray that maybe your husb will see more of your view. neena replied. Dear Dora Boots

I believe there is no point in staying together if its going to create more problems then solve some. However I do not like the idea of you living in different city and hubby living in another city.
Is it wise to seperate husband and wife ?
Again if husband is so concerned with what people say if you people start living as nulcear family in india then ask him if he is not bothered what poeple say about his own sister that she along with her hubby and kid is camping in her parents house since years? shouldn' t sis in law and her hubby go away and build their own life? where is his so called society when this is happening?
I feel that your hubby needs to take care of his mother only. thats what he is responsible for. he is not responsible for his married sister , her hubby and their kid. if he cares so much for the society then thats what the social trend is. you can talk to him regarding this point.
you can also think along the following :
In india you , hubby and his mom stay in same house. sister in law and her hubby with kid need to move out and find a place for themselves. they are mature adults and should feel ashamed to live at other' s expenses. even if they are shameless they need to be explained that this arrangement is no longer going to work and they need to move out.
I totally agree, do not enter a hornets nest knowingly. but again why create distance between u n hubby by going to different city ? thats not a good idea. jj replied. ask him one thing - when his sister who was married to another family, came back along with her husband, without adjusting in the other family, and on top of it her hubby does not work,, didn' t his people speak bad about it... why couldn' t his sister adjust in her in-laws place.

even if u have to move in with them
from the first day itself, speak only for 5 min with them per day, even while u have to be in kitchen , speak as minimum as possible, the more u speak the more they try n take advantage of us. Even if they try to give u suggestion for the first time itself, on any topic, tell them directly no thanks ' I know how to do' . this tip will surely help u.

tell ur mother-in-law not to have separate rules for her daughter and you,, she will not accept it, but tell her over n over again if she tries to dominate u. Even i have similar situation, my hubby' s sister n her husband along with their 2 sons got permanently shifted 4 yrs back :( ... n i know how it is. her daughter will even scan my things like they do it at airport, so whenever i go for vacation to their place, i also use a lock. so that there is no checking :)