Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi- I am 29 yrs old and i stay in a joint family. I used to work in a software company but now dont. My hubby is really nice to me and supports me in all matters though he does get too angry sometimes.I have had 2 mis-carriages- one imm after marriage and the other a few mnths back. My MIL passed away abt 7 months back and am with my husband and FIL. I have a SIL who s of my age and also nice to me. She oftens visits our house and stays for about one week with her kid and hubby. Though I dont have the tendency to speak rude to elders and start up a fight, I hahve started feeling a lot of changes in our house. My FIL is very sensitive to almost all matters and any suggestion given by me or my hubby to change a few things or do something for the house is taken offensive by him. He directly or indirectly objects to any ideas/ changes we provide.He is given complete privacy with his own room, tv, a/c and others where he spends his time when he is not at work (part-time). We try to speak to him on a normal way but most times, it ends up in arguments over one thing or the other. We have had several quarrels over cooking, sleeping late when my MIL was alive. THough these dont matter now, as I am doing the cooking, maintenance and the household requirements buying etc. there seems to be some problem or the other every 3-4 days.

Though we try to tell him we are there to support him, he speaks as though he doesnt require any of us for his needs. He keeps worrying abt his daughter most of the times and this irritates me as we have also had several sufferings- my hubby has lost his mother, i have had 2 miscarriages and so-on.

I have now quit my job and at home to stay healthy and prepare for the treatment. So, its with my hubby' s sal that we are managing but somehow my FIL fails to understand that we are not earning a lot..infact he thinks we can afford anything on earth.

I know life will be difficult without a spouse but i guess people need to realise that its not the act of any individual and no one is to blame.

Pls provide your ideas on how I can improve the situation at home as I want my home to be a home and not just a house. anabelle replied. im a new member ,guess wot im also facing problems with my inlaws, i became mum, thz april and things just seem to be getting worst with my il. im married 2 an indian, but im not indian. infact our cultures r completely different, but eversince ive been with my husband , ive been trying 2 understand him and learn a bit of his culture. but now that we have a child , things have to change, coz im christian, u to be frank me and my husband decided that we were not going to do anything frm our culture, coz we just dont want our kids to be confused. we decided , because we have a mixed marriage , we would only do the main festival on his side and on my side as well.but the thing is tha my SIL she always come and say that she has to do things with her brother coz i dnt know wot festival. n at the end when i tell my husband that thz isnt wot we agreed for, he says that its hisculture etc.. i hope u guys understand me, being a mother now i cant put my culture before wots best for my child. n its obvious that if my husband does his things, me as well ill want to do my things. n it wud be pulling a string on both side and my child will be stuck in middle. i just dont know what to do, coz for my husband its always his sister' s opinon which is important. but i cant do that i have to put my child first. Chandra replied. i understand you' re upset about ur FIL. and I am not underminding you in this at all...but from another point of view...
your FIL has had a very big loss ( i know you and your hubby have too) but realize that he has lost his partner in life. losing a spouse is a HUGE loss. Imagine (knock on wood) if something were to happen to either you or ur husband, how would the other get along without their spouse? I don' t like saying things like that, but until you are in someone' s shoes, you' ll never know how they feel.
your FIL is lonely, he' s angry because he didnt want to lose his wife. He doesnt like things changing in the house, probably because his wife was the one that decorated it.
Give him time, but also realize, he just might be resentful each and every day. our parents, our inlaws, they are old now, trying to change them is a waste of time. accepting how they are, not letting them get to you, and most importantly, just respecting them as though nothing is wrong is the best thing we can do for them, and ourselves:) helppriya replied. I know u guys are disturbed with your IL problems. Believe me, I have gone thru all of them and still deal with them everyday since I stay with them, My MIL fills my DH ears against me and he obliges. I just feel like leaving all these blood sucking creatures behind and live in my own Apt. I think Inlaws need to be shown their own place. My MIL talks rudely to me and if I feel upset my DH thinks its all my fault. To hell with such people. Just get lost. Good to know we all are hear to help each other! Namita replied. dnt undrstnd y do IL' s spoil there sons and DIl' s happy life whereas on the other hand they are ready on their one foot to make there daughters married life more n more happier .. y this difference

i m sorry to hear abt ur mis carr. n some probs with FIL ... bt good to hear tht u maintain a good relationship with ur SIL ... I m of ur age so its difficult to undrstnd ur FIL' s behaviour, wht i can guess is ... may be his ego gets hurt when he feel tht he is dependent on u n ur husband, infact he should not feel so but this is wht i have heard .. FIL dnt prefer asking help from his son mostly financial they feel low ... abt the other house hold help or abt food may be till today he was used to his wifes cooking n had got every thing in hand from his wife, may be demanding n now he may be feeling odd to get such things done from u .. so in this confusion or feeling odd he is reacting in such a way

this is wht i can see ... at the same time the reasons wht i hve given for his behaviour, i myself dnt agree .. bt hve heard such things ... infact ur FIL should learn to adjust ....

now wht u can do is ignore n ignore ... talk less with him .... abt him worrying abt his daughter tht is obvious .. God know why bt IL' s never feel so much abt there son (as soon as he gets married) as they feel abt daughter .. this is my personal experience